A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis..."

Submitted by Tom Geahan
Wednesday, May 14, 2008

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family, a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is sadly an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "Assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Submitted by Toby Prichard
Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Bad Joke Friday

Chick, Bob and Tom all get jobs as ditch diggers. One day, the foreman comes by and says "Hey you dummies! Start digging a little faster!"
As he leaves, Chick gets mad and climbs up out of the ditch. He asks the foreman "Boss, how come you call us dummies?"
The foreman held up his clipboard in front of a utility pole. He says to Chick "Go ahead and hit this clipboard as hard as you can."
Chick sees an opportunity to get even and winds up throws the hardest punch he has ever shot. Just before the punch is about to land on the clipboard, the foreman drops the board and Chick mashes his hand against the utility pole. The foreman says "Any more dumb questions?"
Chick shakes his head no and jumps back down in the ditch and begins digging furiously. Bob asks " Well did he tell you why he calls us dummies?"
With that Chick holds his hand up in front of his face and says "Yeah, go ahead and hit my hand as hard as you can."

Submitted by Nick Sterio
Friday, May 9, 2008

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What, my dear?" she asked gently.
"You're a damn jinx!"

Submitted by Rich DiPaolo
Thursday, May 8, 2008

Three women die at the same time and arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells them that there is one rule in Heaven. “Don’t step on a Duck!” As they enter the Pearly Gates they notice that there are ducks on the ground everywhere. Sure enough, one of the ladies can’t help but step on a duck. When she does, St. Peter comes up to her with a VERY ugly man and handcuffs him to the lady that stepped on a duck. St. Peter says “You must now spend eternity chained to this ugly man.”
Now the other two ladies see what happened and they start trying their best not to step on a duck. After a while another lady can’t help it, she steps on a duck. The story is the same. St. Peter comes up to her with another VERY ugly man and handcuffs him to the lady that stepped on a duck. The third lady now tries her best not to step on a duck. For many years she shuffles her feet and never steps on a duck. Finally, one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome mans she has ever seen. This guy is better looking than a Chippendale’s dancer. St. Peter handcuffs him to the lady.
“Oh my!” says the lady, “What could have I done to deserve this?”
The handsome man says “I don’t know about you lady, but I stepped on a duck.”

Submitted by Bill Naivar
Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," says one trooper.
"Tell me! Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other, and finally one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 25-pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Submitted by Ed Sinner
Tuesday ,May 6, 2008

A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"
The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"
The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."

Submitted by Rich DiPaolo
Monday ,May 5, 2008

Bad Joke Friday

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stranded on an tiny island. They had to swim 20 miles to get to shore. The brunette attempted it, swam 5 miles, got tired, swam back. The redhead swam 5 miles, got tired and swam back. The blonde swam 10 miles got tired and swam back.

Submitted by Ken G.
Friday,May 2, 2008

A man goes to the local golf course to play a round. At the club house they ask him if he minds playing with a woman who has just gone to the first tee. He replies "no" and walks over to her. She is very beautiful and to the man's surprise single. They finish their round and the man asks if she would like to go back to his place. She says sure and the spend the rest of the day making love. Before the woman leaves she says "how about another round next week?" The man agrees and they make it a weekly ritual.
This goes on for several weeks, then one day the woman says "I have a confession to make, I used to be a man". The man furiously says "You bastard!..... all this time you have been playing from the ladies tees."

Submitted by James Hall
Thursday, May 1, 2008

Q: What did the doe say when she came out of the woods???
A: "I'll never do THAT again for two bucks"

Submitted by Marc Regenos
Wednesday, April 30, 2008

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".
George W. asked him why he was so unfriendly and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.

Submitted by Toby Prichard
Tuesday, April 29, 2008

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all hired by a man to paint yellow stripes on a road. The first day the blonde painted 2 miles of road, the redhead 1.5 miles and the brunette 1 mile.
On the second day the blonde painted 1 mile the redhead 2 miles and the brunette 2.5 miles.
On the third day the blonde did .25 of a mile, the redhead 2.5 miles and the brunette 3 miles.
The manager decided to ask the blonde what was happening and she replied, "Because the buckets keep getting farther and farther away."

