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"If I'm missing out on the finer things of life, that means I'm
just waiting to die. So while I'm waiting, I'm having a big
glass of scotch."
- Ron White
"I'm the Nostradamus of nicotine."
- Bob Kevoian on predicting that eventually you wouldn't be able
to smoke in public
"Never say Robin Williams and writing in the same sentence.
Robin does cover versions of other peoples jokes."
- Bill Scheft
"At the heart break hotel, you check in at the counter,
but you check out at the toilet."
- Floyd Tucker
"Comedian Joel Lindley has serial killer strength."
- Chick McGee
"Well I hope you're happy, you've ruined Christmas."
- Mark Gross reliving what a lady told him at his worst gig ever.
"Have a seat, John, because coffee's for closers."
- Chick McGee to a caller that 'sealed the deal' after mentioning
the BOB&TOM Show on a first date
"It doesn't matter what I do in my career, one of the things
I care about most is being quoted on bobandtom.com"
- Frank Caliendo
"Don't cry. You look fat when you cry."
- Pete Lee on how he gets his girlfriend to stop being upset
with him.
"I grew up pretty nonreligious, thank god."
- John Evans
"I've been trying to read more, but I've found out that
I'm illiterate."
- Tim Northern
"I had my ex-wife air-brushed on my windshield so that
it looks like I'm running her monkey-ass over."
- Geoff Brown
"I haven't been working out a lot lately, but I've been
making up for it by eating a lot of cake."
- Greg Hahn
"I guess the NHL season is going to start when hell freezes
over."
- Bob Kevoian
"If you suffer from depression, the last thing you want
to do is take up the game of golf."
- Bob Kevoian
"There are so many CSI's on TV that I think I could do
an autopsy at this point."
- Nick Griffin
"A happy stripper is a productive stripper."
- Bob Kevoian on the self-esteem of exotic dancers
"My house is like a frat house with money."
- Tom Griswold
"Everyone has bigger breasts than Sandra Bernhardt."
- Bob Kevoian
"How come every time you want to say something cool it's
a French word? Can't we come up with our own?
- Gallagher
"If you do magic in the 'hood and the brothers can't figure it
out, they want to fight."
- Anthony Griffith on his former career as a magician
"Are you going to buy something, or are you just going
to stand there?"
- Ernie Furglar
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