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"I don't drink tequilla anymore because it makes me ski."
- John Pinnette
"Alfalfa sprouts make angels cry."
- John Pinnette
"I'm a fantasy football widow."
- Caroline Rhea
"My wife is Hawaiian. Well, no she's not but she's shaped
like a pineapple."
- Bobby Slayton
"You're the boomerang of comedy, you just keep coming back."
- Bob Kevoian to Tim Cavanagh
"I am trying to learn Spanish so that I can start Text-Mexing
people."
- Heywood Banks
"I won't tell you how many times my dad has been married,
but if they were sandwiches, his next one would be free."
- Jimmy Pardo
"Using it as a suppository seems to take all of the romance
out of heroin."
- Tom Griswold
"In my twenties I was anal about my birth control. Literally."
- Laurie Kilmartin
"Some day I want to hold your hand and run across the rainbow
little fluff-puff."
- Harland Williams to Frank Caliendo as George W. Bush
"I feel like a dog listening to a card trick."
- Chick McGee while listening to Don McMillan's tech joke
"You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets."
- Daniel Tosh
" I wear black condoms because they're slimming."
- Daniel Tosh
"Nothing beats a good cookie."
- Kristi Lee
"I've been on drugs for a week, I don't know what real
life is like right now."
- Kristi Lee
"Why did you look at me when you said 'premature'?"
- Chick McGee to Laura Steele
"Climbing around on the old fleshy playground."
- Bob Kevoian on having fun with a full-figured gal
" I never trust a hooker with fresh breath."
- "Larry King"
"The most ticklish people in the whole world are people
walking down the street who you don't know."
- Mike Armstrong
"My body has no sexual meaning anymore, so if I can make
people laugh with it, at least it's being used."
- Louis C. K.
"At least the US had an Exit Strategy for the World Cup."
- Bill Scheft on the US defeat in Soccer
"You couldn't look down on me anymore than you already
do. You are so superior to me, it's breathtaking."
- Chick McGee to Tom
"I think the word you were looking for was 'perfect.'"
- Tommy Johnigan after Chick called him a 'freak.'
"The McRibb is the deadbeat dad of the fast food restaurant.
It comes around every 6 months and you're supposed to be excited
about it."
- John Garrett
"I know a lot of my comedian friends are a little 'kumbaya',
but I would actually own a gun."
- Richard Jeni
"All of my home invasions are in the nude."
- Chick McGee
"I figured, women must like men's rear ends because it reminds
them of a purse. It's got two sides, split in the middle and
you keep your $&^# in it."
- Richard Jeni on things he doesn't un
"How come when you make suggestions they sound annoying
and stupid, and when I do it they sound reasonable."
- Tom Griswold to Kristi while talking about grocery stores
"If Chick had a cologne, it would smell like mayonnaise."
- Tom Griswold
"It was a tough gig. They had to wake me up to fire me."
- Jim Gaffigan on his straight jobs before becoming a comedian
"I told people that I was from Indiana and they told me they
didn't know they had such strong accents in Indy."
-Wolfgang Puck on his heavy German accent.
"How much money is Russia putting into this 'international' space
station. I mean, it's like playing poker with your kids."
- Chick McGee to Dr. David Wolf
"Carrying around Vagisil is like having a I. V. for your genitals.
You need that constant lube."
- Tom Griswold
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