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us your bass player jokes! We love em'! bassman@bobandtom.com
A
bass player and a drummer are driving out through the country
late one afternoon when their Microbus overheats and stalls. Trapped
in the middle of nowhere, the bass player and the drummer walk
through a large field up to the steps of a quaint farmhouse. The
farmer walks out on the porch, followed by his very attractive
daughter, and asks, "Can I help you boys?" The drummer
says, "Yeah, our car broke down. Can we use your phone to
call a tow truck or a repair person?"
The farmer replies, "Well, I don't have a phone and the nearest
repair guy is in town about a hundred miles away. I could take
you boys in the morning if you woulnd't mind waiting till then."
"I guess so," said the bass player, staring at the daugther,
"Do you have
somewhere we can stay?" "Well," the farmer replied,
"I only have two beds in the house: one is mine and one is
my daughter's. I guess you could sleep in with her if that's okay
with you."
"That would be fine," the bass player replied immediately.
That night, the drummer and the bass player were both in bed with
the
daughter. She rolls over to them and says "Hey, you guys
wanna have some fun?" They look at each other and say, "Yeah,
well, I guess." "Well, put these on so I don't get pregnant,"
She says. Three weeks later, the drummer and the bass player are
back home jamming in their garage. The bass player turns to the
drummer and says, "Hey, do you really care if that girl gets
pregnant?"
The drummer replies, "No, I guess not." The bass player
says, "Neither do I. Good, then I'm gonna take this damn
thing off!"
This band
is playing a small bar, and the bass player is really drowning
his sorrows. Between sets he goes into the bathroom. Suddenly
a 'blood-curdling scream rings through the bar. About 5 minutes
latter a shrill scream pierces the air of the bar again. The bartender
decides that he had better go see if this guy is okay. Pounding
on the door he asks, "Is everything ok in there?"
"No!" says the bass player. "I'm sittin' on the
john, and I tried to flush when something grabs me by the nuts!
I tried again but the same thing happened! Get help!"
The bartender says, "Let me see if I can help." He opens
the door and says, "You idiot! That's the mop-bucket!!"
What do
you say to a Bass player in a three piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.
-
Matt from Jefferson City, MO
Johnny
starting playing bass as a child, and his encouraging mother always
kept his spirits high and made him proud to be a bassist. One
day he came home and said, "Mommy, Mommy! Today in school
we did numbers, and most kids only got to ten, but I went to twenty!"
"That's Great Johnny!" his mother replied, "That's
because you're a bass player!"
Excited, Johnny ran upstairs and practiced the bass.
The next day, Johnny came home saying,"Mommy! Mommy! Today
we did the alphabet, and everyone else stopped at P, but I made
it all the way to Z!"
"That's Great Johnny!" his mother replied, "That's
because you're a bass player!"
Excited, Johnny ran upstairs and practiced the bass.
The next day, Johnny came home excited once again. "Mommy!
Mommy! Today They measured us and I'm the tallest in my class!
Is that because I'm a bass player?"
"No Johnny," his Mother said, "That's because you're
28."
I love Bass Talk! Keep up the
low tones!
-Kev Summitt Knoxville, Tennessee
Q. What's the difference
between a bass player and a pizza?
A. A pizza can feed a family of four.
Q. What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.
Q. How do you get a bass player to turn down?
A. Put some sheet music in front of him.
-
Th:-)nx, Paul And yes, I am bass player.
A
bass player who suspects his girlfriend of cheating on him goes
out and buys a gun. He goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens
the door, and, sure enough, finds her naked in the arms of a redhead.
Well, now He’s angry. He opens his coat and takes out the
gun. But as he does so, he is overcome with grief and points the
gun at his own head.
The girlfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."
"Shut up," the bass player says. "You’re next."
This Bass Player goes into a supermarket and
buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla
chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks
at him and says, "Single, huh?"
Sarcastically the guy sneers, "How’d you guess?"
She replies, "Because you’re so damn ugly."
Q - Why did the Bass
Player cross the road?
A - Because he heard the chicken was a slut.
A bass player bought a dog that was half
pit-bull and half collie. One day the dog bit off his leg, and
then ran for help.
