Not That Mark Sweeney
For those of you who were planning on hearing us interview the L.A. Dodgers' first baseman on Friday, we're sorry to disappoint you but it's not that Mark Sweeney. No, our good friend Mark Sweeney is actually a professional comedian, and a very good one at that. And while he isn't a ballplayer, he has held a number of other jobs including bus boy, construction worker, real estate agent, bartender and copier repairman. In the arena of performing, he's also been an actor, appearing on TV shows like Boston Public, Third Rock From the Sun, and Days of Our Lives. But looking through his resume, the occupation that stands out most is the four years he spent in the US Marines, or as he puts it, a full time job partying around the globe.

FACTOID - Last year Mark Sweeney spent a good deal of time in Afghanistan entertaining the troops. You can read about his adventures on his website.

He's No Epidemiologist
Former civil engineer Jeff Caldwell is known to people far and wide as a clean, clever comedian with one of the brightest stand-up acts around. From the daily news to the daily grind, Caldwell covers a variety of subjects with his dry delivery and sharp wit. It doesn’t matter whether he’s on stage, at a corporate gig or on television, Caldwell has the ability to bring audiences to tears, and we mean that in the good way. Recently Jeff was featured on The Late Show with David Letterman and did so well they almost immediately had him back on. He's also recently released a comedy CD, I'm No Epidemiologist, which is available now at The BOB&TOM online store!

JORDAN WARD illustration

The Economologue with Costaki Economopoulos
Of all the guests we regularly have on the show, comedian Costaki Economopoulos possesses the longest and most difficult name to spell, by far. And while we can't stand having to type it out each week, we do look forward to his calls. In his Economonologues (another word we dread) he gets the chance to cover any and everything that has popped into his head in the past seven days. These topics have included strange superstitions, odd phobias and the origin of common clichés. Costaki's able to take the things he sees and hears in everyday life and turn turn them into comedic observations you won't be able to believe you haven't thought of before, and will never be able to forget.

You'll Hear Words to Remember
It's been a long seven days since we last visited with comedian Tim Bedore, which is why we're so eager to have him back on his special line, ready to deliver another exciting edition of Vague But True. Live from his home in Minnesota where he's seated comfortably at mission control, Tim shares his thoughts on life, society, politics and his day to day activities, presented in the form of in-depth, entertaining editorials. Over the past few years, these musings have helped us learn a lot about Bedore, including his ability to answer "Dear Abby" letters, his dream of playing baseball for the Cubs and his theory on how animals are trying to wipe out our species.

Day Two of Drew
Though Drew Hastings visits our studio more often than our cleaning crew, we never run out of things to talk about when he stops by. This may have something to do with his verbose manor of speaking, comedic timing or his years worth of standup material, but more than likely it's his life as a metrosexual, "gentleman" farmer that keeps us asking for more. Drew may be one of the most brilliant comedians working today, but we're positive he's the only guy raising pigs and growing corn while wearing a black mock turtle-neck sweater. Drew will once again be performing guest hosting duties along with our good friend Gunner while Bob is out on assignment. All we can say is, hurry back Bob.

Whatever Happened To That Theme Song?
It's time again for that fabulous feature, The Zany Report, as brought to you each week by Bob Zany. This man of comedic courage runs the comedy gauntlet every Tuesday, hoping that his report will lead to roaring laughter throughout the studio. And though he normally falls just a bit short, this legendary talent refuses to give up or give in. Also, one lucky fan will attempt to improve a Zany punchline by playing Fix The Joke, Baby (live) where they can win a boatload of prizes including a one year BOB&TOM VIP membership, a couple of ultra cool T-shirts and a whole lot more!

A Worldly Perspective
Comedian Marc Yaffee is a man of the world. He’s performed all over the United States as well as the Middle East, the Pacific and Asia but his international flair pertains to more than just his resume. Marc was born in East L.A. and was adopted by a Mexican mother and a Jewish father. Later, Yaffee was contacted by his birth mother who informed him of his Mexican-Irish-Navajo heritage. All these factors combined have helped this talented writer and performer gain a unique perspective on the world, and created an original but relatable comedy style. Marc regularly performs in comedy clubs, casinos and corporate events and has written for George Carlin’s Laugh.com.

