Jokes
Audio clips
Events link Archives link Frequently asked questions link

w w w . b o b a n d t o m . c o m           

May 16 - 20 2005

The Former Beatle
Long before The Beatles became a worldwide phenomenon, they were just a young bar band performing in Liverpool, England. And before Ringo Starr took a seat behind that famous set of drums, the job belonged to the “Fifth Beatle,” Pete Best. Rudolph Peter Best became one of the founding members of the Fab Four back in 1959 when he was asked to join Paul, George and John’s band, then known as the Quarrymen. He played with The Beatles during their 1960-61 tour, but was asked to leave the group in 1962 for reasons that still aren’t totally clear. Best would go on to form other groups including The Pete Best Combo and The Pete Best Band but was never really able achieved the same level of success that his former group enjoyed. Today, Best continues to tour with his band, as well as appear at speaking engagements in which he’ll give talks about his experiences as a member of The Beatles and take part in Q&A sessions.

FACTOID – Some of The Beatles songs featuring Pete Best on drums appeared on the album The Beatles Anthology: 1.

 

Straight From
the Vile File

"Vile File" mastermind Dwight York isn't just a funny comic with a style and delivery all his own, he's also one of the best joke writers and a masters of misdirection you'll ever hear. York comes loaded with an endless arsenal of clever one-liners and short stories ranging from the innocent “They say gambling is a sin, but I’m betting god will forgive me,” to the slightly more bawdy “I brought home a woman from the bar last night but ended up passing out on the couch. I must've grabbed the wrong drink.” Many of these jokes are as fun to read as they are to listen to which is why Dwight has compiled the best of the worst and put them in his book, The Vile File.

 
 

Making His Long Awaited Return to the Studio
Since his first appearance on the show, Kevin Pollak has become a legend for his piece about interviewing Christopher Walken. There's not a day that goes by that we don't get an e-mail containing the phrase "because they're fast." Fortunately for fans everywhere, Kevin Pollak's popular impression can be found on his new live comedy CD, A Little Off the Top. Though Pollak has been rediscovering his roots in standup comedy, he's probably most well known for acting roles. He's appeared in Willow, A Few Good Men, The Whole Nine Yards, The Usual Suspects and most recently Hostage. The best part about these movie roles is that not only do they pay well, they also give Kevin great stories to tell on stage full of impressions of his costars and insider gossip.

JORDAN WARD ILLUSTRATION

 
The Little Old Lady From Indianapolis
Alice Campbell, is a 92-year-old great-great grandmother from Indianapolis, Indiana who had her ultimate high-speed wish come true at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Campbell was given the opportunity to take a ride in the two-seat Indy Racing Experience Indy-style race car and take a high-speed ride around the fabled 2.5-mile Speedway oval. As is customary for all Indy Racing Experience customers, Campbell’s ride approached 180 mph at times. “ (that was) one of the most exciting days of my life,” Alice said. “It felt great to me. I wouldn’t want to drive fast in crowded conditions, but I say that if you’ve got a clear road ahead of you, then I say, ‘Go!’” Campbell, who weighs 95 pounds and is 4 feet, 10 inches tall, told her daughter, Janet Bloomfield, months ago that she wanted to go 250 mph around the Speedway. Janet had to remind her mother that even the “real” IndyCar Series cars don’t go that fast!
 

Much More Than a Pink Shirt
Before we met Nick Griffin for the first time, the only thing we knew about him was that he had an affinity for pink shirts. This worried us. But once we got him in the studio and he had a chance to perform some comedy, Griffin put our minds at ease. It also helped that he showed up wearing more masculine colored clothing. During his visit, Nick shared with us his views on divorce, saying "I love you" and being smarter than Einstein, all of which ended up as a cut on the new BOB&TOM album, Sideshow. Griffin's been a professional standup comedian for over 15 years, has been featured on television shows like Comedy Central's Premium Blend and The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn and was a writer for The Keenan Ivory Wayans Show. Griffin also claims to have once worked with the entertainer known as Charo, but refused to go into any specific details.

