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"I think you need to shut up now."
- Bob Kevoian to everyone
" I've done about 80 movies, although most of them starred Brian
Bosworth. He couldn't stop Bo Jackson, but he can sure keep
a buddy comedy
from being funny."
- Tom Wilson
"I didn't know I was white trash until I met Tom."
- Kristi Lee
"Pete Rose, Jr. faces prison and house arrest for steroids
distribution. By the way, he had only one request of the warden.
He's asked to wear his dad's old number."
- "Larry King"
" Hot pockets come in packs of two so that there is one to eat and
one to be in the freezer when you move."
- Jim Gaffigan
"You said 'penis' with your eyes."
- Chick McGee to Bob after calling him 'Needle Teeth'
"I bought one of those fake rocks you use to hide your
house key. A burglar used it to break my window."
- Dwight York
"Doing this report is like hunting with Dick Cheney, eventually
I know I'm going to get shot."
- Bob Zany
"Americans aren't afraid of Mexicans, Americans are afraid
that Mexicans are turning America into Mexico."
- David Crowe on immigration
"For that old man, a jackpot is a bowel movement."
- Tom Griswold on the old man who hit it big in a Las Vegas casino
"Doing your own taxes is a lot like masturbation. You have
to use your imagination and you pray you don't get caught."
- Rob Haney
"I am a very private person; I have an unlisted sleep number."
- Rob Haney on his Select Comfort bed
"From the bottom of my heart, you sicken me."
- Bob Zany to the cast after they all made fun of his Zany Report
"The reason there is a big "E" instead of a big "O" on
the eye test chart is because if it were a big "O," women
would lie about seeing it."
- John Alfrey answering Tom's question about why eye charts
still use the big "E" on top
"If you can't put cheese on it, it's not worth eating."
- Bob Kevoian on his philosophy on food.
"When I first met Bob Barker I told him I used to run home from
pre-school to watch him. Now people say that to me."
- Marc Summers on hosting Double Dare almost 20 years ago
"If I ever get to heaven, I'm going to find the hair angel
and whip his ass."
- Tim Wilson on losing hair
"I don't trust a guy I can't sleep with."
-Tim Wilson trying to make some sort of point but not saying it
very clearly.
"You don't want your bed to have a defense."
- Tom Griswold on having too many throw pillows on your bed
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