The One and Only Drew Hastings
Though Drew Hastings is one of our most frequent visitors, we never run out of things to talk about when he stops by. It may have to do with his conversational skills, or years worth of standup comedy material, but more than likely it's his life as a metrosexual farmer that keeps things interesting. Drew may be one of the most brilliant comedians working today, but we're positive he's the only guy raising pigs and growing corn while wearing a black mock turtle-neck sweater.

Monday Morning Pop Quiz
Though it may seem like we just heard from him on Friday (because we did) comedian Scott Dunn will be joining us again on Monday at his regularly scheduled time. For those of you who aren't familiar with Scott, he's a stand-up comedian, an author, a father of two, a husband of one, and is also a history buff. This the past year, Scott's been using his knowledge of the past to create a regular feature on the show in which his "Roasts" major events throughout history, and then gives us a little pop-quiz when he's done. So make sure you've got a No. 2 pencil handy. Recently, Scott treated us to his first History Theater, in which he and Drew Hastings performed their rendition of what it was like during the final days of the Alamo.

"The difference between classy and trashy is timing and planning."
- David Crowe on dating

"I don't think anyone was expecting a fecal attack."
- Tom Griswold on the story about a guy defecating in a basket full of video games.

"The old man's creed: Never trust a fart and never waste a boner."
- Pat Dailey

"Most of the women I've dated are like Pringles. They're white, slightly warped and the snap easily."
- Drew Hastings

"If I put out an album it would be called 'Chick McGee: Coastin'"
- Chick McGee on his work ethic

"I'm just trying to let your jokes register through my antidepressants."
- Drew Hastings on why he wasn't laughing during the Zany Report

"Shows like Bad Girls Club are the starting pistol for Armageddon."
- Bobcat Goldthwait on reality TV

"So when you go into the strip clubs, do you leave your dignity in the car or put it in the trunk."
- Tom Griswold

"Humans have sex face to face to cause guilt"
- Chick McGee on how Humans are the only animal to use more positions than doggy style .

"Evidently underwear does serve a purpose."
- Tom Griswold on how he started wearing underwear after seeing an embarrassing picture of himself.

"I think I'm just going to go home and listen to this show. I hear it's pretty good."
- Bob Kevoian

"I'm not even lucky enough to fantasize about winning the lottery. I have to fantasize about someone else winning, and then killing them."
- Andy Hendrickson

"Why can't I have a pool?"
- Todd Snider wondering why now beer companies have paid him to use "Beer Run"

"I thought my marriage was going to be over before we got our wedding pictures back."
- John Heffron

"These guys are actually pretty good people, despite my apathy."
- Chick McGee trying to sound interested while reading a live commercial

"I don't color my hair for the same reason I don't dance, I don't want to feel queer."
- Nick Griffin

"I was on the Quotes Page once... back in 1995 I think."
- Frank Caliendo

"Frank wants to be on the Quotes Page. Yeah, that's what he needs, more exposure."
- Nick Griffin

"So far the BOB&TOM sports desk is 0-2 in solo shows."
- Gunner on his and Chick's solo morning show careers

"I'm not racist, I just find diversity dangerous."
- Daniel Tosh

"Have you guys ever got to the point in your life where you know you've met enough people."
- Greg Warren

"These primaries are like an expensive high school election."
- Bob Kevoian

"One guy doing something weird is a nut, a group of people doing something weird is a church."
- Bengt Washburn on growing up Mormon

"If we were going to be eating Jesus' body, I wanted dark meat."
- Steve Poltz on his confusion during his First Communion

"Get off the treadmill and go to the bar."
- Kristi Lee on how she doesn't like that her gym is becoming a pick-up joint

"Those strip mall karate places only teach you enough to get your ass whupped"
- Paul Thorn

"I scissor-kicked a circus bear to help raise over $200 to raise awareness for animal cruelty."
- Donnie Baker on bear wrestling

