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"When you're proposing to your girl, never use the phrase 'worst
case scenario.'"
- Andy Kindler
"I'm representing the skull."
- Auggie Smith on embracing his bald look
"I see people all the time with hideous growths on their
heads."
- Tom Griswold on the story about the old women who grew a horn.
"I don't know what Cooter-Man's power is, but he smells
just like Aquaman."
- Chick McGee on the show's new Super Hero creation
"I saw my bra laying on the floor the other day and thought
it just looked tired. Like it had given up."
- Caroline Rhea
"President Bush hosted a dinner to honor the Queen of England.
To impress his guest, he learned a few phrases in English."
- Bob Zany
"My books have more bad marriages in them than the green
room of the Dr. Phil show."
- Bill Scheft
"You bring the condom, I'll bring something to putin it."
- Auggie Smith on dating
"in all the years I've done radio, nobody has ever asked
me what Drew Barrymore smelled like."
- Blake Clark to Chick McGee
"I don't know if I want to die, but it wouldn't be the
end of the world for me."
- Nick Griffin
"In my twenties, if there was something in bed with me,
I was rubbing against it."
- Bob Kevoian on Men and Women in bed
"It's not that I have too many in my pocket, I really want
you to take the mint."
- Mike Marino on people with bad breath
"You think regular crabs are bad, you should see them scramble
when you heat 'em up."
- "Floyd Tucker" on genital lice and heating pads
"When strip clubs start taking credit cards it'll be the
old swipe and wipe."
- Tom Griswold
"What is it about drinking that makes the adam's apples on transvestites
disappear."
- Pete Johansson
"Men like women with raspy voices because they think they're
done yelling."
- Moody McCarthy
"A loveless marriage means single. Look it up."
- Paul Mecurio
"Smokers, we're a dying breed."
- Bob Kevoian
"If you can rule it a suicide, you're going to lunch early."
- Mike Armstrong on the difference between real cops and cops
on TV
"If a stripper can't take a little hot wax in the eye, she shouldn't
be a stripper anyways."
- Donnie Baker on Strippers at Car Washes
"Today might be the day I cry on the air."
- Chick McGee
"Some people love rolling around in that fleshy Jell-o."
- Bob Kevoian on guys who enjoy heavy honeys
"I don't like chocolate on my cod."
- Tom Griswold on mixing sex and food.
"I fight like sandpaper. I may be skinny, but I'll scratch
the hell out of you. I'm also a heavy bleeder."
- James P. Connolly
"Chick's dig guys with confidence. At least I think they do."
- James P. Connolly
"This guy came up and called me a righteous piece of poon. And
this was after he offered me a free windshield repair."
- Andi Smith
"I tend to enjoy a complete physical more if it's done
on a Saturday night."
- James Gregory
"Going to the doctor is just one uncomfortably position
after another. It's a lot like being in college."
- Patti Vasquez
"I bet when you were a baby you were all mustache."
- Chick McGee to Bob
"You'd better get her a Valentine's day present if you
ever want to hit that again."
- Paul Mecurio to Sean Morey on buying his woman a gift
"I get paid to be insulted by you, our guests don't."
- Kristi Lee to Tommy G.
"You know it's getting bad when you're with someone and you
want to put your shirt on before your underwear."
- Dan Kaufman on getting older and out of shape
"Chick you couldn't handle a talking pussy."
- Caroline Rhea on the talking cat from her show, Sabrina the
Teenage Witch
"I don't wear sweaters. There is nothing interesting about
them."
- Tom Griswold
"I bet you'd make a lovely woman."
- Chick McGee to Tom Griswold
"I'm a character actor, which is a polite way of saying
'ugly.'"
- Jim Gaffigan
"I like Canada, because any country that has it's own bacon
has to be a special place."
- Jim Gaffigan
"The worst thing ever created was the omelet buffet bar."
- Tom Griswold
"I'm still married to my wife because neither one of us
want custody of the kids"
- Marc Yaffee
"She likes to be known as the 'Larry King' of menstruation."
- Bob Kevoian on tampons attached to suspenders
"I don't expect you to look good every day, just try to
string a few days together. You don't have to be Cal Ripkin Jr.
but
see if you can get a streak going."
- John Evans to his wife
"They can't sell you a gun while you're crying."
- Lord Carrett on divorce
"If
you've never been to a Waffle House, picture a men's restroom
that sells pancakes."
-Jim Gaffigan
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