Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."

Submitted by David Watson
Thursday, July 2, 2009

Two women who both owned dogs were arguing about which dog was smarter.
First woman: "My dog is so smart! Every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.
Second woman: "I know."
First woman: "How?"
Second woman: "My dog told me."

Submitted by Ken G.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Mrs Smith who was 97, went to the Dr for an exam. The Dr told her."Your in excellent shape for 97..do you still have Intercourse"?
She told the Dr.."Wait a second, I'll be right back.."
She went to the waiting room to ask her Husband....he was in the waiting room replacing his hearing aid..
She yelled across the room.."Harvey..do we still have Intercourse.."?
He looked at her and yelled back..
"If I told you once, I told you a million times..we have Blue Cross.."

Submitted by Joe Pizzimenti
Tuesday, June 30, 2009

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Submitted by Sadie Carl
Monday, June 29, 2009

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

Submitted by Bonnie Bruner
Thursday, June 25, 2009

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:
'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and
goodbye Grandpa.'
The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.'
The next day the grandmother died.
'Holy smokes' thought the father, 'this kid is in contact with the other side.'
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'
He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'
She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!'

Submitted by Bill Hall
Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this Way: 'The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I Accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... And I couldn't shut up. '

Submitted by Nick Sterio
Monday, June 22, 2009

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired Biker in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Biker and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old Biker replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way..."

Submitted by Jerry Bilkre
Friday, June 19, 2009

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" Asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."

Submitted by Andy Lang
Thursday, June 18, 2009

A woman went to the doctor, who examined her.
He said, “You have a bad back.”
The woman said, “I want a second opinion.”
The doctor said, “All right! You’re ugly as well.”

Submitted by Ken G.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.
"Marian, Marian"
|"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, and then it's off to the golf course... I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun, and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens), another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then the next day, it starts all over again."
"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly . . . I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Tucson."

Submitted by Sumonka
Tuesday, June 16, 2009

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.
A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."
The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"
The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

Submitted by Nathan Boyer
Monday, June 15, 2009

Bad Joke Friday

Q - What do you call a nude beach full of women?
A - Clam bake

Q - Do you know what a lesbian calls that same beach?
A - All you can eat clam bake

Submitted by Jawrsh
Friday, June 12, 2009

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "crazy", then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker, a blond, asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb. so, that the boss might think that I was "crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out, go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker, the blond, followed me, the boss asked her, "...and where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark..."

Submitted by Randy Schmitz
Thursday, June 11, 2009

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied.a "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

Submitted by Stacy Riley
Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Submitted by Jason Hoffsetz
Tuesday, June 9, 2009

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.
"Reach up there and find out."
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's
gruesome!"
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back
up there, it'll grow some more!"

Submitted by Brad Shoemaker
Monday, June 8, 2009

Q - Why did Tigger not want to flush the toilet?
A - He heard Pooh was in there.

Submitted by Scott Reynolds
Friday, June 5, 2009

A Blonde goes to the beauty parlor, has her hair cut and dyed chestnut. She then goes for a drive in the country in her convertible, only to get stopped by a herd of sheep on a narrow road. She calls out to the Farmer, "If I can guess the correct number of sheep you have in your flock, can I have one?"
The farmer grins, and agrees . She thinks for a second and amazingly correctly guesses, 436. The farmer is shocked. He says "Okay, you win, which one do you want"?
She looks them over and sees one that's friendly looking and is quite frisky. After picking it, the farmer says, "Okay, you can have that on, e but If I can guess correctly what color your hair really is . . . can I have my dog back?"

Submitted by Mike Hayes
Tuesday, June 2, 2009

A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.. It hits the blond woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!
He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?'
'Duh,' says the blond, 'He has a licker license!

Submitted by Urb
Monday, June 1, 2009

Bad Joke Friday

Three moles were tunneling underground looking for food. The first mole stops and says ooh, we're getting close I can smell sugar. They tunnel for a little while longer and then the second mole stops and says we're getting close I can smell honey. A little while later the third mole says can we hurry up I keep smelling mole-asses.

Submitted by Michael Beveridge
Friday, May 29, 2009

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Submitted by Mark Sumonka
Thursday , May 28, 2009

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

Submitted by Ken G.
Wednesday , May 27, 2009

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other' s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, & strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'.

