THE BOB & TOM SHOW - Joke of the Day

w w w . b o b a n d t o m . c o m

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A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages". He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind... So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy!
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic; But for an outside line you need to press 9".

Submitted by Ronald Boyer
Thursday, August 31, 2006

Just moving into a new house, a little boy name Billy told his mom he didn't have anybody to play with. His mother noticed the little boy next-door and said "Why don't you go play with him?"
So Billy went over to the little boy and said "Hi, my name is Billy" and the other boy introduced himself as Tommy. The two then decided that they would go to the backyard to play on Tommy's swingset. While playing Billy asked Tommy what his dad did.
"He's an accountant," Tommy replied. "What does your dad do?
"He's a lawyer," Billy answered.
"Honest?" Tommy asked.
"No, he's just the regular kind.

Submitted by Kevin Van Dyke
Wednesday, August 30, 2006

A guy walks into his kitchen and plops a frog down on the table in front of his wife. "What's that?" she asks.
"It's a frog that knows how to give head really well", he says.
"Great", she says, "what do you want me to do with it?"
"Teach it to cook and then move out" he replied.

Submitted by Glen Abbot
Tuesday, August 29, 2006

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, " Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping a man came up to him and said, " Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout counter he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his " barracks door". He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, " When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?" The lady ( naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, " No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffle bags."

Submitted by William Hooker
Monday, August 28, 2006

Bad Joke Friday

Q - Three potatoes standing on the corner. Which one is the whore?
A - The one that says "Idaho!"

Submitted by Rod Curts
Friday, August 25, 2006

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."

Submitted by Barry Teter
Thursday, August 24, 2006

A man who lost one of his arms in an accident became very depressed because he had loved to play the guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms. One day, he decided to end his life. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw a man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked him, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
The man said, "I'm NOT happy ....my ass itches."

Submitted by Barry Teter
Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."
"But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

Submitted by Ronald Boyer
Tuesday, August 22, 2006

A man is summoned to fight in the Crusades but before he leaves he decides that his lady should wear a chastity belt until he returns. He applies the chastity belt and gives the key to his best friend. He tells his friend"If I don't return in four years, release the chastity belt and let my lady live a normal life". He mounts his horse and leaves. A half an hour later he notices a cloud of dust approaching from behind so he waits as a lone horseman catches up. As he nears he recognizes his best friend and asks what the problem is. His friend replied "You left the wrong key".

Submitted by William Bero
Monday, August 21, 2006

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you? We've been waiting for you. Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation, and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"floccinaucinihilipilification" she replied

Submitted by Dennis Kruse
Wednesday, August 16, 2006

A leper walks into a bar and sits for a moment before ordering a shot of whiskey. The bar tender gives him the whiskey and then grabs a trash can and vomits uncontrollably . The leper is taken back at first but then figures that the bar tender has had a rough night. A few minutes go by and the leper orders another shot of whiskey and again the bar tender grabs the trash can and begins vomiting even harder than before. A few more minutes pass and the leper orders a third shot of whiskey. The bar tender brings the whiskey and once again begins vomiting but this time it's so bad he doesn't bother with the trash can. At this time the leper knows quite well that in fact it is he that is making the bartender so ill. Angrily the leper leans over the bar and yells to the bar tender " HEY MAN, IF I'M MAKING YOU THAT SICK, I CAN JUST LEAVE ! The bar tender looks at the leper and says " BUDDY IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO YOU DIPPING HIS PRETZELS IN YOUR ELBOW ?!!"

Submitted by Matt Hutzel
Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Bum walks into a bar. He walks up to the bar and tells the bartender he wants a drink because he is celebrating. Bartender poors him a drink and asks what he is celebrating. The bum says I just got laid. The bartender says tell me about it. The guy says, "Well I was walking down by the railroad tracks and a saw a woman laying on the tracks. She was tied up just like in the movies. So I untied her and we went back to my place and made love all night. I did her just about any way you could imagine." The bartender says, "You are lucky. This drinks on me. By the way was she pretty?" Bum says, "I don't know I never found the head."