Submitted by Ken G.
Monday, April 28, 2008

Bad Joke Friday

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers. 
After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.     The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long. 
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.    
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 
'What's for dinner, Batman?'

Submitted by Ron Scher
Friday, April 25, 2008

After a rough day on the course, a woman goes to the golf pro and says, "I've had the worst day ever, I cant hit a straight ball, left, right, up, down, all over the place. and on top of that a bee stung me between the first and second hole!"
The golf pro replied, "Well, theres your problem, your stance is too wide."

Submitted by Dan Hartley
Thursday, April 24, 2008

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says, "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner."
2nd Hillbilly says, "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly says, "We ain't got no 'lectricity!'"
2nd Hillbilly says, "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!"
1st Hillbilly says, "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly says, "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly says, "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found six condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say, "Well, what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly says, "She ain't got no pecker."

Submitted by Jerry Bilkre
Wednesday, April 23, 2008

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her butt and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
"I found the remote," he mumbled.

Submitted by Philip Wojtalewicz
Tuesday, April 22, 2008

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'

Submitted by Rich DiPaolo
Monday, April 21, 2008

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "I want you to paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

Submitted by Toby Prichard
Friday, April 18, 2008

What's the difference between stress, tension, and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant.
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.

Submitted by Ken G.
Thursday, April 17, 2008

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death

Submitted by Jon Young
Wednesday, April 16, 2008

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can''t stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey.
He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.
As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, "I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."
"Anything?" he says, getting fairly excited.
"Yes, anything." she replies.
So he says, "Will you hold the donkey"

Submitted by Jerry Bilkre
Tuesday, April 15, 2008

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Submitted by Mike Porter
Monday, April 14, 2008

Bad Joke Friday

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office.
His lawyer said, "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

Submitted by Toby Prichard
Friday, April 11, 2008

Paul was teeing off from the back tees. On his down-swing, he suddenly realized that his wife, Alison, was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path. Unable to stop his down swing he nailed the ball, hit Alison directly in the right temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later Paul received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy.
'Paul, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?'
'Yes sir,' Paul replied, 'that's correct.'
'Well, Paul, I also found a large bruise on Allison's right hip. Do you know anything about that?'
'Yes sir,' Paul said, 'That would have been my mulligan.'

Submitted by Ed Sinner
Thursday, April 10, 2008

A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.
The man's friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the first golfer.
"Somersaults!" says the friend. "That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."

Submitted by Dan White
Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Ole had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Ole said, 'Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into da other. I vas hurting, real bad, and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans'.
'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her'. 'After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes. Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'' Now vat the hell vould YOU say?'

Submitted by Larry Chambers
Tuesday, April 8, 2008

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
The lady replied "Yes, it is."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

Submitted by Ken G.
Monday, April 7, 2008

Bad Joke Friday

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'
The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'
'Don't make it such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'
'Ever since my wife found it in my truck.'

Submitted by Mark Sumonka
Friday, April 4, 2008

Old Angus was driving around and around in the mall parking lot in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to Heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Scotch Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Old Angus looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Submitted by Michael Campbell
Thursday, April 3, 2008

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX!"

Submitted by Ken G.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008

So this lady takes her seat at the bar and summons the bartender. The bartender moves in front of her and is met by a gesture to lean a little closer. As the lady leans forward she asks, “What’s your name?”
As she smoothes his collar and gently straightens his tie he replies, “I’m Jeff.”
While she runs her fingers through his full beard she asks, “Jeff, are you the manger?”
While she gently strokes his hair, Jeff replies, “No, he’s not here right now. Is there something I could do for you?”
As she rubs two fingers across his lips and stares meaningfully into his eyes she asks, “Could you give him a message for me?”
“Sure,” says Jeff.
“Tell him you are out of toilet paper.”

