|
Posted Wednesday, June 18
Making the News
Recently I was the public information officer for a case involving
the man who phoned in a threat hoping to delay an airplane he
was late for. I had several people tell me about seeing or hearing
me on CBS and CNN. The most exciting feedback was from several
of your listeners who told me they heard me on the Bob
and Tom show. As a fan myself, I thought I can say my career
is complete now that I was on your show.
Mike Moran
Lt. Medford, Oregon Police Dept.
YOU GUYS ROCK!
I just wanted to tell you how great my ego is since I heard Da
Vinci's Notebook sing the song," enormous penis" .
It all started one morning when I took my wife to get her hair
cut at her favorite salon. I was waiting out in the lobby, with
about 3 or 4 more women. And for some reason that song just popped
into my head. I started to sing to myself, then I began to whistle
the chorus. Just then this women looked at me and said "
enormous penis?"
I said " yes." Not fully realizing what I had just said.
I sat there waiting for my wife. As we were walking out of the
salon, I noticed those 3 or 4 women looking at me and smiling
from ear to ear. My wife asked me, " why?" Then it hit
me. Now every time my wife calls to make her appointment, they
asked " Will you're husband be bringing you?" So could
you please play it?
Thank you Bob and Tom
Mike from Harrisburg, PA
Posted Thursday, June 12
Bob & Tom: The Next Generation
Last October my wife found out she was pregnant (we already have
2 children). She found this out at a consultation with a doctor
that was going to tie her tubes! (Surprise)
The following month we went in for her first ultrasound and discovered
that we were going to have twin boys (my we passed out on the
examination table). On my way back to work I had a brainstorm...We
named my first son after my Grandfather - Philip, so why not follow
suit and name my next two sons after my Great Grandfather and
my Great-Great Grandfather. Their names were Robert and Thomas.
I phoned my mother and told her of my idea, to which she laughed
and said, "Your wife will never let you name them that !!"
I asked, "Why not?"
It then dawned on me that my sons' names would be "Bob &
Tom". How cool is that! Unfortunately, my wife detests your
show and vehemently rejected my names. (Thus proving that opposites
attract; I love the show)
In the months to follow, all of my friends and family referred
to the unborn twins as "Bob & Tom". All of our ultrasound
pictures were labeled "Bob & Tom".
My wife is eight months pregnant and we still haven't decided
on names. She goes into labor early Sunday morning on June 1st.
I phoned my mother to meet us at the hospital and told her that
the "Bob and Tom Show was about to begin!!" At 11:09
and 11:10 the twins are born. Since she was floating on cloud
nine via demmorhal, I thought, what better time to name the boys....
I wasn't able to get first names as "Bob and Tom", but
we did name them Connor Robert and Christopher Thomas. To the
dislike of my wife, all of our friends and family affectionately
refer to Connor and Christopher as "Bob & Tom" ---------
Long Live the Bob and Tom Show !!!!! Yours truly,
Pat Kirkwood - the father of Bob and Tom
Posted Tuesday, June 4
The Truth Behind Bars
Dear BOB and TOM you guy's rock! I have A buddy who after serving
3 years in prison was released a month ago, so I took him out
the other day to hunt for a job. While we were driving from one
potential company to another I was listening to your show as I
do every day when prisoner of love came on. while I was laughing
and enjoying the song I failed to notice my buddy wasn't laughing.
So after the song I looked over to ask him if everything was OK,
when to my surprise I noticed he was crying, I pulled the car
over and after a half hour of coaxing I got him to tell me what
was on his mind, he looked me directly in the eye and said that
song was not funny, so I ask why not. his response was because
that stuff really happens. and it happened to me (he said) now
my friend is no little fella he stands around 6'3" about
245 very little fat so I ask how does this happen to a man of
your size and stature? his reply was do you remember THE SHAWSHANK
REDEMPTION, yes I say and he say's after about 2 weeks and 2 dozen
ass whippins he became willing to comply,and was promptly sold
for 2 cartons of camels and some commisary credit. The bad part
is he confessed that is now his preferred form of loving,
and asked if I wanted to try it, to which I answered HELL
NO!!!! as long as Brittney spears is around I am staying on this
side of the fence. so now he refuses to listen to your show, but
don't worry I still refuse to turn the station when he is in my
car.
Posted Monday, June 3
Nut Jar
Dear Bob and Tom,
I was born with three testicles, sex was normal, although women
had claimed that there was much more semen then usual. I had it
removed around 1 month ago. Everything works as of last night
*like chick I masturbate frequently* I noticed that there wasn't
as much semen as normal. On another note, I have the extra testicle
in a jar with a photo of chick on the outside because we all know
nobody knows more about balls then chick
Sincerely, Jim
Will The Real Larry King Please Stand
Up
Bob & Tom
This weekend my wife and I were listening to highlights of last
weeks show, and one of the skits was a Larry King bit. She said
"I saw Larry King on TV this week and he isn't near as funny
or light hearted as he is on the radio. Maybe because he is tired
doing shows all day long." Then she looked at me kind of
quizzically, and said "Do you thing the one on the radio
is a fake?" I almost ran off the road laughing. Now Larry
is right up there with Dean and Jerry.
Thanks for all you do,
Fort Wayne, IN
Posted Wednesday, May 28
The Scrotum Test
Dear Bob, Tom, Chick and the girl:
I just finished my second year of medical school in Milwaukee,
WI. Approximately two weeks ago I took my last examination, a
cumulative Pathology test. Unfortunately, I decided to listen
your show on my drive into school. Low and behold, the 'Scrotum
Song' was blasting through the airwaves. I actually enjoy the
tune and was gleefully humming along at the time. Little did I
know I would not be able to get that god da?%n song out of my
head for the next 4 hours. So I am taking my Pathology exam, trying
to remember which chromosomal translocation is intimately associated
with which form of lymphoma and all the while I am fighting the
words... "Scrotum, scrotum, you're my wrinkly wrinkly bad
of skin". What form of breast cancer is most malignant? What
are the microscopic changes associated with alcoholic hepatitis?
Brain tumors, inflammatory bowel disease..... "Scrotum, scrotum,
you're the sac I put my testes in. "Somewhere along the way
though, I hit a groove. I think it was the "If it don't fit
don't force it" line that drove me. I started rattling off
answers and eventually finished the test. I just learned that
I got a B on my final and an A for the semester.
Thanks, I think.
Josh (future MD)
Making The Day A Little Brighter
Bob, Tom & everyone.
I just had to let you know how you bring a little joy to us all.
I was in the waiting room getting ready to go into chemotherapy
for about 4 1/2 hours yesterday the 27th. I had my portable
CD/Radio with me so I put the headphones on and tuned to the show
on 92 Rock in Johnstown, PA. Well I'm listening to the Bob Zany
segment and burst out laughing out loud. Every head in the room
turned and were looking at me. I lowered my headphones and said
"Bob Zany!" Another guy in the room nodded and said
"Bob and Tom Show!" A lady then broke in with "Bing
Crosby!" Everyone in the room is laughing by now
even the ones who didn't know what we were talking about. Needless
to say the next couple of hours didn't seem so bad as a few more who passed
by me that morning said that they were listening to you on
the way in. Thank You!!
Danno
Johnstown, PA
Posted Thursday, May 22
Fun in the Sun
BOB&TOM You Guys Rock
My story is a little embarrassing, but here goes. I live in south
Florida and enjoy the warm sun on my body and I also enjoy "spanking
the monkey" like most men do. I lived in a house with a private
back yard, so being the ingenious type I would sit out back to
catch some rays and satisfy my urges. I've recently separated
from my wife, but the relationship is amicable and I have access
to the house any time I want to see the kids or whatever. One
day I left work a bit early and got the urge when I got to the
house. I was out back stroking it when all of a sudden the dog
went wild and there's my soon to be ex standing at the patio door.
That was quite shocking and embarrassing, but the funny part is
I had somehow locked the door when I shut it so I was stuck outside
with a bottle of Astroglide and no clothes. She was dying laughing
at my predicament and probably didn't stop chuckling about it
fort two hours. Of course she promised not to tell anybody, but
for some reason whenever I see any or her friends or family I
get a look like I'm some kind of freak. I'm sure this has happened
to Chick on several occasions, but it's been mortifying to me.
David L.
