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"The glory days of carrying a sword have passed."
- Kristi Lee on thee replacement of the sword as a primary weapon
"You don't shoot people when you get fired, you steal stuff."
- Jimmy Shubert
"Not all Asians are bad drivers, just the ones from Asia."
- Kivi Rogers
"All baseball players look like cops. I mean, would you
buy drugs from one of those scruffy guys on the Red Sox?"
- Doug Stanhope
"I want to make enough money to become a black republican."
- Alonzo Bodden
"My mother always touched me like I had something sticky
on my shirt."
- Drew Hastings
on his mother's loving nature
"My wife and I are very different. She's a perfectionist, and
I guess I'm a half-assist."
- Dave Cooperman
"I would drive 20 miles to see a frog explode. But I would
drive 200 miles to see a monkey ride a dog."
- Chick McGee after hearing the story about the exploding
frogs
"When you told me you were trying to be funny I thought you were
serious."
- Bob Kevoian to Chick after telling a bad joke
"Kobe Bryant said he'd give $1000 to the Tsunami victims
for every point he scored. How'd you like to be the guy playing
defense
on him that night."
- Auggie Smith
"If you only had to declare when you were funny, we've had some
comedians come through here who could be considered tax-free."
- Auggie Smith
"If there is anyone who doesn't need extra prayers to get
into heaven, it's the Pope. Save your prayers fore someone on
the
bubble like me."
- Tim Bedore
"I know I'm getting older because I want to build a deck."
- Dwight Slade
"My last confession was so bad that my penance was to
find a cure for cancer."
- Wild Bill Bauer
"When a woman says 'underwear' instead of 'panties' it
makes you think she's also using a tampon the size of a life
belt."
- Tom Griswold
"I'm 40 and don't know if I want to get married anymore.
I just want someone to throw me a shower."
- Tracy Smith
"Hey, you wanna go make your parents proud."
- "Donny Baker" on his move
"To me, the E! network answers questions that you were
never going to ask... like how was Full House made."
- Mike Birbiglia
"I have a loving family, make ends meet, but three out of five
days I drive home sobbing."
- Chick McGee on Tom being mean to him
"Whatever happened to pretty flight attendants?"
- Chick McGee on Travel
"Aren't those people falafel crazy?"
- Jim Holder
on what Iraqi's buy at bakeries.
"What's Dr. Phil's son going to do to follow in his footsteps,
suck money off a rich black woman and start his own TV show?"
- Bob Kevoian
"People in Canada are still drinking as much, it's just
that now they are watching JAG."
- Ian Bagg on the effect of no NHL in Canada
"I'm actually part Kennedy, which is why I've got the full
head of hair."
- Pat Godwin on the validity of his song 'Mom's Little Secret'
"You can tell the Pope doesn't have a wife because she
would have never let him leave the house wearing that hat."
- Tom Griswold
"Some people at the reception didn't seem to get the comedy
that is The Chickster."
- Chick McGee on his R-rated performance at Bob's Wedding
"I don't usually act my height."
- Drew Hastings
"I could run from my brothers when they tried to beat me up,
but they could never outrun my mouth. Which is probably why I'm
still single today."
- Tammy Pescatelli
"Nothing says 'Happy Birthday Jesus' like the Vegas Strip."
- Mark Sweeney on spending Christmas in Vegas.
"What you hear in your head and what all the rest of us
hear are two totally different things."
- Bob Kevoian to Chick after performing an impression
"Most people who get the crap beat out of them deserved it."
- Tom Griswold
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