A Bass player and and guitarist are riding
horses out in the country, when all of a sudden the Bass player
jumps off his horse, runs around behind it, and gives it a kiss
right on the tail. The guitarist, totally baffled asked the Bass
player what the hell he was doing?
"I've got chapped lips," replies the Bass player.
"And That helps?"
"No," says the Bass player, "but it keeps me from
licking them"
Q. What do you do if there's a bass player
staggering around in your yard?
A. Shoot him again.
A guy goes into a doctor's office complaining
of pain. The doctor asks, "where does it hurt?" The
guy touches his arm and says ouch. Then he touches his knee and
says owwwwwch. Then he touches his stomach and says owwww. "It
hurts everywhere" he tells the doctor. The doctor says...
"you're a bass player aren't you?" The guy replies,
"how did you know that?" The doctor tells him, "you
don't hurt everywhere... you're finger is broken."
A bass players wife was in the kitchen cooking
while her young son played with his toy trains out in the yard.
While listening to him play, she heard him say "All right,
this is our first stop, all you a**holes off the train, and all
your other a**holes get on board, we're leaving in 5 minutes."
Appalled by this, the wife goes out to her son and tells him that
he can't use language like that, and he needs to go to his room
and think about what he's done. The little boy then goes to his
room, and lies on his bed. Two hours later, the mom comes in and
asks the boy if he's learned his lesson. The boy says that he
has, and is allowed to go back out and play with his trains again.
The mom goes over to the window to listen to the boy as he starts
playing again and hear's him say "All right ladies and gentlemen,
if this is your stop, please gather your belongings, the train
will be comming to a stop soon. And for those of you getting on
board, we hope you are having a pleasent day, and have a great
trip on our railroad. And for those of you wondering about the
two hour delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen.
A
bass player and a drummer are driving down the road when the car
breaks down. The only place around is this little farm house,
so they walk over and knock on the door. This old farmer answers
the door and gives them a weary look.
"Our car broke down, can we use your phone."
"Don't have a phone," the farmer answered. "But
you can stay in the barn tonight." The two musicians thank
the farmer, but notice at the top of the stairs is the very attractive
daughter of the old man. The farmer notices them noticing his
daughter and gets a little angry. "I mean it, stay in the
barn... if I catch either one of you in the house, I will shoot
you.
The bass player and drummer go out to the barn, but can't sleep..
The drummer turns over and says "I can't take this... I have
to go in the house and see that girl." He then gets up, goes
inside and tries to find the daughter. All of a sudden though
he hears the farmers voice and stops.
"Who is that, who's down there?" yells the farmer.
"Meow," replies the drummer. The farmer responds by
throwing a shoe down the stairs and yelling at the cat to get
out. The Drummer runs back to the barn and tells the Bass Player
what happened.
"I can't take this," says the Bass player. It;s my turn
to go to the house. The Bass Player then attempts to go see the
girl, but is also heard by the Farmer.
"Who's down there, who is it?
The Bass player stops and replies... "It's the cat."
These two bass players walk into a brothel,
and the madam doesn't feel like wasting time on these two guys,
so she sends them to their room with blow up dolls. Well, the
two guys do their business and then get in the car and head home.
One the way back, one bass player turns to the other and says,
"You know, I think my girl was dead. She didn't moan, groan,
or even move. I don't even think she was breathing."
"Really?" said the other bass player. "You know,
now that I think about it, I think my lady was a witch?"
"A witch?"" asked the first bass player. "Why
do you think that?"
"Well, when I started nibbling on her nipple, she flew out
the window."
This bass player is sitting at home while his wife is at work.
His wife calls him at home, and seems very excited. "You
won't believe this," she says, "but I just won the lottery.
$5 million. I'm on my way home, pack your bags."
"That's incredible. I can't believe it," said the bass
player. "What should I pack?"
His wife answered, "It doesn't matter, just as long as you
are out of the house in five minutes."
Q. What do you call a bass player with a
beeper?
A. An optimist.
Q. What do you call a bass player on the
front porch?
A. The pizza delivery guy
A bass player goes to the optometrist, and
the doctor says "You really need to stop masturbating."
The man, a little worried, asks the doctor, "why... am I
going blind?" "No," says the doctor. "But
you're disturbing everyone else in the waiting room."