Posted Thursday, May 8
We Finally Made It in the Teacher's
Lounge
Hey You Guys Rock
I work in a Operating room as a Nurse. I was listening on Monday
on my way to work, and the subject of nurses caps came up. I
must tell you all that Tom was right on, almost. First it is
called a cap, not a hat. The Cap was made as a project for a
grade and to keep the tradition of the Cap alive. The significance
of the old Cap was not what school you attended but what nursing
theory the school associated with. IE; Doerthea Dix, Oram, Nightingale
and the other four nursing theories. The reason the Nursing
Cap went away was it was a breading ground for germs that would
spread throughout the hospital to include cross contamination
of other patients. This was a bad thing especially in a hospital!
Tom you impressed me and thanks for the acknowledgement for
Nurses week
Gary S. BSN.
PS. I am Happily Married to a female nurse and I am not gay!
So forget
about the stigmatism
Let Larry Be Your Guide
Dear Bob and Tom,
The life of a college professor is sometimes an interesting
one. Yesterday afternoon a rather attractive coed invited a
colleague and I (both over 40, married, overweight, one bald
[not me]) to a "maragarita party" celebrating her
twenty-first birthday. We chuckled nervously, knowing we'd really
like to go, then rapidly began listing all the reasons why we
"really couldn't." After she left, we were discussing
it and came up with a new product that would help us cope with
moments like that better. I am writing to inquire if Frigemall
industries would be interested in distributing this item. It's
an attractive woven bracelet, featuring the letters W.W.L.E.D.
That's right, "What Would Larry Eustachy Do?" One
glance at that and the dilemma solves itself.
Many Thanks,
The Prof
Posted Wednesday, May 7
We Finally Made It in the Teacher's Lounge
You Guys Rock!
I am an elementary school teacher. On Thursday, I went into
the teacher's lounge and found for other teachers laughing hysterically.
One looked up and said three words. "Bob and Tom"
I replied with two words. "Turd Herders" and we all
went off again. This naturally led us to the "Scrotum Song"
which only two of us had heard so we shared it with everyone.
Of course, what would be the next logical thing to discuss,
"The Camel Toe Song" As we were trying to see if we
could remember all of the different "euphamisms" another
teacher came into the lounge and said, "I really need to
shut the air vent over the door. They can hear everything you
are saying out in the hall."
Many at this school LOVE YOU, we just hope we still have a JOB
when it is all said and done. Thanks alot!
Breaking a Bad Habit
Dear Chick,
Just wanted to let you know you have broken me of a bad habit.
I am a courier, driving about eight hours a night. I listen
to the show start to finish every morning. I used to be in the
habit of unbuckling my seatbelt as I was approaching one of
my delivery stops. I will never do that again because of you,
Chick. Here's why. One show you asked listeners for stories
about being knocked out. Having never been knocked out myself,
I thought it could be funny. I was getting ready to make a drop
(no seatbelt), when you said something that made me laugh. I
was attempting to take a drink of my coffee, choked on it, drove
off the road, hit a tree and knocked myself out on the steering
wheel. I should have learned my lesson but figured it was a
fluke.
Yesterday, (5/6/03) I was approching a stop (again no seat belt)
when Kristi was reading the story about the Bagdad Zoo being
looted. You yell out "Dude, I got a llama!" This made
me choke on the soda I was attempting to drink, loose control,
hit a building and knock myself out on the steering wheel. I
will not ever remove my seatbelt before the vehicle is stopped
again. Thank you for beaking me of this habit. Not only do you
do sports, you provide important public service.
Thanks again,
Tim
Posted Tuesday, April 29
Thanks For the Albums
Thank you for the CD's. We got them in the mail today. We never
expected to
get a whole collection. We really needed that. You have brought
laughter
to many soldiers in my unit. Thought you guys might like a little
update.
I believe the last time we e-mailed you we were still in Kuwait.
After we
moved from there we went north to a spot in the sand that was
west of
Karbala. We stayed there for about a week. We then moved to our
current
position at an airstrip soutwest of Baghdad. We have been here
for about 3
weeks now and hope to stay here a while. Our unit has put together
a
webpage. If you would like to view it the address is www.101ssbfsg.com
Again, thank you for the CD's, and we have already put the toilet
paper to
use!!
CPL. Camera
SGT. Smith
SSG. Hay
Posted Thursday, April 24
The Rhythm of the Show
Dear Bob, Tom, Kristi, and Chick,
I was listening to the show this morning and you had read an email
from a gentleman who claims he failed his test due to listening
to your show (B-EE-RR-UN). You have mentioned other experiences
that people have had relating to your show, so I thought I would
share my story in regards to one of your shows (but I do not "fault"
your show for my actions/results).
I have three children, the youngest going to be 5(all girls).
A few years ago my husband and I decided we were not going to
have any more children. My husband chickened out of a vasectomy,
so we rely on the "rhythm". Any way... back in March
you had a lady (Crystal) on the show celebrating Three-way Day.
I found her experience to be very "intriguing". Later
that day my husband and I were talking about your show and I filled
him in about this woman and her adventures with the 2 men. Then
I proceeded to tell him how horny I was because of this, which,
with no surprise, caused him to choke-up on his saliva. We had
a good chuckle over this followed by an evening rendezvous. I
guess being so fazed by Crystal's story I lost track of the "rhythm".
I just found out about 3 weeks ago that I am pregnant. Having
three kids popping up at any time doesn't give you much time,
let alone the energy for periodic intimate relations, but thanks
to my "influenced libido", unexpected relations occurred.
Thank you for having Past Show Archives, I was able to figure
out the date of conception (March 3) for my due date (November
24). All that I have to say is, "it better be a boy"!
Love the show,
Jennifer
Posted Tuesday, April 22
If You Listen, Jesus Will Cry
Hi Bob and Tom and Kristi and Chick!
I am sooooooo happy lent is over! I really missed you guys! You
see, being a good Catholic girl [Kristi can relate] I wanted to
give up something for Lent and I wanted it to be something that
would be a big sacrifice. I gave this a lot of thought and decided
to give up listening to you. IT WAS REALLY HARD! I told everyone
I felt like I was missing my really good friends who were not
available for some reason. My husband [he goes to daily Mass]
even said "why don't you just give up listening to them a
couple of days during the week but not entirely?" He could
tell how hard this was for me. Well, I turned my radio back on
to your station this morning and feel like I am back visiting
with my good friends. The same kind of feeling you get when you
get re-united with old friends that you haven't seen in a ling
time! I don't think I will be giving up listening to you next
year! I will have to come up with a different idea because this
was just too difficult to do with out you starting my day! You
always put me in a good mood and I find myself laughing out loud
many mornings! I am so glad to hear your voices again. Thanks
for always having such a fun show to listen to.
Janni from Peoria Il
Match Game & Member Names
Dear Tom, et al
I drive back and forth from Bakersfield to the Bay area weekly
and try to arrange my travel so that I can listen to your show
the whole way. Monday I was listening to the discussion on male
member names and then towards the end you were talking about the
Match Game. I have a story that kind of links the two. My wife
was on the Match Game in the late 70's and had been winning a
few games and she always called on Richard Dawson for the final
big money Match. After one game she decided she was going to call
on Dick Martin instead because he was one of her favorites from
Laugh-In. So she was thinking of this as Gene Rayburn gave the
clue --- Bionic (Blank). He the asked her "Lori, who would
you like to pick to match Bionic" -- She immediately said
Dick. Being the innocent she was from Lakewood she stood there
dumbfounded as the whole crew burst into laughter. When she realized
that it came out Bionic Dick, she immediately lost all intelligence
and forgot anything that would match. She ended up saying Bionic
Dog, which of course didn't match and called on Richard the rest
of the time. That drive up and down I-5 is pretty boring, but
you guys help keep me awake. Keep up the good work. Hope you have
a good show tomorrow -- I'm driving home.
The Porn Recipe
Dear Bob & Tom & Kristi & Chiiiiiiiiiiick,
YOU GUYS ROCK! I heard you this morning speaking of the "Money
Shot" and the various fluids used. About 20 years ago, I
worked at an adult movie theater and had the privilege to meet
3 adult movie actresses - one of which was Samantha Fox. She was
the star of one of our feature presentations in which she pleasured
8 "sailors" simultaneously. I asked her how they could
possibly time this to work out for the cameras, and she gave me
the "recipe" for "movie c*m"...It consisted
of the following:
-Cremora (a non-dairy creamer)
-Egg whites
-Tapioca
Once the proper mixture was achieved, it was placed into basting
bulbs and distributed amongst the participants for an off-camera
blast-off! (She told me that under the hot lights after a few
minutes, it was as if they were cooking an omelet on her breasts!)