Submitted by Lloyd Spalding
Monday, August 14, 2006

Bad Joke Friday

More than anything, Chick wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire him and give him a chance.
"This," he said, showing Chick a rope, " is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see, said Chick, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat, "And what do you use for bait?"

Submitted by Ronald Boyer
Friday, August 11, 2006

I used to have a Great Dane & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. When a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital last time because I had been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my nuts and a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Submitted by Chad Walgren
Thursday, August 10, 2006

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Submitted by Rich DiPaolo
Wednesday, August 9, 2006

One fine day, Bob and Tom are out golfing. Tom slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Tom searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Tom calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I've got trouble down here."
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Tom?"
Tom shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

Submitted by Toby P.
Tuesday, August 8, 2006

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.

Submitted by Rich DiPaolo
Monday, August 7, 2006

Bad Joke Friday

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

Submitted by Ronald Boyer
Friday, August 4, 2006

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. Completely unaware of who the golf pro is, the attendant greets him in typical Irish fashion with a hearty
"Top o' the mornin' to ya!!"
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So, what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be using them for?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!", exclaims the Irishman, "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything!!"

Submitted by Ken Kasprzak
Thursday, August 3, 2006

The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters,fishermen, golfers and tourists in general to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in outdoors.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
People should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Submitted by Barry Teter
Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Tom can’t seem to get any girls on the beach to notice him. “I’ve tried everything,” he tells Bob. “What else can I do?”
“I do have one special trick I keep for special occasions,” replied Bob. “Put on a tight pair of Speedos and put a long slender potato in them. Can’t miss!”
The next day Tom is baffled by the reaction of people. “I dunno, Bob. Why is everyone pointing and laughing?”
“Well Tom,” says Bob, “the potato goes in front!”

Submitted by Bryan Swanson
Tuesday, August 1, 2006

A man went to the dentist because his tooth was hurting. The dentist told him after the examination that he needed a root canal. The man replied, "O.K. lets do it." The dentist told him he will feel a pinch when he gives him the shot of the numbing agent.
The man says, "No, Doc, I am allergic to that."
The doctor tells him, "O.K., then, we'll give you nitrous oxide."
The man says, "I am allergic to the gas."
So, then the doctor gives him two pills with a glass of water and the man takes it.
The doctor comes back in 10 minutes and the man says, "Doc, will those two blue pills kill the pain?"
The doctor replies, "No, that was Viagra."
The man says, "Viagra? I don't need that!
What's that going to do for me?"
The doctor replies, "Well, it'll give you something to hang onto."

Submitted by Judi Q.
Monday, July 31, 2006

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says,"Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts and an extremely low cut blouse.
What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

Submitted by Barry Teter
Friday, July 28, 2006

Q: What do you call an epileptic in a pile of leaves?
A: Russel

Submitted by Josh S.
Thursday, July 27, 2006

Five Rules to having a happy life
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

Submitted by Ronald Boyer
Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: You marry her!

Submitted by Jamie Ray
Tuesday, July 25, 2006

There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident.
They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St.
Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St.
Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancÈ and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeat the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."
Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another.
So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven; do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

Submitted by Calvin Joyce
Monday, July 24, 2006

Bad Joke Friday

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectful approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" My wife's."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife and the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

Submitted by Barry Teter
Friday, July 21, 2006

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

Submitted by Cheri
Thursday, July 20, 2006

Six guys are playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Smith, who just lost $500.00 on a single hand, suddenly turns white, clutches his chest and falls over dead right on the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued to play while standing up. Jones eventually looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They draw cards, and Jackson draws the high card.
They caution Jackson to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Jackson goes over to the Smith apartment and knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks him what he wants. In a low voice, Jackson says, "Your husband just lost $500 and now he's afraid to come home."
The wife shouts, "Tell him to drop dead!"
Jackson says, "I'll go tell him."

