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"I'm not wearing any panties."
- Kristi Lee
"Before I turn on the shower, I always have to say 'how you gonna
keep them down on the farm."
- Chick McGee
"There's a guy at work who's got one hand smaller than
the other. It looks like a back scratcher, I swear to god it
does."
- "Donny Baker"
"I can breath under cleavage."
- Bob Kevoian
"I had a woman tell me that I wasn't ugly, I was unattractive.
Boy, did she know how to make me fell better."
- Ross Bennett
"I've got the Peyton Manning of Girlfriends. She's great
and everything but she hasn't got the ring yet."
- Pete Lee
"Do female dogs get Pap smears?"
- Chick McGee
"If it means lower gas prices, I don't care if we drill
into the skull of a polar bear. And I'm as liberal as they come."
- Auggie Smith
"Watching you work is like watching a kid with a match
running around a fireworks store."
- Chick McGee on Tom Griswold
"There's no beeping in radio."
- Bob Kevoian
"The runaway bride took a bus cross country. I think she's
suffered enough."
- Costaki Economopolous
"I wear SPF 45 on my skin. That's not sunblock, it's liquid
shirt."
- Ryan Dalton
"Let's take a moment to contrast your pain with my success."
- "Dr. Phil"
"You are now officially my least favorite guest."
- Chick McGee to Pat Godwin
"My solution is to put birth control in the water, but
strictly by zip code."
- Tom Griswold on people who shouldn't have kids
"I've lost 70lbs since the last time you saw me, which I found
out is equivalent to an Olsen Twin."
- Christine Steadman
"Hang out with losers and you look like a winner."
- Jack Freeman, Success Guru
"Being a lesbian is about more than bad haircuts and riding
a motorcycle."
- Tom Griswold on tolerance and acceptance
"Katie Holmes says she had posters of Tom Cruise on her
walls as a kid and now she's marrying him. I find that infinitely
creepy.
That's like me marrying Jessica Hahn."
- Mike MacRae
"I feel okay now, fortunately my testicles broke my fall."
- Chick McGee on falling through his attic
"My Latino wife likes the spicy food, but I've got a white
man's tongue. I can't even handle salt on my popcorn."
- Bryan Kellen
"When I get rich, you can call me African American. For
now, I'm just black as hell."
- JP Madison
"Whatever Madonna believes in is automatically wrong."
- Tom Griswold
"Freedom knows no season."
- Chick McGee on celebrating the 4th of July on the 3rd
"When I was in Reno i saw they have five religious channels
on cable. When they talking about sins I though they were reading
a list
of things to do in town."
- Karen Rontowski
"I think Chick is our Gilligan.
He's ruined three peoples lives."
- Bob Kevoian
"The only thing pot ever killed was boredom."
- Sean Kent "No matter how many surgeries you have, you can't take the depression
out."
- "Floyd Tucker"
"Just because I can't believe I live in a nice house doesn't
mean you shouldn't."
- George Lopez on being mistaken for help at his home
"I like it because it's not funny."
- Marty the Boss at a recent lunch meeting discussing bit ideas
"When I'm raising my kids, I sometimes feel like I'm being
initiated into a fraternity."
- Dave Dugan
"Have you ever watched a movie, then gotten into a fight
with your wife about it afterward, then almost got a divorce?
Me neither."
- Chick McGee
"There's nothing wrong with having sex while you're drunk."
- Bob Kevoian
"Sex, drugs and Rock n' Roll, that's what bugs are all
about."
- Ruud the Bugman
"Is it a jackpot on the Barry Manilow slot machine when
his face and two other fruits pop up."
- Bob Kevoian
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