Just thought I'd share!
Jim
Spokane, WA
Posted Thursday, April 17
Computers Find Zany Funny
Bob, Tom, Chick, Kristi,
You guys rock!
I attend a large Midwest school, and I never thought this would
happen to me, but I must bring something very important to your
attention. I have a job that requires that our Internet be filtered
for content. Some of the many things that cause pages to be filtered
include: foul language, sex, chat, and humor. Things no normal
male can live without. I listen to the "Zany Report"
and "Fix a Joke," and I enjoy how you all like to give
Bob a hard time for his so called jokes/humor. As I mentioned
earlier, Internet sites can be filtered for viewing due to humor.
This brings me to the reason of this letter. If I try to call
up Bob Zany's website, I am unable to view it because it is filtered
due to "humor." But I can view your website without
it getting filtered. I guess this goes to show that although many
people don’t find Zany to be humorous, computers do…
go figure. This is something that needed to be called to your
attention, but PLEASE DO NOTHING TO YOUR WEBSITE TO MAKE THE FILTER
THINK WHAT YOU DO IS HUMOR. I would be devastated if I could get
to Zany's site but not to yours.
Posted Tuesday, April 15
In Search of Dildo
Dear Bob and Tom,
You guys inspired me to seek out the fishing village of Dildo,
Newfoundland on my recent trip to St. John's. It was a quaint
little place. The locals seemed suspicious though. I don't think
too many people seek this place out. I asked around, but no one
knew who Cap'n Dildo was. I'l shoot you some other pix.
Regards,
Mike Wigal
Posted Monday, April 14
The Rules Of Thong
Dear Bob, Tom, Chick and Kristi Lee... You Rock.
I was driving to work last week listening to your show as always,
and the topic of thongs came up. I was particularly interested
in hearing Kristi's point of view, as she is not a fan of "the
thong." Well, I wasn't either, until about 4 years ago. My
younger female cousin got me started. She wondered why I messed
around with regular underwear. I was equally as baffled. How she
could walk around all day wearing a thong? Then one day, for my
birthday, she sent me my very first pair of thong underwear. She
told me I would thank her someday. She was right. Once you get
over the "I-have-a-constant-wedgy" feeling, (which takes
about 3 times wearing them) the beauty of the thong begins to
prevail. Panty lines? GONE. "Getting dressed" frustration??
Gone. And let me tell you, if you have a bit of cellulite that
may hang and jiggle, get over it. Trying to wrap that fat in regular
underwear just makes it worse, as the elastic digs into the skin
therefore revealing the unsightly panty lines. However ladies,
there is some THONG ETIQUETTE that must be clarified. This is
very important so listen closely.
1. Get thongs that fit properly. Do not buy the cheap ones at
Wal-Mart. I am not endorsing any particular brand, but you get
what you pay for. They don't call VS models "angels"
by accident.
2. Do not, under any circumstances, purposely let the top of the
thong stick out from whatever it is you are wearing. This is cheap
and slutty. You do not need to advertise that you are wearing
a thong. The natural view of your nice, shapely behind is evidence
enough. Additional tip - you can buy "low-rise" thongs
if you are wearing low-cut or low-rise pants. This way the tags
are not hanging out for everyone to see. If your pants are lower
cut than that, FORGO the underwear all together.
3. Finally, in closing... It doesn't matter if you are model-thin,
average, or chubby, thongs come in all sizes and can benefit every
woman out there.
Thank you, Bob and Tom, and a special thanks to my cousin.
The Star Wars Connection
Dear Bob and Tom,
Your Show and Star Wars is all i really have in life, you and
Tom are like Luke Skywalker and Han Solo, Kristi is like Princess
Leia and Then you got Chick, he is more like Jabba The Hutt, I
tune in to your show on the way from work and i hear him grunting,
aka laughing ( i guess ) in the background, I mean Jabba thinks
he is a pimp and so does Chick, but I never heard of any of them
getting any, Well i mean besides Sheep and Bantha Poodoo , just
kidding you guys rock.
Posted Thursday, April 10
Super Hot Prostate
Hi You guys rock
You reported how it is a benefit to heat one’s testicles
to prevent pregnancy. Years back I suffered from a chronic prostrate
gland infection. After four or five years my doctor suggested
I try to go to Switzerland to a special clinic. They would use
a probe with a special laser that would heat the prostate to 120
degrees, which would do away with the infection. Unlike my doctor,
I was not making several hundred thousand dollars a year, so I
couldn't afford to go to Switzerland. I got this crazy idea of
giving myself an enema with 120 degree water instead. Not smart.
I got rid of the infection but I scalded my rectum. My testes
didn't feel all that good either. It's no fun to burn where the
sun don't shine.
Ralph from Ohio
Winning Them Over Early
Dear Bob and Tom,
I'm Claire, an 8th grader at Byron High School in Minnesota. I
just wanted to let you know that I love your show and I try to
listen to it whenever I get a chance to. Since I have to go to
school early, I don't always get a chance to listen, but if we
ever have a day off I spend the morning listening to you guys
and laughing my head off. Thanks for having such a funny show;
it makes my day a whole lot better! Your fan,
Claire
Posted Friday, April 4
Laughter is the Best Medicine
Dear Bob and Tom,
They say that laughter is the best medicine. You be the judge.
I'm recovering from major surgery, and I'm sporting a "zipper"
that's over a foot long on my belly. (The staples come out next
Tuesday.) Last night I couldn't sleep, so I thought of Bob &
Tom and logged in to catch the previous morning's show, which
I had missed. My wife and I often listen to the show using the
Web Tablet that we keep in the bedroom. I was doing OK until the
"Twisticles" call. I thought I would make it to the
commercial break when I heard Chick's voice, "...Rrrr...get
in there...", and burst into uncontrollable laughter. My
staples nearly gave way as I screamed and laughed. "Turn
it OFF! Turn it OFF,” I yelled to my wife. "HOW?!?"
She asked, torn between concern for me and amusement at my predicament.
"Push the BUTTON!" "Which one?" "ALL
OF THEM!!!" The sound mercifully ceased and I spent the next
few minutes hugging a pillow to my abdomen as I alternately whimpered
and giggled. Please reduce your humor by 50% during my convalescence.
Thanks.
Dave G.
Another Tom
Dear Bob and Tom,
Brother Tom, I too am a fellow idiot who has driven off with the
gas nozzle still in my vehicle, not once but on two separate occasions.
The first time it ripped the nozzle off of the hose costing me
$35. Years later on my second 'occasion', I found they have updated
the hoses to have a safety breakaway hose that can be re-attached
costing us idiots nothing. I now repeat the mantra - I'm removing
the hose, I'm removing the hose when I remove the hose. If I skip
this critical step of tank filling, I almost have a heart attack
when I hit the gas pedal to drive away.
Kevin - Terre Haute
Posted Tuesday, April 1
Secret Fantasies
Dear Bob and Tom,
After a half a bottle of tequila the other night, my fiancé
and I were in bed and confessing some fantasies that we each have.
I thought that this might lead to trouble, so I didn't want to
play, but after much badgering I had no choice. Unfortunately,
to my utter dismay, my fiancé admitted that Chick was her
celebrity crush, and wanted to do things with him that cannot
be mentioned on your program. What does this say about my choice
in women?
A Concerned Listener
Rome Is the Voice in My Head
Dear Bob and Tom:
I am a forester for a private logging company in the Upper Peninsula
of Michigan (I first got hooked on your show while I was working
below the bridge in the Petoskey/Harbor Springs area). A few weeks
back you had Frank Caliendo on your program doing his various
impressions and the one he does for Jim Rome has stuck with me
ever since. I was listening to that particular program on the
morning before I had to go and set up an 80-acre property for
a timber harvest.
While running property lines Jim Rome was in my head saying "That
is a great property line", "That property line does
not suck"
While examining a map of the area Jim piped in "Some one
just handed me a map...the map is blank..."
While watching a harvesting machine cut a tree Jim commented,
"That is a great tree...tall, straight, that tree does not
suck"
This is only the tip of the iceberg and I feel I may be losing
it, do you know of any remedies I could try?