Submitted by Ken G.
Tuesday , May 26, 2009

Three moles were tunneling underground looking for food. The first mole stops and says ooh, we're getting close I can smell sugar. They tunnel for a little while longer and then the second mole stops and says we're getting close I can smell honey. A little while later the third mole says can we hurry up I keep smelling mole-asses.

Submitted by Michael Beveridge
Friday , May 22, 2009

Tom Griswold was interviewing a pirate on the show, and said "I can't help but notice that you have a wooden leg."
The pirate replied "Arrh, we was in a sea battle, and when our two ships come together, my leg got caught in between, and was ripped right off."
Tom said "That's terrible. While we're talking about this, I see that you're missing your left hand, and have a hook instead."
The pirate said "Arrh, I was in a sword fight with another pirate, and damn if he didn't cut off my hand."
"Tough luck" said Tom. "Finally, I notice that you have a patch over your left eye. What happened there?"
"Arrh," said the pirate, "I was standing on the deck one day, looked up, and a seagull pooped right in my left eye."
"And that made you lose your eye?" asked Tom.
"Arrh, it was my first day with the hook", said the pirate.

Submitted by Joseph Munn
Thursday , May 21, 2009

Q - What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A - One looks up the family tree, the other the family bush.

Submitted by Tony Hays
Wednsday , May 20, 2009

Q-Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder?
A-Because all the DNA is the same and there are no dental records

Submitted by Jim S.
Tuesday , May 19, 2009

An adorable little girl walks into a pet shop and, in the sweetest little lisp, asks the shopkeeper, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice...
"I don't fink my pyfon really hath a preferenth."

Submitted by Toby Pricahrd
Monday , May 18, 2009

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch. But it was a long long time ago, and it was just that one day.

Submitted by Rich DiPaolo
Friday , May 15, 2009

A man was sunbathing in the buff at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself".

Submitted by Steve Hamblin
Thursday , May 14, 2009

A lady brings her baby to the pediatrician and says that “my baby is turning colors and starting to stink, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God”. The doctor takes the baby into the examining room and comes back five minute later stating that “you have a perfect baby in every way but you have to change those diapers more often, there must be two or three pounds of crap in those diapers”. The lady replied “that can’t be the problem Doctor”. The Doctor then asks “why not?” She relies “the box says there good for eight to twelve pounds”.

Submitted by Ronny DeBont
Wednesday , May 13, 2009

A lady brings her baby to the pediatrician and says that “my baby is turning colors and starting to stink, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God”. The doctor takes the baby into the examining room and comes back five minute later stating that “you have a perfect baby in every way but you have to change those diapers more often, there must be two or three pounds of crap in those diapers”. The lady replied “that can’t be the problem Doctor”. The Doctor then asks “why not?” She relies “the box says there good for eight to twelve pounds”.

Submitted by Ronny DeBont
Tuesday , May 12, 2009

A very attractive lady goes to the dentist with a terrible tooth ache. As she relaxes in the chair the dentist takes a look into her mouth to see what the problem could be. After several minutes he tells her, "you have a very bad cavity and I'm going to need to pull the tooth". To which the lady replies "oh my, that’s going to hurt, I think I'd rather have a baby". The dentist thinks for a moment then says, "well make up your mind one way or the other because I need to adjust the chair.

Submitted by Rick Crawford
Wednesday , May 6, 2009

Not many people know that there were actually three women with Adam in the Garden of Eden; A blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
One day the Lord calls to them together and says He will grant them each special traits and abilities that they will pass down to all that follow them.
“I like to work with my hands – sewing, cooking, gardening and such things” says the brunette. “GRANTED!” says the Lord, “All that follow you shall have these traits and abilities.”
“I like teaching, nurturing, and caring for children” says the redhead. “GRANTED!” says the Lord, “All that follow you shall have these traits and abilities.”
“Gee, my mind is totally blank” says the blonde. “GRANTED!”

Submitted by David Gibbs
Tuesday , May 5, 2009

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.'
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.'
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that...'

Submitted by Krik Thorburn
Monday , May 4, 2009

Bad Joe Friday

Two cannibals are eating a boiled clown one says to the other... Hey does this taste funny to you.

Submitted by Alex Gevat
Friday , May 1, 2009

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a Human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against Not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little b@st@rd on your knee!"

