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March 24 - 28, 2008

Pale and Sexy
Whether talking about cake, hammocks, wearing robes, getting sick while eating hot pockets or his desire to to end all conversation by saying "and cut," Jim Gaffigan is one of the funniest men in America. That's probably why he is popping up all over the place of late. Not only is he one of our favorite guests, he's also a regular on Late Night with Conan O'Brien (who also doubles as his animated crime fighting partner in The Pale Force), appears in countless Sierra Mist commercials, is performing around the country on his Comedy Central: The Sexy Tour comedy tour, stars in the TBS sitcom, My Boys and has recently released two CD/DVD combos Beyond the Pale and Doing My Time. Yeah, he's a busy guy.

Mr. Gaffigan
Interviews Himself
Subject: The Sexy Tour
I wanted the name of my upcoming new Comedy Central Live Tour to reflect what I'm all about. Naturally, I decided on "The Sexy Tour". I realize this tour name might cause some questions. So in an effort to avoid looking like a lunatic, I decided to interview myself. I met myself in at a luxury hotel lobby bar in downtown Manhattan.

Me: Hi Jim. Thanks for doing this interview.
Jim: Happy to do it, Jim. By the way, I'm a big fan or your acting and stand up.
Me: Thanks. How will this new tour be different from "Beyond the Pale"?
Jim: Well, this tour will be all new material and it is called "The Sexy Tour".
Me: Is the new material Sexy?
Jim: No, no. no. I still deal with hard hitting issues like bacon, legal documents and bean bag chairs, but it is still a clean, all ages show. The only thing sexy about the show is me. I can't help that part.
Me: No you can't. You are a balding, married guy with two kids, not normally what society considers sexy. Many will think you are being ironic with the tour name, The Sexy Tour. 
Jim: Huh? That's odd.
Me: I mean, what about your body, Jim?
Jim: Thank you. Yes, I do have a sexy body. Staying in shape is hard. Luckily I don't have to worry about that. I already have a gut. Women like guts. It's means I'm brave. I can protect women.
Me: Good point. What is sexy?
Jim: Good question, Jim. It's like you are reading my mind. What is sexy? Is it appearing half naked in a photo spread in Maxim? Well if it's picture of me. Yes, that is sexy.
Me: I agree. You are sexy Jim Gaffigan. How can I find out which cities you will be going to on The Sexy Tour and be notified of a special presale in late March?
Jim: Another good question. You can check out where I'll be going here. To be notified of the special pre-sale click here. There will also be a special Facebook Pre-sale for people on Facebook.

 

Only on Cable
Described as one of the most twisted individuals you’ll ever see perform, Doug Stanhope has no problem telling people that his show might not be for everyone, especially those that are offended easily or have weak stomachs. He’s confrontational, vulgar, graphic, uninhibited and brutally honest, and that's just how he describes himself. All that aside, Doug is still considered to be one of the greatest comedians touring today. Along with his stand-up duties, he’s also hosted The Man Show on Comedy Central as well as a couple of the Girls Gone Wild videos. He's also starred in his very own Showtime Special, No Refunds, which is what he normally has to tell people before all of his shows.

 

Sanitized For Your Protection
Due to his notorious reputation and all the stories that circulate about him, we're always a bit nervous to hear that comedian John Fox will be our guest in the studio. Fox is a legend among his peers in the comedy community for being one of the dirtiest (yet one of the greatest) joke tellers ever. But don't think it's all just an act, Fox is even more notorious for his offstage antics, including his fondness for hookers, porn, booze and leaving every "comedy condo" he stays in a mess. One of the things John isn't notorious for is his singing, however, he is featured as the lead vocal on the song Pissed Again which appears on the BOB&OM album, Happy Hour.

 

Lasting Impressions
For the most part, audiences only knew Kevin Pollak as one of Hollywood’s finest character actors, forgetting that he is also one the best standup comedians in the country. But that would all change in December of 2003 when Kevin visited the BOB&TOM show while out on tour. It was there he crafted one of the most highly requested pieces in B&T history. Performing as Christopher Walken, Pollak uttered the sentence, “Frankenstein never scared me; marsupials do, because they’re fast,” and instantly the meaning of all of the words in the sentenced took on a life of their own. This isn't meant to downplay his fine film work in movies like A Few Good Men, The Usual Suspects
and The Whole Nine Yards, but we’re talking about a catchphrase that will stand the test of time! In other news, you can now see Kevin regularly as a cast member of the CBS drama Shark.