Eric
Hottie Singing Camel Toe
Hey Guys,
I'm sure you have been listing to the radio at some point and
looked in the car next to you just to see someone singing along
to the same song you happen to be listing to. That happened to
me today. While at a stoplight I looked over and saw a woman singing
along to the Camel Toe song. I lost it! She was all alone and
knew every word! Just after the 2nd "bearded clam" part
she noticed that I was laughing at her, she got completely red
and stopped singing immediately. BTW: she was HOT!
Allen R
Orange Barrels
Dear Bob and Tom,
This morning, as usual, I was driving and listening to the show
on Nashville's 1029 "the Buzz." While driving with a
concrete construct wall on my right and Tennessee's state flower
"the orange barrel" on my left, Kristi Lee was reading
a news story about the "seeing eye shoes." As you guys
were
Discussing this story I was laughing to the point of tears. In
fact it was so hysterical I clipped one of those orange barrels
(much better than clipping the Concrete wall). I then saw two
things in my rearview mirror: the barrel in the median and blue
lights behind me. When I explained to the cop that I was listening
and laughing at the Bob and Tom show he smiled and said "Ya,
those guys rock." He then told me to drive a little safer
and have a good day. No ticket!
Thanks and you guys rock,
Terry
Posted Monday, March 31
Always in Front of Grandma
Dear Bob & Tom
I've been a listener since you guys started on our local station
WOUR in Utica, NY Often times I'll be listening while running
errands with my sons in the car. I never thought they paid too
much attention until this past weekend. The family was on the
way to Grammas house and we were listening to an oldies station.
The Beach Boy's song "Kokomo" came on. I kinda snickered
to myself, but said nothing. However one of my boys shouted out
"hey those guy's stole the Camel Toe Song, then proceeded
to try and sing along. I immediately got "THE LOOK"
full force from my wife along with the usual "what are you
teaching these kids". I hadn't known that they've been listening
to you every morning on the school bus with their Walkman radios.
I tried to defuse the situation with a bunch of lame excuses to
no avail and realizing that any hope of civility was gone for
the foreseeable future, I kept quite hoping it would eventually
blow over. By the way… the very next song on the oldies station
was "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" by Diamond and Striesand.
You wouldn't happen to have a spare room, would you?
Rick Carman
I Did It Drew's Way
Dear Bob & Tom
I was at your site and I noticed the ad for Drew Hastings, which
reminded me about the one and only time I saw him. I had made
an Internet date with what appeared to be this fairly attractive
redhead. She wanted to go see Drew for our first date and claimed
to know him. Plus we could meet her co-workers at the pre-show
party at the bar next door. This is where it starts to get weird.
I go to pick her up and find out two things: she's wears a ton
of make-up and she has an ass bigger than a Humvee. As the boys
in Barbershop said this was a woman with a big ass not a big ass
woman. She tells me that if any of her co-workers ask tell them
we've been dating for three months. Now I'm starting to get nervous.
We go to the pre-show party and she is all over me, sitting with
her leg in my lap and rubbing me all over. When we meet Drew I
can't tell if he does know her and doesn't want to admit it or
doesn't want to know her. Either way it's rather pathetic watching
her try to get some kind of acknowledgement out of Drew. Anyway,
we watch the show where she continues to rub all over me but at
least starts talking about how I'll get "lucky" later.
I take her home after the show; she invites me in and then proceeds
to show me that Linda Lovelace was an amateur. Yeah I let the
fat chick do me but I figured Drew would've wanted it that way.
Frank
Cincinnati, OH
Posted Friday, March 28
Camel Tank
Bob and Tom,
Hello from Kuwait. A group of us out here were faithful listeners
at Fort
Campbell, KY before we got deployed. Our favorite part of the
day was when
we would hear your 'camel toe' song. We miss hearing you each
morning now. A buddy and myself were walking around and found
a M1 tank that made us thing of you guys immediately. I am sending
you a picture and hope you enjoy it.
Sincerely,
SGT Travis A. Smith
Dating with Ned Beatty
Dear Bob & Tom
I have been listening to your show now for almost 3 years, and
I love it. You all sound like real people, not some politically
correct spineless @$$ hole. Anyway I just wanted to thank you
for talking about the movie the deliverance last year. Being born
in 1979, I had no idea about this movie until you kept referring
to it on your show. So I went out and bought it so I could get
some of your jokes. Although I didn't find it to be one of my
favorite movies, my boyfriend absolutely hated me for even bringing
it home. So now all I have to do is hum the first few notes of
dueling banjos and he loses it. It's great!!!!!!
Love your show-
Lila in Cave Junction Oregon.
Making Mornings Fun
Gooood morning Bob and Tom.
I'm an aerospace designer form Port St. Lucie, Fl. My commute
is a little over 45 minutes one way, Before your show came on
down here I was "longing for the relief that death would
bring" Now at least my mornings seem to fly by. My son who
is a MP in the Army will soon be deployed to Iraq, We're both
huge fans of your show....Thanks for the humor and in Chick's
case thanks for the effort. "YOU GUYS ROCK"
Thanks Rick T.
P.S. Love Kristi!
Posted Thursday, March 27
Bob & His Brother Tom
Bob, Tom, Chick, Kristi--
You guys rock!!
A few days ago, my kids (2 and 4) were watching a preview of a
new Bob the Builder video where Bob and his brother Tom visit
for the holidays. My husband and I are long time listeners and
found this to me mildly amusing. We even commented on the names.
The next day, my 2-year-old daughter turned on the radio and I
told her we could not listen to Bob and Tom. She then informed
me "it's Bob the Builder" and his brother Tom. She also
calls Christy, Wendy (from the video). Every morning, she insists
on listening to "Bob the Builder" and even takes the
cassettes out of the glove box. The "Bob and Tom" logo
is "Bob the Builder" to her!!
Thanks guys--I'm waiting for her to repeat something from your
show to Grandma. (Grandma, what's a prison bitch?)
Terry
A Long Distance Thanks
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am instructor here on the base for units that are deploying
overseas. I had found since I Ave been here to listen to your
show more and more everyday. When I have a moment that causes
me to bitch at my soldiers. I turn around and walk out to listen
to your show. My favorite moment of the day is when you guys play
the "Camel Toe" Song. It’s been a big hit with
the male soldiers I train with. But I do want to say thank you
for the entertainment and support that your show and the station
that carries you guys. Please keep up the fun and the entertainment
to divert our attention for moments time.
SFC Pesquera
Posted Monday, March 24
More on
Steak & BJ Day
Why haven't we heard more about
the Steak & BJ Day coming up? It is on the 20th of March right?
I just want to be prepared. (My man ain't get'n nothin but a burger
and a hand job).... Steak and BJ my ass...
Nikki in Il.
Posted Friday, March 14
Toby Keith's Bus Songs Live on Stage
Dear Bob, Tom, Chick and Kristi
I attended the Toby Keith concert last night with my wife and
8-year-old son. I always imagined your show had a tremendous effect
on people's lives, but got to see it first hand last night. At
one point in the concert, Toby and Scott Emerick walked to the
front of the stage as the rest of the band took a break. After
a humorous lead-in, the infamous "BUS SONGS" were played
live and in concert. First, “Taliban. Baby” and then
he played a wonderful version of "I'll Never Smoke Weed With
Willie again". You would not believe the number of people
singing along with BOTH of the songs. Our seats were to the side
of the stage where we had a wonderful view of the bulk of the
audience singing along with him. Because these songs have never
been recorded (for obvious reasons), there was no doubt where
people had learned the lyrics! After the concert, people were
calling in the radio station (not the one where your show is broadcast)
talking about the concert. People's favorite song of the evening
seemed to be a tie between "Courtesy of the Red, White, and
Blue" and as most called it...."the pot smokin' song
about Willie".
Impressed....
Scott
Hiking up the Nipple
Bob, Tom, Kristi, and CHIIIIIIIICK,
First off, great show you guys rock! This morning you were
questioning Mary's Nipple at Grand Targhee resort. I was there
two weeks ago with a group of friends and we made countless
jokes about the name. I think you covered all of them, and
then some. Anyway, Grand Targhee is located in Alta, WY, not
to be confused with the resort Alta in UT. We were confused
by this too so I thought I would share the knowledge. It is
pretty disappointing that they are changing the name of the
peak. On our long hike up the nipple we amused ourselves by
making jokes about the name, which helped make the hike more
tolerable. I guess future backcountry skiers won't be able
to benefit from the humorous name.
