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"Kids to me are like ghosts. I'm not afraid of them, but I don't want to move into a building that has them."
- Auggie Smith
"My ex-wife told me she wanted a divorce because she'd lost the tingle. I don't know what a tingle is, but it's equivalent to one house."
- Emo Philips
"If you start with it in there, it's okay."
- Bob Kevoian explaining how a thong is different than a wedgies
"I have a gorgeous taint."
- Chick McGee
"Her favorite recording artist is Tomas Edison."
- Bob Kevoian to Granny during the Shoe-In of the Week.
"I'm not going to get an operation on my johnson just because some e-mail keeps suggesting it. But my wife just keeps sending it."
- Nathan Trenholm
"Every project my dad worked on started with 'I can do it' and ended with 'nobody's gonna see that'."
- Andres Fernandez
"How low have you sank when you are going to Greg Hahn for relationship advice."
- Orny Adams to Kristi Lee
"Didn't we leave Tuna Town and move to cookoo-ville?"
- Tom Griswold on Anne Heche
"Now on sale we've got the OJ Simpson 'Find the Real Killer' Mirror. Is it magic or just common sense."
- Billy Mayzing with a new crop of amazing products
"When I'm 80 years old, just sign me up for a nice bowl movement."
-Tom Griswold on Hef and getting older
"My dog will talk your ear off if you let him."
- Dan Grueter on giving his dog a redneck voice
"They show too many commercials at the movies. That's the biggest crime in the world."
- Bob Kevoian
"The only difference between southern sodomy and prison rape is their taste in music."
- Tom Griswold
"I bet gay guys have sex all the time because there aren't any women to tell them no."
- Larry Reeb
"My to-do list consists of women's names and drugs."
- Shane Mauss
"Joe Theismann won't be here for another four hours so you may want to hold off on taking that Viagra."
- Tom Griswold to Chick McGee
"Ladies, if you don't want to date a drunk, don't go shopping at the drunk store."
- Shane Mauss on women picking up men in bars
"If I stopped drinking scotch, Johnny Walker would have to get rid of one of their trucks."
- Ron White
"Are you at all self sufficient?"
- Tom Griswold to Ron White
"I played basketball in highschool and they used to call me the mailman. Not because I was good, but because I used to shoot up the locker room after a bad loss."
- Rob Haney
"I like the WNBA. There is nothing like a two-hour layup drill."
- John Evans
"Even for a racist, race is way down on the list of reasons to hate Barry Bonds."
- Costaki Economopoulos
"I used to call myself a communist because it pissed off my parents, and I didn't have the guts to say I was gay."
- Tom Rhodes on rebelling
"Buggers can't be choosers."
- Tom Griswold
"Putting comedy in a music festival is like hiding a message in porn. Nobody is going to notice."
- Doug Stanhope
"You don't realize how bad your teeth look until you shave your head."
- Doug Stanhope
"Comedians feel the same way about Gallagher that vampires do about Count Chocula."
- Pat Dixon
"For the good of the show, you two need to knock one out."
- Chick McGee to Kristi Lee and Tommy G.
"I'm too professional, I'd never hit on a co-worker."
- Tom Griswold
"You see the condom as half empty, I see the condom as half full."
- Drew Hastings on his fantasy date with Kristi Lee
"Body odor is nature's alarm clock and a lot of people from my home town are hitting the snooze alarm."
- Mario DiGiorgio
"Men have to feel shame about there genitals otherwise society breaks down. "
- Scott Dunn on keeping it in your pants.
"If Anna Nicole Smith was the Marilyn Monroe of our age, then Weekend at Bernie's was our Gone with the Wind."
- Tom Segura
"My wife bought me a natural deodorant. It said right there on the packaging, "Does Not Work.""
- Jim Gaffigan on the "Green" lifestyle
"Don't smoke weed with ugly women, it's a waste. You can drink a girl fine, but you can't smoke a girl fine."
- Geoff Brown
"A threesome has never been one of my fantasies, but when someone offers, it becomes one really quick."
- David Crowe
"I like a woman with a past. A skank with books."
- Drew Hastings on his preferred type of woman
"The only way you meet women on the farm is if their car breaks down."
-Drew Hastings
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