When Tom Griswold speaks, sometimes the words don't come to him as quickly as he'd like. But as a professional broadcaster, he knows he still has to paint a picture using any part of the English language he can muster up. Occasionally this process works like a charm and nobody notices... but then again, sometimes it doesn't. Listed below are some of Tommy G's more memorable phrases, along with their English translations.
| When Tom Says | He Means... |
| A | |
| Adult Dancing Bar | Strip Club |
| Aggressively Naked | Indecent Exposure |
| Air Donut | Innertube |
| Alligator Guy | Crocodile Hunter |
| Amateur Singing Show | "American Idol" |
| Arrow Deal | Computer Cursor |
| Ass Surgeon | Proctologist |
| B | |
| Bath Gel and Squirter Thing | Liquid Soap |
| Bathrobe with a Special Belt | Karate Gi |
| Batman Thing Projected on the Sky | Bat Signal |
| Beautiful Marionettes | Puppets |
| Big Pile of Hay | Hay Stack |
| The Big Pipe | High Speed Internet Connection |
| Big Donut Thing You Pull With a Boat | Tube |
| Billboard | Movie Poster |
| Blow-up Fun Hut | Bounce House |
| Blue Thing on My Bed | Comforter |
| Body Holder | Casket |
| Book With a Lot of Stuff You Want to Buy | Catalog |
| Box With a Turntable in It | Record Player |
| Bracelet on Your Neck | Necklace |
| Breath machine | Breathalyzer |
| Built in TV Thing | DVD Player in a Car |
| C | |
| Camera You Can E-Mail | Digital Camera |
| Car Store | Car Dealership |
| Casserole Thing | Pot Pie |
| Chihuahua Cut | Brazilian Wax |
| D | |
| Dance Hall | Night Club |
| Dance Where Hands Tell a Story | Hula Dance |
| Davenport | Sofa |
| DNA Show | "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" |
| Doctor Suit | Lab Coat |
| Dodgem Cars | Bumper Cars |
| Dope Man | Drug Dealer |
| Driver of a Plane | Pilot |
| Dr. Evil Movies | Austin Powers |
| E | |
| E-mail Thing | Computer |
| Earpods | Earbuds |
| Ear Thing | Bluetooth |
| Electronic Switcher Things | Remote Control |
| F | |
| Fake Beer | Non-Alcoholic Beer |
| Fart Bag | Whoopee Cushion |
| Floating Raft Where You Gamble | Riverboat Gambling |
| Filler-up Gizmo | Gas Tank |
| Flame Boy | The Human Torch |
| Flip-Flop Gizmo | Blinds |
| Flip-Socks | Water Socks |
| Flying Bucket | Cherry Picker |
| Flying on the Thing With the Hook | Aircraft Carrier |
| Foam Thing | Cooler |
| Football Slacks | Football Pants |
| Fourth Base | Home Plate |
| Frisbee Kids | Boomerang Kids |
| Fun Hut | Bounce House |
| G | |
| Guitar Mechanic | Guitar Teck |
| H | |
| Hair Bag | Hair Net |
| Hair Sauce | Hair Gel |
| Hair Sprinkles | Highlights |
| Hair Therapist | Hair Stylist |
| Haunted Thing | Haunted House |
| Head Thing | Letter Head |
| High Boots | Go-Go Boots |
| High-Test Feul | Premium Feul |
| Hooma Hooma | Abracadabra |
| Hose With the Flippers On It | Fountain Drink |
| Hulk Hogan | The Incredible Huylk |
| I | |
| Internet Thing | Web Browser |
| iPod Scramble | iPod Shuffle |
| J | |
| Jousting Stick | Lance |
| L | |
| Lawnmower Thing | Segway Scooter |
| Lion Tamer Guys | Siegfried & Roy |
| Long Handled Beer | Long Neck Bottles |
| Long Things with Legs | Pantyhose |
| Looftwoofa | Loofah |
| Lump at the Bottom of a Blimp | Gondola |
| M | |
| Meat, It's What's For Dinner | Beef, It's What's for Dinner |
| Meatball | Meat Loaf (the singer) |
| Measuring Stick | Yard Stick |
| Medical People | Doctors |
| Monkery | Monastery |
| Movie Where People Turn Into Monsters | "Men in Black II" |
| Mrs. Queen | Your Highness |
| N | |
| Ninja Frisbee | Throwing Stars |
| Normal Daytime Stuff | Business Hours |
| Nun Suit | Habbit |
| P | |
| Pants That Tie at the Top | Draw String Pants |
| Parachute Thing with a Boat | Parasail |
| Pasta Cheese Food | Spaghetti |
| Pass Around | Handout |
| Pennies | Jerseys |
| Perch That Sports Guys Braodcast From | Broadcast Booth |
| Photo Taken When You're Arrested | Mug Shot |
| Physical Doctor Type Person | Proctologist |
| Pilot of the Ship | Captain |
| Place Where They Stack Cars | Parking Garage |
| Pool Pants | Swimming Suit |
| Pouch of Goo | Placenta |
| Prickers | Thorns |
| Professional Hair Cut Person | Barber |
| Pulling Stunts | Adultery |
| Push Basket | Shopping Cart |
| R | |
| Really Long Carpet Remnants | Rug |
| Rehearsing For a Game | Football Practice |
| Roving Lawnmower Thing | Segway |
| Rubber Micheline Man Looking Thing | Kong Dog Toy |
| Running Machine | Treadmill |
| S | |
| Say it Ain't True Roy | Say it Ain't So, Joe |
| Sandpaper Stick | Emery Board |
| Shaving Sauce | Shaving Cream |
| Show Where People Have Their Own Music | "Peter & the Wolf" |
| Sit-Down Tricycle | Big Wheel |
| Snore Bands | Breathe-Rite Strips |
| Sonar | Ultrasound |
| Space Fabric | Polyester |
| Space Sword | Light Saber (From "Star Wars") |
| Specialized Eye Stuff | Eye Glasses |
| Spinner Thing | Centrifuge |
| Statue With Pants On | Mannequin |
| Stick and Telescope Guys | Surveyors |
| Stick-inner Thing | Cell Phone Charger Plug |
| Sticks on the Front of a House | Pillars |
| Stick Thing | The Club (auto-theft device) |
| Stint You do Overseas | Tour of Duty |
| Stuff That Goes in Your Printer | Ink |
| Sunburn Thing | Tanning Bed |
| Super Bowl VIP | Super Bowl MVP |
| Swimmy Water things | Water Wings |
| Swivel Bucket | Skip Loader |
| T | |
| Tacos As Big As Your Face | Burritos As Big As Your Head |
| Talking Machine in the Car | GPS Navigator |
| The French Bike Thing | Tour de France |
| Thing That Tells You Who's Calling | Caller ID |
| Thingy With the Pads | Defibrillator |
| Thing You Rub | Jeanie's Lamp |
| Tractor Beam | Satellite Signal |
| Train Driver | Engineer |
| Trousers | Football Pants |
| Truck Bed Pan | Truck Bed Liner |
| Truck with a Little Bucker on It | Cherry Picker |
| Turferfen | Turducken |
| U | |
| Underground Cops | Undercover Cops |
| Underpants | Underwear |
| W | |
| Water Clown | Clown Diver |
| Water Fluffer | Jacuzzi |
| Weird Beard Religion | Greek Orthodox |