Andy
Posted Tuesday, March 11
When Tom Wins, We All Win
Bob & Tom,
Since Tom is always riding Chick's ass about sports because of
how boring it is, why don't you set up a sporting event to take
care of the problem. Tom and Chick can compete in a game of horse
or bowling or maybe set up a pool game at Tom's house. If Chick
wins, Tom has to do sports for a week, but if Tom wins, we all
win, because NO ONE does sports for an entire week. Tom needs
to do this for all of us... he'll have an entire country behind
him. Thanks,
Jeff
A Military Thanks
Dear Bob and Tom,
I would like to thank you for the program this morning for our
soldiers overseas. Just a few hours south of you, our guys in
the 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault) have left. They listen
to you on 97.5 "The Rock" here in Clarksville Tennessee.
I am a retired Staff Sergeant who served during Desert Storm.
Being away from home and hearing something positive and humorous helps
calm the fears and uncertainties. I thought you guys did a great
job this morning. Again, Thank you for the program. You
guys ROCK!
Andrew
Staff Sergeant Retired
Posted Wednesday, March 5
Deciding Between Your Job and the Show
Bob and Tom,
I have been listening to the show for about three years now, and
recently I realized that I am addicted. After working for Coca-Cola
as a swingman for two years, that particular plant closed and
I was forced into taking a job driving a truck. I was used to
listening to your show every morning and to my horror realized
that you are not on everywhere. I actually spent mornings going
through the radio dial one static filled station at a time, and
when I would come across the show (no matter how much was audible)
that's where it stayed. When I was running a familiar route and
knew I was leaving a receiving area, I would pull over and listen
until the show was over. A good or bad day was based on if I was
able to hear the show that day. I am a grown man with a family
and I knew I would have to kick this habit and go forth with my
job unshackled from your comic captivity. So this morning I quit
my job so I can find something local that leaves me home between
6:00am and 10:00am. My wife thinks it's so I can spend more time
with her. Isn't that sweet. My God, I am as pathetic as Chic.
For now, I will be filling out all my applications in my car and
running them in during commercials? Ed from OHIO
Posted Tuesday, March 04
Camel Toe Matchmaker
Dear Bob and Tom:
This morning as I was driving to work in Salt Lake City, I was
fortunate enough to hear the "Camel Toe" song. I've
heard the song enough times now that I can sing along and do the
song justice. As I was sitting at a stop light singing with all
the passion my heart could muster, I glanced over in the car next
to me and noticed a gorgeous redhead singing along with as much
passion as I was. As she looked over at me, we both started laughing,
rolled down the windows and met a couple blocks up the road at
a coffee shop. We now have a date for this coming weekend and
I think I'm in love. You Guys Rock!!! I never thought my first
conversation with a woman would center on the ol' "bearded
clam". Have you guys ever thought of adding a singles dating
service to your web site?
Your Faithful Listener,
Jim
Roomate Three-Way Triangle
Dear Bob and Tom;
My one experience with a threesome was a TOTAL bust! Two of my
male roommates and I decided to "get freaky" one day
after a little bit of a booze fest. I was really excited about
the prospects of a threesome with these two buff guys, but a really
big problem became self evident after only a few minutes of rolling
around on the bed: turns out that the guy I was interested in
was really interested in the other guy, who was interested in
me. This one-way interest on all of our parts put a limp ending
to our tryst, and having another one of our roommates arrive home
early didn't help much either. I'd never try it again....'
Greek Three-Way
Dear Bob and Tom,
I think you're underestimating the female listeners! I just graduated
from college where I lived in a sorority house with 50 other women.
Believe me, there was no shortage of willing 3-way participants
in that house!
Beth
Posted Thursday, February 27
Long Distance Dedication
Bob, Tom, Kristi & Chick,
I want to applaud you and all of your cohorts for the work you
do on the radio. I recently deployed to Kosovo with my reserve
unit and as part of my job I found myself hosting three different
radio shows each week. Two were interpreted into Albanian and
one in Serbian. Both shows were live, and due to all of my other
responsibilities, very little time was available to prepare for
the shows. It was quite nerve racking. Up to that point, I had
never had any radio experience what so ever. Through it all, I
have come to greatly admire the talent it takes to pull off a
show the way you guys do. Personally, I think I did a hell of
a good job, but I only had three 1 and 1/2 hour shows each week.
I have been a listener and fan for several years and will continue
to be. Keep up the great work.
Johnathan
Camel Toe Slippage
Dear Bob and Tom,
I thought I would share something funny from my day. I am a woman
who works in security at an airport in central Ohio. I don't have
to scan people's bags (or, god forbid, shoes) but I sit in an
office and monitor cameras and stuff like that. Part of my job
is to keep a written log of my activities during the day. This
morning, as I was making an entry in my log, which should have
been "camera check", I got half way through the word
"camera" when the Camel Toe song came on, and I inadvertently
wrote "camel toe" on my log. The best part about this
is that these logs are legal documents, so I can't scribble it
out or use white out on it... I had to leave the very legible
mistake on my paperwork with one line through it and my initials.
I have a feeling this will haunt me for a very long time, as I
am the only woman here, and I think almost everybody here listens
to Bob and Tom in the morning.
-Security Chick
An Observant Son
Dear Bob & Tom
I would like to say, "Thank you for making me pee down both
legs!" I am a new listener, and as you can tell, I LOVE YOUR
SHOW. It is so funny. The first time I heard the Camel Toe song,
I literally peed my pants. That song has become the mating call
for my boyfriend and me. Sometimes when you play the Camel Toe
song on your show, I call my boyfriend's voice-mail and record
part of it. He introduced me to your show knowing that I would
appreciate your wonderful sense of humor.
Seeing as how you like this kind of stuff… I have a story
for you. My boyfriend and I had an exquisite night of kinky sex.
He went home, and I got about 4 hours of sleep. My alarm went
off, and I turned the lights on. I then saw that my 7-year-old
son had apparently come into my bedroom while I was asleep, and
was sleeping at the foot of my bed. And I saw that in my post
orgasmic, Vodka induced state, I had not "cleaned up"
the night before. I was hoping my son would not notice, but he
doesn't miss a thing. My son was looking around with wide eyes
and said: "Mommy, why is there an extension cord tied to
your bed? Why are there handcuffs hooked to your bed? What is
this bottle of Ast-ro-glide for?" Well, I said what all wise
mothers say, "Go to your room right now!" Then I turned
on the Bob and Tom Show, and cleaned up the evidence. Thanks for
the entertainment!
Posted Thursday, February 20
Best Live Show Ever
Dear Bob, Tom, Chick, and Kristi
YOU GUYS REALLY ROCK!!!..
My fiancé has a terrible habit of nagging me about procrastinating,
CONSTANTLY. She says (whining)"It's the only thing you do
right on a regular bases". I still think she's overexaggerating.
But, with that said, I've been meaning to write since arriving
back in Omaha from seeing your show in St. Louis. The only arrangements
we had made were Your show and the hotel. Everything else we made-up
as we went along. Needless to say, we had such a great time filling
our extra time with all the places and people, we plan to visit
again, ASAP. Please give the biggest shout out to the city of
St. Louis, the rose theater, and especially all of the Bob and
Tom band. That was by far "THE BEST" live band, I have
ever heard. Austin hold on to your asses, this show is going to
blow your mind. Again, Thank you guys for pushing the edge, to
bring America the FUNNIEST damn morning show ever! And hey, I
wanna be Bob?
Andy Cimino
Tom's The Perfect Guy
Dear Bob and Tom,
My high school sweetheart and husband of 24 years recently admitted
to an affair with a coworker and asked me for a divorce. In
talking with my sister about the prospect of future dating, she
asked me what kind of man would interest me. I said he'd
have to be someone who never wanted to be married. I said
he'd have to like kids because I still have a 9 year old son at
home. I said he'd have to like animals because I wouldn't
trade my dog for anything. I said he couldn't be stupid
because I hate stupid people. I said I'd like someone more
worldly than myself. My sister laughed and said good luck!