FACTOID - Four-time World Boxing Champion James "Light Out" Toney once said of Nick Griffin, "Give this funny motherf#*@#@ whatever he wants or I will track you down and beat the living *@#$ out of you. Got it, Stupid ass?"

 

Vague But True
Tim Bedore has been on a hot streak lately with his weekly Vague But True editorials, which is why we're so eager to find out what his next installment will be about. Over the past year, these musings have helped us learn a lot about Tim, including his predictions on the upcoming year, the joy he finds in defacing SkyMall magazines, an odd dream he had about Bea Arthur and his theory on how animals are trying to wipe out our species. But no matter the topic, we're happy he'll be reporting on it from his new home up north, where the introverts stare at their shoes and the extroverts stare at your shoes. Plus, make sure you stick around for the conclusion of VBT because Bedore now has a catchy little outro that was performed by his talented neighbors.

 

You Were Meant For Steve
You wouldn’t think a guy that writes songs like Dog Doo Blues #48 and I Killed Walter Matthau was the same guy who discovered folk princess Jewel Kilcher, but singer/songwriter Steve Poltz is that guy. Poltz, the co-author of Jewel’s smash hit single You Were Meant For Me, began his music career as a member of the The Rugburns. With their off-the-wall lyrics and a style that blended folk, punk, pop and Swedish death metal, the band developed a dedicated cult following. The Rugburns released three albums before Steve decided it was time to pursue a solo career. Not content with being confined to one genre, Poltz writes songs that cover the entire musical spectrum. He’d sing beautiful folk tunes as the opening act for Jewel, then release an entire album of 46-second songs that he’d used as outgoing messages on his answering machine (such as the very popular, Sugar Booger). Poltz has recorded five solo albums including his most recent release, Chinese Vacation.

FACTOID – Steve Poltz once made a living selling pipe nipples.

FACTOID – "You Were Meant For Me" stayed on the Billboard Top 100 chart longer than any other song in history.

 

The First Must Read
of the Summer

Over the years, comedian turned sports columnist
Bill Scheft has become a fixture on our phone lines as well as one of our favorite guests. His column “The Show” in Sports Illustrated is one of the funniest reads you'll have each week and will become one of the first things you turn to when you pick the popular sports mag. In addition to his column, Scheft is the author of the critically acclaimed novel, The Ringer, which takes a comedic look at the life of a “professional” corporate softball league ringer. Though Scheft has got a new novel in the works, his next book to hit the shelves is actually a compilation of past SI columns. As an added bonus, The Best of The Show also includes many of the jokes that were cut from the original columns, brand new jokes and photo captions.

 

Back on the Tuesday Where He Belongs
The legendary Bob Zany is once again set to deliver his eagerly anticipated Zany Report and we can barely contain our excitement. After what seems like an eternity off, Bob is ready to present what he thinks is A-material in hopes of creating the biggest, funniest, most spectacular Zany Report of all time. However, if it's not, and for some reason you aren’t exhausted from laughing when it’s all said and done, there's always BobZany.com where you can test your hand at punch line writing by playing Fix The Joke Baby. Pick up one of those "Papa Eat Now" T-shirts while.

 

STYX LIVE!
The story of Styx reads like that of a soap opera script. Breakups, arguments, reunions, success, death and almost anything else you can think of have been a part of the band's history. However, none of this has kept Styx from continuing to be a major influence in the music industry since the 70s. The band has released a host of platinum albums and is responsible for a number of mega-hits including Lady, Come Sail Away and Chick's favorite, Lorelei. Though their sound has changed almost as many times as their roster, people continue to flock to their concerts and buy their albums including the new CD Big Bang Theory. Styx is getting ready to kick off their 2005 summer tour but first their going to stop by the Static Shack and perform live on the BOB&TOM Show.