"I'm not available... when is it?
- Tom Griswold when asked to attend the Ferret Festival with Chick

"Everything I touch turns to sold."
- Kenny Tarmac

"You can talk about me in the tabloids all you want, but those come out every week and are forgotten. Songs like this, they stick around a lot longer."
- Kid Rock on his new song "So Hott" and how song writers get revenge

"The only professions where people prefer someone with little experience are politics and prostitution."
- Scott Dunn

"As a liberal, it pains me to say this, but when is America finally going to wake up and realize that tigers hate gay people."
- Auggie Smith on the recent tiger attacks and Siegfried and Roy.

"In Asia, the name Ty(rone) means 'creativity.' In America it means 'not hiring.'"
- Ty Barnett

"Why would I lie to you, we're not married?"
- Ross Bennett to Bob Kevoian

"My biggest fear about voting is getting trapped in the booth."
- Jamie Lissow

"This is like a think-tank of nothing."
- Tammy Pescatelli on The BOB&TOM Show

"Are we on the air or are these practice shows we're doing?"
- Chick McGee

"I've come across a fecal monument or two."
- Tom Griswold on the stains on shopping carts

"Kristi Lee Love You Long Time."
- Possible slogan for Kristi Lee in 2008

"Never play flag football in the nude."
- Bob Kevoian

"Whore's gotta eat too."
- Kristi Lee after hearing the story of the prostitute at Thanksgiving dinner

"I'm the boy in the bubble without the bubble."
- Jimmy Pardo on his multiple allergies

"Instruction manuals are nothing more than another man's opinion."
- Chick McGee

"Kids to me are like ghosts. I'm not afraid of them, but I don't want to move into a building that has them."
- Auggie Smith

"My ex-wife told me she wanted a divorce because she'd lost the tingle. I don't know what a tingle is, but it's equivalent to one house."
- Emo Philips

"If you start with it in there, it's okay."
- Bob Kevoian explaining how a thong is different than a wedgies

"I have a gorgeous taint."
- Chick McGee

"Her favorite recording artist is Tomas Edison."
- Bob Kevoian to Granny during the Shoe-In of the Week.

"I'm not going to get an operation on my johnson just because some e-mail keeps suggesting it. But my wife just keeps sending it."
- Nathan Trenholm

"Every project my dad worked on started with 'I can do it' and ended with 'nobody's gonna see that'."
- Andres Fernandez

"How low have you sank when you are going to Greg Hahn for relationship advice."
- Orny Adams to Kristi Lee

"Didn't we leave Tuna Town and move to cookoo-ville?"
- Tom Griswold on Anne Heche

"Now on sale we've got the OJ Simpson 'Find the Real Killer' Mirror. Is it magic or just common sense."
- Billy Mayzing with a new crop of amazing products

"When I'm 80 years old, just sign me up for a nice bowl movement."
-Tom Griswold on Hef and getting older

"My dog will talk your ear off if you let him."
- Dan Grueter on giving his dog a redneck voice

"They show too many commercials at the movies. That's the biggest crime in the world."
- Bob Kevoian

"The only difference between southern sodomy and prison rape is their taste in music."
- Tom Griswold

"I bet gay guys have sex all the time because there aren't any women to tell them no."
- Larry Reeb

"My to-do list consists of women's names and drugs."
- Shane Mauss

"Joe Theismann won't be here for another four hours so you may want to hold off on taking that Viagra."
- Tom Griswold to Chick McGee

"Ladies, if you don't want to date a drunk, don't go shopping at the drunk store."
- Shane Mauss on women picking up men in bars

"If I stopped drinking scotch, Johnny Walker would have to get rid of one of their trucks."
- Ron White

"Are you at all self sufficient?"
- Tom Griswold to Ron White

"I played basketball in highschool and they used to call me the mailman. Not because I was good, but because I used to shoot up the locker room after a bad loss."
- Rob Haney

"I like the WNBA. There is nothing like a two-hour layup drill."
- John Evans