Then today while listening to your show I realized that
Tom fit my criteria to a "T". Everything that
pisses him off pisses me off, and he likes kids and dogs. I couldn't
wait to call my sister. She laughed and laughed, but I didn't
see the humor. So Tom, my divorce should be final in April.
I'm 46 and attractive. If you find yourself needing
a date.....
Jenny
Posted Tuesday, January 21
Know Your Audience
Dear Bob & Tom
I am a 31-year-old (female) paralegal that lives and works in
Northern Michigan. A few weeks ago on my way to work I heard your
song “Enormous Penis,” and I thought that was almost
the funniest thing that I have ever heard. Well the song stuck
in my head all day. I was standing at our filing cabinet at work
singing (out loud without realizing it) “Enormous Penis”
just when my boss walked up behind me and said (with one eyebrow
raised) "is there something that I should know?" Mind
you he is one of those classical music type attorneys and did
not understand this at all. I had no way of talking my way out
of it so I just said BOB AND TOM this morning. He shook his head
and walked away. That was one of my more embarrassing moments.
Thanks Bob and Tom you guys ROCK!!!!
The Other Camel Toe
Hey Bob, Tom, Kristi, Chick,
I'm a frequent listener and a 12-year vice detective in a major
metro center in the SW US. For years, we in the business have
referred to a 'camel toe' as what a transvestite/transsexual/cross-dresser,
etc. impersonating a female has underneath it's skirt. Interestingly
enough, one of my buddies decided to take the shot in the chest
and marry a few months ago. Real nice gal and all, so we, being
his work colleagues, threw him the bachelor party. Quick word
of advice: never attend a bachelor party given by members of a
PD vice unit. Instead of a beautiful blonde female stripper, we
hired a "lady" that we'd busted sometime ago to dance
for ol' Mike. Mike's on the floor, Jasmine is dancing over him,
and let's just say the picture is worth a thousand words when
Jasmine's camel toe flopped down on Mike's chest.... Fortunately,
we had real strippers there to console him afterward.
Nick
Posted Tuesday, January 21
The
Sign
I received the attached, along with the following explanation,
from a "highly placed authority." Yes, this was actually
on display on I-43 a couple weeks ago. It was placed near the
scene of the 60 car accident in Sheboygan County when they were
repairing the area of highway. This picture shows the "censored"
version. Prior to the State Trooper arriving on scene and taking
the picture, the sign was fully functional, displaying all words
completely. Needless to say, dispatch got a few Cell 911 calls
from concerned motorists whose attention it attracted.
Posted Wednesday, January 15
Drunk Hunting
Dear Bob and Tom
I have a great story to tell. This is the reason you should not
get high and go hunting. A couple of years ago my cousin and I
wanted to go squirrel hunting, while we were sitting in a local
bar. So after closing the bar down we went home and talked about
where we were going to go. After a long time of discussion we
realized that it was 5:00 am and time to leave. So we got our
guns and started for the woods. I was still some what intoxicated
and decided what the hell lets smoke a big fatty. By the time
we got to the woods we were both so stoned we could not even see
straight. I decided I would take the high road and he would take
the low road after climbing a big hill I was tired and decided
to sit down. I then noticed my cousin climbing a similar hill,
and in my state of mind I thought it would be funny to see if
I could scare him. So I raised my 22 long rifle with a scope and
put the crosshairs about 2 inches above his head a squeezed the
trigger. I stopped laughing when I realized that I shot a whole
right through the top of his hat. He was not happy.
Sincerely,
Tim
In the Same Boat as Chick
Dear Chick,
I feel your pain. I've been meaning to send my sympathies since
this morning as I heard about your allowance on the way into work.
My wife manages the finances. Which is fine because I work long
hours and have a rather long commute. My wife insists that we
live on a lake for the serenity. She also insist we live out in
the country so that we can keep our horses at home. That is fine
because she has plenty of time to ride them, what with her working
every other week and having the house cleaner stop by to help
with the housework. But the economy is getting slow. Just the
other day when she went shopping she only came home with six pairs
of shoes (and only two blue pair). As you can tell money is tight.
Consequently, I'm limited to $20 a week in allowance. Not too
bad, since I only spend $17 a week on gas. That gives me $3 to
spend on my salvation, Power Ball tickets. Pray for me. Feel free
to use my name. My wife is sleeping anyway.
Tom
A Dollar A Day
Dear Bob & Tom, Kristi, Chiiiiiiiiiick,
You guys rock!
After listening to your show yesterday, I discovered that I was
not the only man with a tightwad wife. After 15 years of marriage,
I finally turned the finances over to my wife not realizing that
I will never see $20.00 at one time again. Like your listener
mentioned yesterday, I too get $5.00 a week but do not receive
it all in one time, but at $1.00 per day. She keeps giving me
a dollar every morning for lunch and says "Here! Get yourself
a big N Tasty" at McDonalds for lunch. The first week or
so, I didn't think too much about it, but it really started to
aggravate me. Not only is it one dollar a day, but now the woman
is telling me HOW to spend my dollar. The way I look at it, it's
MY dollar and I don't appreciate someone telling me how to spend
it. I may just want to save my dollar and get me a cheeseburger
AND a coke for the tomorrow. She does not know it yet, but her
financing our bills is going to stop soon. I am going to take
it back over and I look forward to eating normal again. I figure
she will still cook and clean...its not a bad deal.
Sincerely,
Poor and Hungry in Ohio
Posted Friday, January 10
We All Want to Be Bob
Dear Bob, Tom , Kristi, & Chick
Listening to the "I Wanna be Bob" song made me contemplate
my life and compare it to Bob's. Of these comparisons, which I
come up short on all counts, the most depressing is the vacation
comparison. I began to compile all the time off that Bob enjoys,
including the "working" vacations such as the Bahamas
week, Michigan resort week, 2 week Christmas-break, ECT. Is there
any way we listeners can get a complete tally on Bob's working
holidays and vacation time? I compared this to my 1 week per year
(no sick days, no personal days). I am truly depressed. I now
have to live vicariously through Bob just to survive!
Signed,
I Wanna be Bob
Posted Thursday, January 9
What's the Sound of No Hands Clapping?
Dear Bob and Tom,
I heard you guys today talking about the lady making some interesting
sounds without her hands.... I've got one for ya. When I was in
college at the University of Evansville, (IN) I worked on the
grounds crew in the summer doing crappy jobs in incredible heat.
One day three other students and I were picking weeds out of a
landscape bed in front of one of the dorms. We heard some clapping.
I looked up and around the corner of one of the buildings across
the street came running a lady, apparently wearing a flesh colored
leotard. As she came closer, we realized that that was not a shadow
between her legs and those were not her hands clapping. Her floppy
boobs were giving her all the applause she needed to make the
run. She came across the street and yelled to us, "Jesus
is coming! He's down by the river!!" She kept on running
toward the river and out of sight. About 15 minutes later, 3 white
Ford Taurus sedans came driving up, full of guys in white coats
and security uniforms. The four of us, as if in a movie, pointed
to the left and said "That way." The cars zoomed off
toward the river. She had run about 3 miles from the Evansville
State Hospital, where the mentally challenged reside. It was the
best day of work that summer.
Dan
Defending Our Men in Blue
Dear Bob & Tom
I work for the Postal Service and I listen to your show at work
(out of Chico CA 93.9) I am not a letter carrier, but I work
in the back as a distribution clerk. I sort the mail and give
it to the carriers. I am in total agreement regarding going
to an even price for stamps as it just makes more sense (not
cents). The problem is that Congress will only let us make small
changes in the price of postage. It's a bizarre situation, we
are governed by Congress, yet receive no money from the government
(i.e. taxes). Our money is made from postage and ancillary sales
such as P.O. Box rentals. The Postal Service is not allowed
to make a profit at all. We are obligated, again by Congress,
to break even every year. Regarding the vending machines, I'm
a back up for them at my office, and all I can say is that I
think they suck.
Keep up the good work. You guys Rock!!!
Rick
Posted Friday, January 3
 Casket
on a Stick
Dear Bob & Tom
It is true that we here in East Texas have many wonderful things:
The Fireant Festival, and the Yamboree, but as your e-mail from
a fellow East Texan said yesterday; Longview is the home of the
infamous "Casket on a Stick " funeral home! I thought
you would enjoy seeing this "landmark" for yourselves!
We love you here in The Piney Woods and our day just doesn't start
out right, without you guys in the morning.
Tina H.