Submitted by Thom Hunter
Tuesday, April 1, 2008

A Texas cowboy who is visiting Wyoming walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Coors . He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Submitted by Ken Kirchner
Monday, March 31, 2008

Bad Joke Friday

One night on a back road a southern lawyer and a black doctor came up to an intersection and collided. Both men got out of their cars with no injuries. Once the black doctor had called the police they both leaned up against the cars very shaken up but otherwise ok. The southern lawyer pulls a flask from his jacket and offers it to the doctor. "Thanks," says the doctor. The lawyer puts the flask back inside his pocket.The doctor replies,"Aren't you going to have any." The lawyer answer's, "Sure, as soon as the police fill out their report."

Submitted by Travis Carr
Friday, March 28, 2008

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Submitted by Tom Geahan
Thursday, March 27, 2008

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father . So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly b*%&h he's runnin' around with.'

Submitted by Mark Sumonka
Wednesday, March 26, 2008

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand. He is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrrr," the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the man replies.
About that time, the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch, and without missing a beat, blurts out, "Holy sh*t! My girlfriend's gone too!!"

Submitted by Nick Sterio
Tuesday, March 25, 2008

A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank! Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "Yes!"
The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head and BANG !!!, shoots him in the head and kills him! He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man,"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man calmly responds ...
"No, but my wife did."

Submitted by Nick Sterio
Monday, March 24, 2008

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?"
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

Submitted by Toby Prichard
Friday, March 21, 2008

One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of The holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws Away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell The priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says,
'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?
'Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water.'

Submitted by Rich DiPaolo
Wednesday, March 19, 2008

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Father, what is this?" he asked the pastor.
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial plaque to all the young men and women who died in the Service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, he asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"

Submitted by Brent Forguson
Tuesday, March 18, 2008

A U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field over yonder."
The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
"Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"

Submitted by Brent Forguson
Monday, March 17, 2008

During a taxi run, the crew of a US AIR flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on ""Delta. Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically.
"God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"
The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am." The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at the airport was running high.
Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Submitted by Bryan Elliot
Friday, March 14, 2008

One day the big Chief comes along and calls the Missionary into his hut, where he was sharpening his big axe. He explains to the white man that his daughter has just given birth to a white baby, and that since the missionary's the only white man for thousands of miles, the missionary will be the "main course" at dinner that night.
"Now just hang on a minute, give me a chance to explain, chief," says the Missionary. "You're jumping to conclusions here. Let me tell you a story. See all those white sheep out in the field and how there's one black one amongst them."
The Chief thinks for a few minutes, then says, "OK!, You say nothing, I say nothing."

Submitted by Toby Prichard
Thursday, March 13, 2008

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for one hour. When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

Submitted by Mark Sumonka
Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the
best patients to operate on. The first surgeon from New York says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up,everything inside is numbered.'
The second from Chicago responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon from Dallas says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in, 'You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always
understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

Submitted by Rich DiPaolo
Tuesday, March 11, 2008

A man was happily driving along in his car late one Saturday night when a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to him and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
Confused, the man replied, "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"
"No," said the policeman. "You were driving splendidly. It was the incredibly ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."

Submitted by Bryan Elliot
Monday, March 10, 2008

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

Submitted by Toby Prichard
Friday, March 7, 2008

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the haircut he asked about his bill and the barber tells him "I cannot accept your money. I am performing community service this week. The florist was pleased when he left the shop, and the next day when the barber opened his shop there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful.
"Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

Submitted by Joe Welker
Thursday, March 6, 2008

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret.
And, the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted...

Submitted by Jerry Bilkre
Wednesday, March 5, 2008

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What's the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded.
"This woman is 64 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Are her hiccups gone?"

Submitted by Ken G.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely Offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were jus t fine - they we re used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered the teeth

Submitted by Rich DiPaolo
Monday, March 3, 2008