 

Go For the Juggler
Not many people have the balls (no pun intended) to drop out of college after your junior year to pursue a life of juggling, but Chris Bliss did just that. But he wasn't interested in joining the circus; instead he developed an amazing act of are al choreography in which he juggled to music and lights. This rockin' show made him the perfect opening act for some of the biggest names in music including Willie Nelson, Eric Clapton and Michael Jackson. Though he was known as one of the world's most popular jugglers, Bliss got tired of doing the same 15 minute routine night after night. That's when he decided go back to his roots as a writer, and add a little standup to the act. The move paid off as Bliss is now a
Tonight Show regular, has his own one man show, and is considered to be the perfect intellectual comedian for the information age.
EXTRA - Watch Chris Bliss' amazing juggling finale

 

He's Done It All
Comedian Mike Armstrong was such a awful cop that when he left the police force three internal affairs officers and two PR representatives lost their jobs because there was no longer a need for their services. Whether he was pulling over motorists to warn them of speed traps down the road, monitoring birds with his radar gun or making illegal U-Turns to avoid arriving on the scene of an accident, Armstrong personally helped strain police relations with the public without even trying. Though his job as an officer was to protect and serve, we feel a whole lot safer now that he's taken off the badge. Mike has released his first comedy album, Comedy Police, which is available at the BOB&TOM webstore. You'll buy it if you know what's good for you.

 

Costaki Economop-oh forget it.
Of all the guests we regularly have on the show, comedian Costaki Economopoulos possesses the longest and most difficult name to spell, by far. And while we can't stand having to type it out each week, we do look forward to his calls. In his Economonologues (another word we dread) he gets the chance to cover any and everything that has popped into his head in the past seven days. These topics have included strange superstitions, odd phobias and the origin of common clichés. Costaki's able to take the things he sees and hears in everyday life and turn turn them into comedic observations you won't be able to believe you haven't thought of before, and will never be able to forget.

 

Here He Is...
Whether he's in the studio, on the phone, or on his special ISDN line live from his home, comedian Tim Bedore joins BOB&TOM every Wednesday to bring us a new edition of his popular weekly feature, Vague But True. In these musings, Tim talks about whatever is on his mind at the time, whether that be politics, life lessons, or stories on how animals are trying to wipe out the human race. But no matter the topic, folks all over the country are glued to their radios waiting to hear what Bedore has to say, and what sound effects he'll play. And if you happen to be one of those people, here's some good news, Tim's most popular pieces from the last few years have been compiled into a spectacular two-CD set, Vague But True, which is available now!

 

Feel the Byrne
There have been a handful of great Irish comedians, there have been a number of very successful Asian comedians, but Steve Byrne is attempting to do something that as far as we know has never been done before, become the first great Irish-Asian comic. Heck, he might just be the first one, period. Steve has been making this dream come true by appearing on almost every major standup comedy outlet on television, including his top-rated special on Comedy Central. He also recently won the MySpace Standup or Sitdown Comedy Challenge that aired last year on TBS. On March 29th, Steve returns to Comedy Central with his first one hour special, Steve Byrne's Happy Hour.

 

The Zany Report
It’s time again for everyone’s favorite weekly feature, The Zany Report starring comedy legend Bob Zany. In case you’re new to the show or are unfamiliar with the concept of The Zany Report, we’ll explain how it works. Every Tuesday, Bob Zany calls in to deliver a handful of jokes based on current events and comical news stories. Though his intention is to present a report that is hilarious from top to bottom, it doesn’t always work out this way. Of course as good hosts, BOB&TOM are always kind enough to point out which of his jokes came up a little short in the laughs department. This is where you the listener can join in the fun because Zany then invites one lucky fan to call in and play a little game he calls Fix-The-Joke Baby!

 
Monday on BOB&TOM

Comedy For All Ages
If an event of any importance has happened in the past, chances are comedian Scott Dunn can write a joke about it.  Well, not just a joke, an entire routine to be exact.  How can we make such a bold statement?  We have the proof.  Scott has spent the past year calling in to the show every Monday to give us a little history lesson, with a twist. These lessons aren’t boring and stuffy like when your grandpa rambles on about his youth.  No, these tales from times past are chock-full of jokes, laughs and even a few actual historical tidbits you might be able to use in a trivia game down the road.

 
 



"Humans have sex face to face to cause guilt"
- Chick McGee on how Humans are the only animal to use more positions than doggy style .

"Evidently underwear does serve a purpose."
- Tom Griswold on how he started wearing underwear after seeing an embarrassing picture of himself.

"I think I'm just going to go home and listen to this show. I hear it's pretty good."
- Bob Kevoian

"I'm not even lucky enough to fantasize about winning the lottery. I have to fantasize about someone else winning, and then killing them."
- Andy Hendrickson

"Why can't I have a pool?"
- Todd Snider wondering why now beer companies have paid him to use "Beer Run"

"I thought my marriage was going to be over before we got our wedding pictures back."
- John Heffron

"These guys are actually pretty good people, despite my apathy."
- Chick McGee trying to sound interested while reading a live commercial

"I don't color my hair for the same reason I don't dance, I don't want to feel queer."
- Nick Griffin

"I was on the Quotes Page once... back in 1995 I think."
- Frank Caliendo

"Frank wants to be on the Quotes Page. Yeah, that's what he needs, more exposure."
- Nick Griffin