Oh yeah "You Guys Rock "
We Dig the Scoopers
Dear Bob and Tom,
I am from Sturgis South Dakota, Home of the Sturgis Motorcycle
Rally. You would think that we would have some cool nickname related
to motorcycles, however that is not the case. Our nickname is
actually the Sturgis Scoopers. You can imagine what opposing schools
did with that. Our mascot was a big guy with a shovel. There is
a school close to us called the Newell Irrigators because as you
know, there is nothing scarier than an irrigator. I have no idea
what their mascot is but it would only make sense to be a big
piece of pipe.
Thanks.
Jamie V.
Sturgis, SD
The Stiff Quilt
Dear Bob and Tom,
I heard you talking about funny funeral situations today and I
thought I'd tell you about the one I just encountered. First off
I need to tell you that one of my wife's aunts made a "Christmas
quilt" this year that she wanted one person to sleep under
on Christmas night. My wife's grandfather was to be the first
person to sleep under it this year. Well, he goes off to Texas
after thanksgiving for the winter (we are from Michigan) and takes
the quilt with him. Come the Saturday before Christmas he passed
away. So when he placed in the coffin at the funeral home they
put the quilt over him to be under on Christmas night. We had
the funeral the next day at 2:30 in the afternoon, went to the
burial site for the service and left. At about 8:30 that night
the funeral home brought all the flowers to my in-laws house where
we were staying. Shortly after they left my mother-in-law says,
"They forgot the quilt!" We call the funeral home and
sure enough they buried it with my wife's grandfather. BUT, they
say no problem they'll get it back the next day, which they do.
The funny thing is, someone is supposed to sleep under the quilt
this year after it's been buried with a dead man and dug up a
day later. I don't think I'm going to volunteer any time soon.
Chris
Posted Thursday, January 2
Have Bob & Tom At Your Next party
Dear Bob and Tom,
Thanks a whole lot for ruining my 30th birthday! I had an intimate
evening planned with ten of my closest friends and three of the
hottest strippers I've ever seen. That's a damn good ratio! We
were at a friends house when the girls arrived. My friend turned
on his stereo for some appropriate music to set the mood, but
what do we hear? The Bob and Tom CD, You
Guys Rock! Once the comedy started it wouldn't stop. Everyone
loved both discs, including the strippers, who thanked me for
the best party they've ever performed at. They said this as they
left, right after the album ended. No dancing, No stripping! I
love your show, but not when there are more important things going
on. Once again, Thanks for ruining my birthday.
Keep up the comedy,
Dale Swanson
Posted Thursday, December 12
Big Sweetie
Dear Bob, Tom, Kristi and Chick,
You guys Rock!!!
My Husband and I are avid listeners of your show. When we get
home from work the conversation at the dinner table usually starts
with, "Were you listening to Bob and Tom this morning when..."
We are also animal lovers with 3 yellow labs. After we heard Chick
do his animal voice it just automatically slipped into our vocabulary
when talking to our dogs. When they hear, "Ya big Sweetie"
they just about come unglued wiggling and wagging their tails.
I think Chick ought to market that animal voice. I'll tell you
why. My Husband drives roll-off truck for a major waste management
company. The other day he was making a pick up at a business and
when he got out of the truck there was a black lab and a yellow
lab in the garage sitting on a mattress not chained. They immediately
started barking and the fir on their backs began to stand up.
My husband stopped in his tracks, turned to the dogs as they continued
to bark and said, "YA BIG SWEETIES". The dogs stopped,
cocked their heads looked at him for a few seconds, and then came
unglued as ours do wiggling and wagging their tails.
Thanks Chick for saving my husbands skin.
Jeannine
 Grandma
Bud
Hi Guys and Kristi
You have made Grandma Bud's day! Her kids, grandkids and great
grandkids are amazed that Grandma Bud is on the Internet. All
of her radios (bedroom, kitchen, sewing room and car) are set
to listen to your show. God help anyone thatchanges that station.
One of her grandson's has given the picture from your web site
to her undertaker (Yes, her undertaker) to be set out when she
passes on the destination unknown. Grandma Bud has had lots of
friends from town call her, letting her know that they saw her
picture. You have a large following here in Marshall, MI
Sincerely,
Grandma Bud's Daughter
Higher Education
This letter is from a concerned parent in Adrian, MI. I thought
that you would like to know that that Heywood's song eighteen
wheels on a big rig is being taught to 4th grader's so that they
could learn roman numerals. I was shocked when my daughter came
home a few weeks ago and told me. She was the only child in her
class that knew who Heywood was. Tonight my other daughter who
is in middle school came home and said kids are walking around
singing the song toast and writing toast on their hands. What
is this world coming to!!! As it turns out my daughter is now
taking my Heywood CDs to school to listen to at lunch.
Keep up the great work!
A Doctor's Best Christmas
YOU GUYS ROCK!
The other day, I was away from home at a conference. I'm not sure
what prompted it, but a discussion started about the worst Christmas
gifts ever received. Being a physician, I couldn't wait to see
what some of my colleagues thought were the worst Christmas gifts.
I heard golf clubs, car parts, and a few other practical, but
unthoughtful gifts. So then it comes to me and I simply turned
and said, "One year, my husband bought me an EPI - LADY (A
very painful hair removal system) and said 'I thought this would
be easier than your bikini wax!' He got in severe trouble that
night. But then on Christmas morning, I found a set of spatulas
in my stocking. He said, 'I thought you needed new ones.'"
The doctors all started laughing but my next comment was "My
worst Christmas gift to him was divorce papers in his stocking!
It's the gift that keeps on giving - you know, writing me that
huge alimony check EVERY MONTH." Suddenly, the laughter stopped.
I guess understood.
Thanks
Dr. C
Posted Wednesday, December 11
The Office Party
Dear Bob & Tom,
At one company Christmas party about 5 years ago, we had an open
bar and a DJ playing music for everyone to dance. Since it was
easier to keep your drink with you, most people took theirs out
on the dance floor, and with the spillage, it became a bit slick.
One young lady, wearing a short skirt, slipped and fell on her
backside, legs in the air. You could hear the head of every man
in the place whip over to see her, because in this position, it
was east to see that this young woman was not wearing panties.
That raised everyone’s Christmas spirit. The real capper
on the evening though was when another woman, of blessed womanly
attributes, sat on our very Mormon boss' lap and planted a very
wet kiss - in front of his wife. Needless to say, there was never
an open bar at the Christmas party again.
Have a great holiday,
Dave from Northern California
Lauging and the Law
I’m a Police Officer in Southeast Missouri. I listen to your
show every morning and you guys really help me get me going. I
had a funny thing and not so funny thing happen to me today. While
listening to your show I stopped a person for speeding. I was
in my car writing out the ticket when you guys told a funny joke.
I began to laugh and I looked up and the person I had stopped
was standing at my window and went off on me. He thought I was
laughing about him getting the ticket. I tried to explain but
I he didn't want to listen. He went straight up to my department
and filed a complaint on me. I explained to my sergeant of what
had happened. From now on, I am to turn down the radio while writing
tickets. Thanks a lot.
Posted Monday, December 1
A Job Well Done
Dear Bob & Tom,
I work in a Government lab. One of my coworkers has recently complained
because I like to listen to your show in the morning. She told
our supervisor that she was offended...keep up the good work!!
Jack C.
Living Single... Not Really
Dear Bob and Tom,
A couple weeks back, I heard you joking with Chick about how he
and his wife sleep in separate rooms. I wanted to let Chick know
that he is on the right track, but needs to continue to develop
his living situation. My wife and I also began sleeping separately
a few years ago, mainly because we both like sleeping in our own
beds. About two years ago, it became like an addiction - I wanted
more. So, I began construction in the basement and added a bedroom,
kitchen, and bathroom in what was once storage. This area of the
house was then called "Manland." However, it was just
too easy for my wife to come down the stairs and enter into my
domain. So, I have become a territorial junkie and just finished
building a duplex here in Billings, Montana. My wife has her side
and I have mine. Her's is very feminine and decorated. Mine has
a TV, recliner, stereo, and fridge stocked with beer. Chick...you
need to expand your horizons, think bigger. This way, you get
what every married man wants... your own space to get away from
your wife and a 10 second walk next door to get laid once a year.