Submitted by Jim Fiamoncini
Thursday, April 30, 2009

Ole goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Lutefisk."
The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Norwegian?"
Ole, clearly offended and angry, says, "Well, yes I am. But, let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked you for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I asked for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya,huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no...."
"And," Ole continues, "if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon. Would you ask me if I was Canadian?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't," agrees the clerk.
With self-indignation and more angry, Ole says, "Well, all right then. Why did you ask me if I'm Norwegian just because I asked for Lutefisk?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

Submitted by Ed Sinner
Tuesday, April 28, 2009

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Submitted by a Mark Sumonka
Monday, April 27, 2009

Bad Joke Friday

Why do sharks swim in salt water?
Because, Pepper water makes them sneeze.

Submitted by John Libby
Friday, April 24, 2009

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

Submitted by Jerry Bilkre
Thursday, April 23, 2009

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.
Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

Submitted by Toby Prichard
Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Do you know what the worst part of having a lung transplant is? Knowing that the first couple of times you cough that the phlegm isn't yours.

Submitted by Gary Black
Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Bob decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Bob that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Bob felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that the had a deformity too. Bob looked Sandy in the eyes and said 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky."
Sandy and Bob got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Bob whisked Sandy o ff to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Bob's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Bob ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!' "Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches.

Submitted by M. Casto
Monday, April 20, 2009

Bernie and Louise had been married for 35 years but now were in divorce court.
The judge asked, "Bernie, is it true that the last two and half years of your marriage, you did not speak to Louise?"
With a nod, Bernie replies, "Yes, Your Honor, that is correct."
"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquired.
Bernie replied, "I didn't want to interrupt her, your honor."

Submitted by Ken G
Friday, April 17, 2009

Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before I go... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house ... I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I'm afraid I also was the one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..."
"That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I'm the one who poisoned you."

Submitted by Stacy Riley
Thursday, April 16, 2009

A young, good looking Cowboy walked into a drug store in Montana and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.' When she returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is as follows:
1/3 ownership in the store,
A company pickup truck, and
$3,000 a month living expenses.

Submitted by Jerry Bilkre
Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Submitted by Toby Prichard
Tuesday , April 14, 2009

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away...."

Submitted by Toby Prichard
Monday , April 13, 2009

Bad Joke Friday

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender walks over and asks "Hey bud, why the long face?

Submitted by Jon Stropes
Friday , April 10, 2009

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

Submitted by S. Wittchow
Thursday , April 8, 2009

After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, the last child moved out of the house and Mom and Dad announce they are getting a divorce.
The kids are distraught and hire a marriage counselor as a last resort to try to keep the parents together.
The counselor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but the couple still won't even talk to each other.
Finally, the counselor goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful upright bass, and begins to play.
After a few moments, the couple starts talking. They discover that they're not actually that far apart and decide to give their marriage another try.
The kids are amazed and ask the counselor how he managed to do it.
He replies, "I've never seen anyone who wouldn't talk during a bass solo."

Submitted by S. Wittchow
Tuesday , April 7, 2009

Bob was sitting in his car one night reading a magazine while a young
lady sat next to him, knitting a scarf. A policeman tapped on the
window and asked, What they were doing and if the young lady was okay.
"Of course we are okay," said Bob. The cop asked "How old are you
sir?" Bob replied " I'm 23". The cop asked "And how old is this young
lady?" Bob looked at his watch and answered "In about 12 minutes,
she'll be 18!"

Submitted by Nick Sterio
Monday , April 6, 2009

A man gets on a elevator with an attractive women.
The doors close and it starts to move.
The man looks at the woman and says "Can I smell your panties?"
The woman screams "NO! Of course not!"
He replies "Wellthen, it must be your feet."

Submitted by Myron Sowell
Friday , April 3, 2009

Bob and Tom, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bob didn't show up. Tom didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bob hadn't shown up for a week or so, Tom really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Tom didn't know exactly where Bob lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Tom figured he had seen the last of Bob, but one day, Tom approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bob! Tom was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bob, what in the world happened to you?"
Bob replied, "I've been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Tom. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bob said, "You know kristi, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Tom, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'."
"The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'"

Submitted by R. Jones
Wednesday , April 1, 2009