 

Eric Hunter
Eric Hunter knew he wanted to be a standup comedian since he got his first laughs at a family reunion at the age of six. Since then he’s added a few more jokes to the act and taken them on the road to venues everywhere. A funny and clean performer, Hunter jokes sarcastically about various topics, including his friends, his Irish Catholic family, sports and the wonderful world of relationships. This will be Hunters second time on the show this year, which proves that Tim Bedore knows what he's talking about when he recommends a comedian.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


"The glory days of carrying a sword have passed."
- Kristi Lee on thee replacement of the sword as a primary weapon

"You don't shoot people when you get fired, you steal stuff."
- Jimmy Shubert

"Not all Asians are bad drivers, just the ones from Asia."
- Kivi Rogers

"All baseball players look like cops. I mean, would you buy drugs from one of those scruffy guys on the Red Sox?"
- Doug Stanhope

"I want to make enough money to become a black republican."
- Alonzo Bodden

"My mother always touched me like I had something sticky on my shirt."
- Drew Hastings on his mother's loving nature

"My wife and I are very different. She's a perfectionist, and I guess I'm a half-assist."
- Dave Cooperman

"I would drive 20 miles to see a frog explode. But I would drive 200 miles to see a monkey ride a dog."
- Chick McGee after hearing the story about the exploding frogs

"When you told me you were trying to be funny I thought you were serious."
- Bob Kevoian to Chick after telling a bad joke

"Kobe Bryant said he'd give $1000 to the Tsunami victims for every point he scored. How'd you like to be the guy playing defense on him that night."
- Auggie Smith

"If you only had to declare when you were funny, we've had some comedians come through here who could be considered tax-free."
- Auggie Smith

"If there is anyone who doesn't need extra prayers to get into heaven, it's the Pope. Save your prayers fore someone on the bubble like me."
- Tim Bedore

"I know I'm getting older because I want to build a deck."
- Dwight Slade

"My last confession was so bad that my penance was to find a cure for cancer."
- Wild Bill Bauer

"When a woman says 'underwear' instead of 'panties' it makes you think she's also using a tampon the size of a life belt."
- Tom Griswold

"I'm 40 and don't know if I want to get married anymore. I just want someone to throw me a shower."
- Tracy Smith

"Hey, you wanna go make your parents proud."
- "Donny Baker" on his move

"To me, the E! network answers questions that you were never going to ask... like how was Full House made."
- Mike Birbiglia

"I have a loving family, make ends meet, but three out of five days I drive home sobbing."
- Chick McGee on Tom being mean to him

"Whatever happened to pretty flight attendants?"
- Chick McGee on Travel

"Aren't those people falafel crazy?"
- Jim Holder on what Iraqi's buy at bakeries.

"What's Dr. Phil's son going to do to follow in his footsteps, suck money off a rich black woman and start his own TV show?"
- Bob Kevoian

"People in Canada are still drinking as much, it's just that now they are watching JAG."
- Ian Bagg on the effect of no NHL in Canada

"I'm actually part Kennedy, which is why I've got the full head of hair."
- Pat Godwin on the validity of his song 'Mom's Little Secret'

"You can tell the Pope doesn't have a wife because she would have never let him leave the house wearing that hat."
- Tom Griswold

"Some people at the reception didn't seem to get the comedy that is The Chickster."
- Chick McGee on his R-rated performance at Bob's Wedding

"I don't usually act my height."
- Drew Hastings

"I could run from my brothers when they tried to beat me up, but they could never outrun my mouth. Which is probably why I'm still single today."
- Tammy Pescatelli

"Nothing says 'Happy Birthday Jesus' like the Vegas Strip."
- Mark Sweeney on spending Christmas in Vegas.

"What you hear in your head and what all the rest of us hear are two totally different things."
- Bob Kevoian to Chick after performing an impression

"Most people who get the crap beat out of them deserved it."
- Tom Griswold