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"You don't shoot people when you get fired, you steal stuff."
- Jimmy Shubert
"Not all Asians are bad drivers, just the ones from Asia."
- Kivi Rogers
"All baseball players look like cops. I mean, would you
buy drugs from one of those scruffy guys on the Red Sox?"
- Doug Stanhope
"I want to make enough money to become a black republican."
- Alonzo Bodden
"My mother always touched me like I had something sticky
on my shirt."
- Drew Hastings
on his mother's loving nature
"My wife and I are very different. She's a perfectionist, and
I guess I'm a half-assist."
- Dave Cooperman
"I would drive 20 miles to see a frog explode. But I would
drive 200 miles to see a monkey ride a dog."
- Chick McGee after hearing the story about the exploding
frogs
"When you told me you were trying to be funny I thought you were
serious."
- Bob Kevoian to Chick after telling a bad joke
"Kobe Bryant said he'd give $1000 to the Tsunami victims
for every point he scored. How'd you like to be the guy playing
defense
on him that night."
- Auggie Smith
"If you only had to declare when you were funny, we've had some
comedians come through here who could be considered tax-free."
- Auggie Smith
"If there is anyone who doesn't need extra prayers to get
into heaven, it's the Pope. Save your prayers fore someone on
the
bubble like me."
- Tim Bedore
"I know I'm getting older because I want to build a deck."
- Dwight Slade
"My last confession was so bad that my pennance was to
find a cure for cancer."
- Wild Bill Bauer
"When a woman says 'underwear' instead of 'panties' it
makes you think she's also using a tampon the size of a lifebelt."
- Tom Griswold
"I'm 40 and don't know if I want to get married anymore.
I just want someone to throw me a shower."
- Tracy Smith
"Hey, you wanna go make your parents proud."
- "Donny Baker" on his move
"To me, the E! network answers questions that you were
never going to ask... like how was Full House made."
- Mike Birbiglia
"I have a loving family, make ends meet, but three out of five
days I drive home sobbing."
- Chick McGee on Tom being mean to him
"Whatever happened to pretty flight attendants?"
- Chick McGee on Travel
"Aren't those people falafel crazy?"
- Jim Holder
on what Iraqi's buy at bakeries.
"What's Dr. Phil's son going to do to follow in his footsteps,
suck money off a rich black woman and start his own TV show?"
- Bob Kevoian
"People in Canada are still drinking as much, it's just
that now they are watching JAG."
- Ian Bagg on the effect of no NHL in Canada
"I'm actually part Kennedy, which is why I've got the full
head of hair."
- Pat Godwin on the validity of his song 'Mom's Little Secret'
"You can tell the Pope doesn't have a wife because she
would have never let him leave the house wearing that hat."
- Tom Griswold
"Some people at the reception didn't seem to get the comedy
that is The Chickster."
- Chick McGee on his R-rated performance at Bob's Wedding
"I don't usually act my height."
- Drew Hastings
"I could run from my brothers when they tried to beat me up,
but they could never outrun my mouth. Which is probably why I'm
still single today."
- Tammy Pescatelli
"Nothing says 'Happy Birthday Jesus' like the Vegas Strip."
- Mark Sweeney on spending Christmas in Vegas.
"What you hear in your head and what all the rest of us
hear are two totally different things."
- Bob Kevoian to Chick after performing an impression
"Most people who get the crap beat out of them deserved it."
- Tom Griswold
"Michael Jackson is dressed like both The Captain and Tannille."
- George Lopez after testifying at Jacko's trial
"If I'm missing out on the finer things of life, that means
I'm just waiting to die. So while I'm waiting, I'm having a big
glass of scotch."
- Ron White
"I'm the Nostradamus of nicotine."
- Bob Kevoian on predicting that eventually you wouldn't be able
to smoke in public
"Never say Robin Williams and writing in the same sentence.
Robin does cover versions of other peoples jokes."
- Bill Scheft
"At the heart break hotel, you check in at the counter,
but you check out at the toilet."
- Floyd Tucker
"Comedian Joel Lindley has serial killer strength."
- Chick McGee
"Well I hope you're happy, you've ruined Christmas."
- Mark Gross reliving what a lady told him at his worst gig ever.
"Have a seat, John, because coffee's for closers."
- Chick McGee to a caller that 'sealed the deal' after mentioning
the BOB&TOM Show on a first date
"It doesn't matter what I do in my career, one of the things
I care about most is being quoted on bobandtom.com"
- Frank Caliendo
"Don't cry. You look fat when you cry."
- Pete Lee on how he gets his girlfriend to stop being upset
with him.
"I grew up pretty nonreligious, thank god."
- John Evans
"I've been trying to read more, but I've found out that
I'm illiterate."
- Tim Northern
"I had my ex-wife air-brushed on my windshield so that
it looks like I'm running her monkey-ass over."
- Geoff Brown
"I haven't been working out a lot lately, but I've been
making up for it by eating a lot of cake."
- Greg Hahn
"I guess the NHL season is going to start when hell freezes
over."
- Bob Kevoian
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