Submitted by Ronald Boyer
Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Q: What did Nicole Kidman say to the Pillsbury Doughboy?
A: "Nice tan!"

Submitted by Joe Hendrick
Tuesday, July 18, 2006

A retired marine drill instructor went to the dentist to have some major work performed. The dentist said it would be a lengthy procedure and it would be quite painful after the anesthetic wore off. The D.I. insisted that no anesthetic or pain killers be given. The dentist finally agreed to the D.I.’s wishes after an hour of fruitless persuasion.
The procedure went flawlessly the patient didn’t even flinch. The dentist was amazed at the D.I.’s pain threshold. The D.I. said there was only two other times when he was in more discomfort. “ When was that?’ asked the dentist “The first time I was hunting in a forest and I had to take a dump. I mistakenly squatted over a bear trap when it snapped shut on my jewels.” “Oh my goodness!” exclaimed the dentist. “When was the other?” he asked. “When I ran out of Chain!”

Submitted by Jim S.
Monday, July 17, 2006

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl! Shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it!
They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."SEMPER PRAESTO

Submitted by Semper Praesto
Friday, July 14, 2006

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."

Submitted by Ronald Boyer
Thursday, July 13, 2006

A golfer stood over his tee shot for the longest time, looking up, looking down, figuring the wind direction and speed. This of course was driving his golfing friends crazy.
"Hurry up," they shouted, "Hit the ball, already!"
The meticulous golfer says, "My wife is watching me from the clubhouse, so I want this to be a perfect shot."
"Impossible!" one of the other guys replied. "There's no way you could hit her from here!"

Submitted by Ken G.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Submitted by T. Prichard
Tuesday, July 11, 2006

A class of 4th graders were sitting in class when the teacher asked them if they could use the word contagious in a sentence.
Little Mary raised her hand and said "I can't come over to play because I'm contagious"
" Good" said the teacher, "but does any one else have one?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and said "Well my neighbor miss Smith was painting her house and my dad said it will take that contagious."

Submitted by Stephen Darland
Monday, July 10, 2006

A man was charged with having sex with a goat. The man didn't have enough money to hire the best lawyer in town, so he hired another lawyer who was famous for picking a sympathetic jury.
During the trial, the next door neighbor was recounting how she saw her neighbor having relations with the goat under the light of a full moon. Se recounted that when the man had finished, the goat turned around and gave the man a big kiss right on the mouth.
At this testimony, the man and his lawyer turned to look at the jury to see their reaction. Just at that moment, one of the jurors turned to one of the other jurors and said, "A good goat will do that."

Submitted by Barry Kettery
Friday, July 7, 2006

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said.

Submitted by Judi
Thursday, July 6, 2006

A Business man while out of town decided to play a little golf after a short work day. He did not know any golfers in this town so he decided to go out to the course and get paired up there. When he arrived there were no guys ready to play but there was a very nice looking lady waiting for a foursome. He decided (at the suggestion of the club) to pair up with the lady. While playing the first 17 holes the two got to be real chummy but were shooting as poor a game as either had seen in years. They were both getting very frustrated with their games. On the 18th a par 4 the game was about to finish on a good note as they both were on in 2. When they arrived on the green they saw that this was the worst green that either had ever seen. This green slopped away from the cup with a very rolling surface. He was about twenty-nine feet away and she twenty-six. He looked over the green and was very frustrated.
He said, "If I make this shot I'll buy us dinner tonight." He hit and the ball rolled over the bump down through the grove around the short hill and up passed the cup and slowed. Just as it looked as though he had missed the put, the slope of the green helped and the ball rolled back into the cup. He made a great shot. Not to be outdone the lady tried to line up her shot.
She said, "If I make this shot I'll invite you to my place for drinks after dinner."
The guy interrupted her put saying, "Wait! Let me help you line up the shot."
He walked all over the green trying to find the groove. He suddenly smiled walked over to the ball, grabbed it up and said, "That is a gimmy if I ever
saw one."

