"I like it because it's not funny."
- Marty the Boss at a recent lunch meeting discussing bit ideas

"When I'm raising my kids, I sometimes feel like I'm being initiated into a fraternity."
- Dave Dugan

"Have you ever watched a movie, then gotten into a fight with your wife about it afterward, then almost got a divorce? Me neither."
- Chick McGee

"There's nothing wrong with having sex while you're drunk."
- Bob Kevoian

"Sex, drugs and Rock n' Roll, that's what bugs are all about."
- Ruud the Bugman

"Is it a jackpot on the Barry Manilow slot machine when his face and two other fruits pop up."
- Bob Kevoian

"There are priest who have slept with more woman than you."
- Tom Griswold to Chick, who has only slept with people he's married

"I don't care if that stuff is made of kids from third world countries, it's good."
- Tom Griswold on the popcorn butter flavor at the movies

"This isn't a new show, it's just the same old crap."
- Bob Kevoian after Tom promised to start fresh after a break

"I'm a clown sloth, you know that."
- Chick McGee

"What has that done to you and how much is this going to cost me?"
- Tom Griswold to Chick after he was complaining abut never going to camp

"Squirrels are evil because they have thumbs."
- Chick McGee

"If you're in a coma do you wear shoes?"
- Tom Griswold on coma fashion

"You show me a group of white people I can't make laugh, and I'll show you Canadians."
- Tim Wilson

"What's the difference between a Kayak and a Canadian. A Kayak will tip."
- Chick McGee

"How come free chicken samples taste better when it's got a toothpick in it? I swear to god it does."
- "Donny Baker" on mall Food Courts

"If OJ committed that murder, it must have been his first."
- Tim Wilson

"If NIKE came out with a shoe for Chick, would it be the Air Potato?"
- Bob Kevoian

"You cannot catch mad cow from a donut."
- Greg Hahn

"It doesn't matter what I'm talking to Tom about, I always end up feeling like dirt."
- Chick McGee

"Ladies, we love you and want to care about things like eyelash curlers., but we don't."
- Mike Green

"I was afraid to tell another joke because I thought it might lead into another one of Tom's stories."
- Bob Zany

"I think I should change seats before the lord tries to strike Chick down."
- Rodney Johnson after Chick make a blasphemous comment

"Why do every one one of my jokes end with me running away?"
- Dan Kaufman

"I'm the dustbuster of comedy. I can suck the laughs out of any joke."
- Jimmy Pardo

"I wanna label everyone."
- Chick McGee on the acceptance of everyone and everything.

"Thank god for you Kristi, actually believing that theater of the mind."
- Jimmy Pardo on people actually wanting to buy his ill-fated show Funny Money on DVD

"I think tuxedos have been tainted by ushers at movie theaters."
- Tom Griswold

"The only thing keeping me alive is knowing that I wasn't breast fed."
- Chick McGee

"Pizza is way more popular than I will ever be."
- Mike Birbiglia

"The glory days of carrying a sword have passed."
- Kristi Lee on thee replacement of the sword as a primary weapon