"So far the BOM&TOM sports desk is 0-2 in solo shows."
- Gunner on his and Chick's solo morning show careers

"I'm not racist, I just find diversity dangerous."
- Daniel Tosh

"Have you guys ever got to the point in your life where you know you've met enough people."
- Greg Warren

"These primaries are like an expensive high school election."
- Bob Kevoian

"One guy doing something weird is a nut, a group of people doing something weird is a church."
- Bengt Washburn on growing up Mormon

"If we were going to be eating Jesus' body, I wanted dark meat."
- Steve Poltz on his confusion during his First Communion

"Get off the treadmill and go to the bar."
- Kristi Lee on how she doesn't like that her gym is becoming a pick-up joint

"Those strip mall karate places only teach you enough to get your ass whupped"
- Paul Thorn

"I scissor-kicked a circus bear to help raise over $200 to raise awareness for animal cruelty."
- Donnie Baker on bear wrestling

"I'm not available... when is it?
- Tom Griswold when asked to attend the Ferret Festival with Chick

"Everything I touch turns to sold."
- Kenny Tarmac

"You can talk about me in the tabloids all you want, but those come out every week and are forgotten. Songs like this, they stick around a lot longer."
- Kid Rock on his new song "So Hott" and how song writers get revenge

"The only professions where people prefer someone with little experience are politics and prostitution."
- Scott Dunn

"As a liberal, it pains me to say this, but when is America finally going to wake up and realize that tigers hate gay people."
- Auggie Smith on the recent tiger attacks and Siegfried and Roy.

"In Asia, the name Ty(rone) means 'creativity.' In America it means 'not hiring.'"
- Ty Barnett

"Why would I lie to you, we're not married?"
- Ross Bennett to Bob Kevoian

"My biggest fear about voting is getting trapped in the booth."
- Jamie Lissow

"This is like a think-tank of nothing."
- Tammy Pescatelli on The BOB&TOM Show

"Are we on the air or are these practice shows we're doing?"
- Chick McGee

"I've come across a fecal monument or two."
- Tom Griswold on the stains on shopping carts

"Kristi Lee Love You Long Time."
- Possible slogan for Kristi Lee in 2008

"Never play flag football in the nude."
- Bob Kevoian

"Whore's gotta eat too."
- Kristi Lee after hearing the story of the prostitute at Thanksgiving dinner

"I'm the boy in the bubble without the bubble."
- Jimmy Pardo on his multiple allergies

"Instruction manuals are nothing more than another man's opinion."
- Chick McGee

"Kids to me are like ghosts. I'm not afraid of them, but I don't want to move into a building that has them."
- Auggie Smith

"My ex-wife told me she wanted a divorce because she'd lost the tingle. I don't know what a tingle is, but it's equivalent to one house."
- Emo Philips

"If you start with it in there, it's okay."
- Bob Kevoian explaining how a thong is different than a wedgies

"I have a gorgeous taint."
- Chick McGee

"Her favorite recording artist is Tomas Edison."
- Bob Kevoian to Granny during the Shoe-In of the Week.

"I'm not going to get an operation on my johnson just because some e-mail keeps suggesting it. But my wife just keeps sending it."
- Nathan Trenholm

"Every project my dad worked on started with 'I can do it' and ended with 'nobody's gonna see that'."
- Andres Fernandez

"How low have you sank when you are going to Greg Hahn for relationship advice."
- Orny Adams to Kristi Lee

"Didn't we leave Tuna Town and move to cookoo-ville?"
- Tom Griswold on Anne Heche

"Now on sale we've got the OJ Simpson 'Find the Real Killer' Mirror. Is it magic or just common sense."
- Billy Mayzing with a new crop of amazing products

"When I'm 80 years old, just sign me up for a nice bowl movement."
-Tom Griswold on Hef and getting older

"My dog will talk your ear off if you let him."
- Dan Grueter on giving his dog a redneck voice

"They show too many commercials at the movies. That's the biggest crime in the world."
- Bob Kevoian

"The only difference between southern sodomy and prison rape is their taste in music."
- Tom Griswold

"I bet gay guys have sex all the time because there aren't any women to tell them no."
- Larry Reeb

"My to-do list consists of women's names and drugs."
- Shane Mauss

"Joe Theismann won't be here for another four hours so you may want to hold off on taking that Viagra."
- Tom Griswold to Chick McGee

"Ladies, if you don't want to date a drunk, don't go shopping at the drunk store."
- Shane Mauss on women picking up men in bars

"If I stopped drinking scotch, Johnny Walker would have to get rid of one of their trucks."
- Ron White

"Are you at all self sufficient?"
- Tom Griswold to Ron White

"I played basketball in highschool and they used to call me the mailman. Not because I was good, but because I used to shoot up the locker room after a bad loss."
- Rob Haney

"I like the WNBA. There is nothing like a two-hour layup drill."
- John Evans