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"Squirrels are evil because they have thumbs."
- Chick McGee
"If you're in a coma do you where shoes?"
- Tom Griswold
on coma fashion
"You show me a group of white people I can't laugh, and
I'll show you Canadians."
- Tim Wilson
"What's the difference between a Kayak and a Canadian. A Kayak
will tip."
- Chick McGee
"How come chicken tastes better when it's got a toothpick
in it? I swear to god it does."
- "Donny Baker" on samples at the Food Court
"If OJ committed that murder, it must have been his first."
- Tim Wilson
"If NIKE came out with a shoe for chick, would it be the Air
Potato."
- Bob Kevoian
"You cannot catch mad cow from a donut."
- Greg Hahn
"It doesn't matter what I'm talking to Tom about, I always
end up feeling like dirt."
- Chick McGee
"Ladies, we love you and want to care about things like
eyelash curlers., but we don't."
- Mike Green
"I was afraid to tell another joke because I thought it might
lead into another one of Tom's stories."
- Bob Zany
"I think I should move seats before the lord tries to strike
Chick down."
- Rodney Johnson after Chick make a blasphemous comment
"Why do every one one of my jokes end with me running away?"
- Dan Kaufman
"I'm the dustbuster of comedy. I can suck the laughs out
of any joke."
- Jimmy Pardo
"I wanna label everyone."
- Chick McGee on acceptance of everyone and everything.
"Thank god for you Kristi, actually believing that theater
of the mind."
- Jimmy Pardo on people actually wanting to buy his ill-fated
show Funny Money on DVD
"I think tuxedos have been tainted by ushers at movie theaters."
- Tom Griswold
"The only thing keeping me alive is knowing that I wasn't
breast fed."
- Chick McGee
"Pizza is way more popular than I will ever be."
- Mike Birbiglia
"The glory days of carrying a sword have passed."
- Kristi Lee on thee replacement of the sword as a primary weapon
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