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"I saw my bra laying on the floor the other day and thought
it just looked tired. Like it had given up."
- Caroline Rhea
"President Bush hosted a dinner to honor the Queen of England.
To impress his guest, he learned a few phrases in English."
- Bob Zany
"My books have more bad marriages in them than the green
room of the Dr. Phil show."
- Bill Scheft
"You bring the condom, I'll bring something to putin it."
- Auggie Smith on dating
"in all the years I've done radio, nobody has ever asked
me what Drew Barrymore smelled like."
- Blake Clark to Chick McGee
"I don't know if I want to die, but it wouldn't be the
end of the world for me."
- Nick Griffin
"In my twenties, if there was something in bed with me,
I was rubbing against it."
- Bob Kevoian on Men and Women in bed
"It's not that I have too many in my pocket, I really want
you to take the mint."
- Mike Marino on people with bad breath
"You think regular crabs are bad, you should see them scramble
when you heat 'em up."
- "Floyd Tucker" on genital lice and heating pads
"When strip clubs start taking credit cards it'll be the
old swipe and wipe."
- Tom Griswold
"What is it about drinking that makes the adam's apples on transvestites
disappear."
- Pete Johansson
"Men like women with raspy voices because they think they're
done yelling."
- Moody McCarthy
"A loveless marriage means single. Look it up."
- Paul Mecurio
"Smokers, we're a dying breed."
- Bob Kevoian
"If you can rule it a suicide, you're going to lunch early."
- Mike Armstrong on the difference between real cops and cops
on TV
"If a stripper can't take a little hot wax in the eye, she shouldn't
be a stripper anyways."
- Donnie Baker on Strippers at Car Washes
"Today might be the day I cry on the air."
- Chick McGee
"Some people love rolling around in that fleshy Jell-o."
- Bob Kevoian on guys who enjoy heavy honeys
"I don't like chocolate on my cod."
- Tom Griswold on mixing sex and food.
"I fight like sandpaper. I may be skinny, but I'll scratch
the hell out of you. I'm also a heavy bleeder."
- James P. Connolly
"Chick's dig guys with confidence. At least I think they do."
- James P. Connolly
"This guy came up and called me a righteous piece of poon. And
this was after he offered me a free windshield repair."
- Andi Smith
"I tend to enjoy a complete physical more if it's done
on a Saturday night."
- James Gregory
"Going to the doctor is just one uncomfortably position
after another. It's a lot like being in college."
- Patti Vasquez
"I bet when you were a baby you were all mustache."
- Chick McGee to Bob
"You'd better get her a Valentine's day present if you
ever want to hit that again."
- Paul Mecurio to Sean Morey on buying his woman a gift
"I get paid to be insulted by you, our guests don't."
- Kristi Lee to Tommy G.
"You know it's getting bad when you're with someone and you
want to put your shirt on before your underwear."
- Dan Kaufman on getting older and out of shape
"Chick you couldn't handle a talking pussy."
- Caroline Rhea on the talking cat from her show, Sabrina the
Teenage Witch
"I don't wear sweaters. There is nothing interesting about
them."
- Tom Griswold
"I bet you'd make a lovely woman."
- Chick McGee to Tom Griswold
"I'm a character actor, which is a polite way of saying
'ugly.'"
- Jim Gaffigan
"I like Canada, because any country that has it's own bacon
has to be a special place."
- Jim Gaffigan
"The worst thing ever created was the omelet buffet bar."
- Tom Griswold
"I'm still married to my wife because neither one of us
want custody of the kids"
- Marc Yaffee
"She likes to be known as the 'Larry King' of menstruation."
- Bob Kevoian on tampons attached to suspenders
"I don't expect you to look good every day, just try to
string a few days together. You don't have to be Cal Ripkin Jr.
but
see if you can get a streak going."
- John Evans to his wife
"They can't sell you a gun while you're crying."
- Lord Carrett on divorce
"If
you've never been to a Waffle House, picture a men's restroom
that sells pancakes."
-Jim Gaffigan
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