Posted Tuesday, November 26
A Woman of the 90's, Today
Dear Bob and Tom
A few nights ago I was out on a date, everything was going fine
until we reached the restaurant and I opened the door for my
date, evidently this was a mistake, I received an ass chewing
about how she was an independent women and she could open her
own door, I thought this was odd since both my mother and grand
mother taught me lessons about manners, opening doors, taking
coats, and being nice. I don't know if they where what you would
call "an independent women", they both had jobs as
a nurse and a schoolteacher, they also did a full days work
on the farm almost everyday. Could it be that they where playing
a life long joke on me? Dinner went on as dinner will go everything
was fine until the check arrived, I couldn't help to notice
that she ordered a rather expensive dish and only ate 1/3 of
it, no matter I figured she would at least pay for her half
and maybe even mine since she was so "independent"
At this point I was afraid to reach for the check not wanting
another bitch fest. After a few minutes went past she piped
in with, If you expect me to pay for that don't expect anything
after dinner, like a fool I opened my idiot hole and said "Gee
I wonder what that would make you" Evidently this is something
one does not say. In hindsight I should have paid the bill and
taken her home and gotten my moneys worth, instead I wore my
water home and she took a cab to where ever. Oddly enough I
still had to pay the bill?
Dan
Posted Wednesday, November 20
Good bye, my love
My wife, who has two Doctoral
degrees in Chem. and Computer Science, and now works on the drug
& alcohol council, decided that after 10 years together she
needed to say, " I'm not happy I'm leaving you for someone
else.” So I’m heartbroken and all, but then here come
the papers. Boy, nothing cures a broken heart like a set of divorce
papers. Lucky for me the judge saw through all her crap and told
her that she had plenty and with all that school, she could easily
go get a good job. The times they are a changing. I got the house,
one of the cars, and my boat, and she and her new boyfriend (Johnny
it turns out is the fry cook at the treatment center where she
works) live downtown in a swell apartment. Now I’ve sold
the big house, paid off all the old bills and have discovered
that its ok to go out to dinner, go to the club and have a great
time, and sit and talk with a pretty girl. Even with cranberry
juice at $95.00 a gallon and $20.00 every 3 minutes its still
cheaper than my ex.
Dave R
Posted Monday, November 18
How's My Driving?
You guys rock!
Chick, you just about made me wreck my semi on Friday when you
mentioned that Tom's Valentine’s candle scent was a pussy
purchase. I laughed so hard I ran one side off the shoulder of
the road. You should put a disclaimer at the beginning of the
show about driving and listening. It can be hazardous to your
health!!!!
Dave W.
Jesus in the Bedroom
Dear Bob & Tom
I was listening Friday morning, and heard the bit about wearing
a helmet while, you know, doing the deed. I have a story for you
that relates. I was engaged to a man who spent the weekend with
me at my parent's house. We stayed in my old room, complete with
all my wannabe hippie crap still in it. Among these treasures,
was a black candle bust of Jesus, about a foot high and weighing
lord knows how much. It sat on the headboard of my bed. Well,
while doing it the “old man-on-top-get-it-over-with-quick”
way, and trying to be quiet about it, I recall seeing thru half
closed eyes, this Jesus bust above me, but didn't give Him a second
thought. The next thing I know, the bed is rockin’ and Jesus
is topplin', and yes, he smacked me right between the eyes. It's
true, one really DOES see stars! I know I yelled SOMETHING (probably
“Jesus Christ!”) and recall being blinded, and feeling
warm stickiness streaming down my face. I managed to stagger to
my feet and yep, the Lord had busted my forehead wide open. I
ended up in the ER, took 15 stitches and had to endure a few snide
remarks when folks found out how it had happened. The next morning
at breakfast, my Mom, bless her heart, looks me in the eye, and
with that deadpan way she had, said, " Well, let that be
a lesson to you, doing your business right in front of Jesus is
NOT a good idea." life's just jam packed with lessons, ain't
it?
Renee T
What You'll Do For Love
Hey Bob and Tom!!!
Several year ago, all four of my sisters brought their new boyfriends
home to meet the family and for Thanksgiving dinner. They seemed
a little nervous being around a large, noisy family. We joked
with them that my mother's cooking was terrible, and that she
was very self-conscientious about it. So they all agreed to appease
my mother with compliments about her cooking. Well, before dinner,
my mother pulled the pumpkin pies out of the oven, and you needed
a ladle to drink them. The pies were pumpkin soup. My mother was
baffled as to why the pies did not harden, but the boyfriends
still complimented her crust. When we all sat down for dinner,
my father got the turkey out of the oven, and it looked golden
and beautiful. But when he started to carve the turkey, his knife
stopped about an inch in. We looked closer and saw that the turkey
was completely frozen in the middle. We were all dumbfounded about
what to do, until all the new boyfriends commented that they all
like their turkey underdone. My father told them it was useless
to eat, but they all insisted that they wanted a slice. So my
father carved off what he could, and these four guys choked it
down. Later, my mother checked the oven, and realized that the
heating filament had burned in half. Three out of the four guys
married my sisters. We had to give them credit for trying so hard...
A Song For Granny
You Guys Rock!
Due to family commitments we had an early thanksgiving this year.
Shortly before dinner was ready my 79-year-old grandmother said
to my 4-year-old son, "Why don't you sing great granny a
song?" Like any good boy he stood on the coffee table and
belted out those magic words "Blow me a kiss before you leave
me honey." My three year old son screamed from the next room
"Blow me a kiss good bye". Fortunately for me it went
over Grandma's head but my dad looked at me and said "Your
wife wants to see you in the kitchen." I guess that on the
ride to the baby sitter's house I won't be able to listen to the
"news" any more.
Where Have You Been?
Dear Bob and Tom.
Oh thank you, thank you, and thank you again!!! It has been a
while since I checked out your website. I moved to the Dallas
area on Oct. 6 and was very dismayed to discover that I couldn't
hear you on the local airwaves. I was accustomed to listening
to you on the Boise station and before that on the one in Peru,
IL. I have been going through Bob and Tom withdrawals. It has
been terrible, as I am a Bob and Tom junky!!!! And there has been
no sign of a rehab center for this in this area. Well, this morning,
much to my delight, I discovered that not only can I once again
hear your show, but I can also view you live!!! Once again I can
get my daily fix! I am once again in junky heaven. Please don't
ever leave me again. I need you guys. You guys rock!!!!!!
Edie
Posted Friday, November 15
All I Want For Christmas is a Stick
I want to thank you guys for introducing my kids to a great new
Christmas song. I am a truck driver who often takes my kids to
work with me. I also listen to you guys every morning. I promised
my wife I wouldn’t listen to ya'll if the kids are in my
truck. However, It seems they only want to go if they can listen
to you. I am a guy who would never deny his kids, anything, so
the other week they heard the dear Santa song. Now when asked
what they want for Christmas, they say the regular crap…
toys and stuff. Followed quickly by " Just kidding I want
a stick." Thanks for helping to prove to my wife that your
show is educational and teaches kids that material objects are
not everything. You Guys Rock!
Wayne
Bedford, Pa
Dad's Tree
Dear Bob & Tom
One year, as a child, for whatever reason, we decided to put our
tree up right after Thanksgiving. My parents talked about it over
dinner, and decided we would do it the next day. My Dad, thinking
he was really being "the man," decided to take off work,
do it himself, and have it all ready when everyone came home.
Instead of going to a tree farm or the Boy Scout sale, he decided
to go into the woods and cut one himself. Well, he cut a cedar
tree, and if you have ever seen one, they look nice, but the limbs
are very flimsy. The tree was about four feet at the base, and
about eight feet tall. He went as far as to hang all the lights,
the ornaments (antiques, the passed down for years kind, that
weigh a lot), and his four foot diameter tree turned to twelve.
This is where the fun begins. My Mom came home, saw the tree,
and went ballistic. The fight was on. After at least two hours
of nagging and bitching about his "hideous" tree, my
Dad, calm as can be, went and opened the back door. He calmly
walked to the tree, grabbed it by the base, then ran like an Olympic
athlete towards the door. He hurled the tree, still full of antique
ornaments and lights into the yard. Maybe one ornament survived.
He said, "get your own damn tree then, I'm done for this
year." A couple of days later, Mom bought an artificial tree,
and still uses it now. This has never been brought up since that
day, 20+ years later, and I think it would probably start a fight
if did.
Kelly Higgins
Nashville, TN
|
