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"Being a lesbian is about more than bad haircuts and riding a motorcycle."
- Tom Griswold on tolerance and acceptance
"Katie Holmes says she had posters of Tom Cruise on her
walls as a kid and now she's marrying him. I find that infinitely
creepy.
That's like me marrying Jessica Hahn."
- Mike MacRae
"I feel okay now, fortunately my testicles broke my fall."
- Chick McGee on falling through his attic
"My Latino wife likes the spicy food, but I've got a white
man's tongue. I can't even handle salt on my popcorn."
- Bryan Kellen
"When I get rich, you can call me African American. For
now, I'm just black as hell."
- JP Madison
"Whatever Madonna believes in is automatically wrong."
- Tom Griswold
"Freedom knows no season."
- Chick McGee on celebrating the 4th of July on the 3rd
"When I was in Reno i saw they have five religious channels
on cable. When they talking about sins I though they were reading
a list
of things to do in town."
- Karen Rontowski
"I think Chick is our Gilligan.
He's ruined three peoples lives."
- Bob Kevoian
"The only thing pot ever killed was boredom."
- Sean Kent "No matter how many surgeries you have, you can't take the depression
out."
- "Floyd Tucker"
"Just because I can't believe I live in a nice house doesn't
mean you shouldn't."
- George Lopez on being mistaken for help at his home
"I like it because it's not funny."
- Marty the Boss at a recent lunch meeting discussing bit ideas
"When I'm raising my kids, I sometimes feel like I'm being
initiated into a fraternity."
- Dave Dugan
"Have you ever watched a movie, then gotten into a fight
with your wife about it afterward, then almost got a divorce?
Me neither."
- Chick McGee
"There's nothing wrong with having sex while you're drunk."
- Bob Kevoian
"Sex, drugs and Rock n' Roll, that's what bugs are all
about."
- Ruud the Bugman
"Is it a jackpot on the Barry Manilow slot machine when
his face and two other fruits pop up."
- Bob Kevoian
"There are priest who have slept with more woman than you."
- Tom Griswold to Chick, who has only slept with people he's married
"I don't care if that stuff is made of kids from third
world countries, it's good."
- Tom Griswold on the popcorn butter flavor at the movies
"This isn't a new show, it's just the same old crap."
- Bob Kevoian after Tom promised to start fresh after a break
"I'm a clown sloth, you know that."
- Chick McGee
"What has that done to you and how much is this going to cost me?"
- Tom Griswold to Chick after he was complaining abut never going
to camp
"Squirrels are evil because they have thumbs."
- Chick McGee
"If you're in a coma do you where shoes?"
- Tom Griswold
on coma fashion
"You show me a group of white people I can't laugh, and
I'll show you Canadians."
- Tim Wilson
"What's the difference between a Kayak and a Canadian. A Kayak
will tip."
- Chick McGee
"How come chicken tastes better when it's got a toothpick
in it? I swear to god it does."
- "Donny Baker" on samples at the Food Court
"If OJ committed that murder, it must have been his first."
- Tim Wilson
"If NIKE came out with a shoe for chick, would it be the Air
Potato."
- Bob Kevoian
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