Submitted by Ronald Boyer
Wednesday, July 5, 2006

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired XYZ Global Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Submitted by Ben Thompson
Friday, June 30, 2006

A missionary in darkest Africa decides to teach the pygmy chief English so he could teach him the Bible. As he walked through the jungle with the chief, he would point out the wonders of God's creation and name them in English. "River' he said as he pointed, and the chief replied "Ree-va". "Snake' and the chief replied "Saa-nake'. This continued until they came to a clearing where a man and woman pygmy were making love, oblivious to everything around them. The chief's eyes grew wide and he bounced up and down excitedly as he pointed at them. Being a man of the cloth, the missionary averted his eyes, but thought 'Goodness, he wants to know what that's called'. A quick thinker, the missionary said, "That's called 'Riding a bike' ". The chief looked at him, then them, and then him again, and drawing out his blowgun, he shot the couple dead on the spot. The missionary was aghast and asked "Heavens, why did you do that?" And the chief looked up at him and said in his broken English " Him......riding MY bike!"

Submitted by Dan Doucette
Thursday, June 29, 2006

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair remover that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Submitted by Barry Teter
Wednesday, June 27, 2006

drunk walks up to a whore house and asks for a lady and the woman in the door says we dont take drunks and slams the door in his face. The drunk knocks on the door again and asks for a lady again and she slams the door on his face again. After repeating this a few times he gives up and turns around to leave.
During all the commotion a woman and a man had been on the roof getting it on. The couple on the roof rolled off the roof and keep on screwing on the sidewalk.
The drunk turned around to the house and knocked on the door again. She opened the door again and started screaming at him and then tried to slam the door but he stopped it with his foot. The drunk said, "I didn't want to come and use your facility I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down.

Submitted by Jay Hoffjack
Tuesday, June 26, 2006

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

Submitted by Paul M.
Monday, June 26, 2006

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar after a long day of being Bacon and Eggs. They walk up to Bob the bartender and ask for a beer. The Bob takes one look at them and says, "Sorry fellas, we don't serve breakfast."

Submitted by Phil Kettmann
Friday, June 23, 2006

A guy goes to the hardware store to buy some insecticde. He hold up a box and asks the store manager, " Is this stuff good for beetles?" The manager replies, " NO, it'll kill 'em"

Submitted by Dan W
Thursday, June 22, 2006

LATEST POLLING SHOWS . . .
43% of all Americans say that immigration is a serious problem.
The other 57% said, "No hablo inglés".

Submitted by William Panzica
Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

Submitted by Tomas Burnett
Tuesday, June 20, 2006

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.

Submitted by Ronald Boyer
Monday, June 19, 2006

Bad Joke Friday

Q: How do you order a Buddhist hotdog?
A: "Make me one with everything."

Submitted by Bill Naivar
Friday, June 16, 2006

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked
"They're mating," her father replied
What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs"
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment..then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay stuff in our garden."

Submitted by Stacy Riley
Thursday, June 15, 2006

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied,
"Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicle s from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Submitted by Barry Teter
Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Tom's out golfing and gets to the 16th tee where he hits a tee shot straight right into the woods. After a long search, he finds his ball sitting right next to a frog. As he bends over to look, the frog says "Hey there fella." Tom, astonished and not believing he's seeing a talking frog, jumps back. The frog says "Don't worry, I'm completely friendly. In fact, if you were to kiss me I would become a beautiful young woman, madly in love with every bit of you." Tom says nothing, scoops up the frog and puts it in his pocket.After Tom tees off on 17, the frog reaches his head out of Tom's pocket andsays "Hey buddy, didn't ya hear me? I'll make all your fantasies cometrue...all you gotta do is kiss me." Tom says nothing and the frog, hopingfor love, quietly settles back into the pocket while Tom thinks. After theround is over the frog pops its head back out and asks again "Didn't ya hearme? All you have to do is kiss me!"
Tom looks down and says "Eh, at my age I'd just as soon have a talking frog."

Submitted by Garrett Hall
Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Sam and Edith were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath And their favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." Sam asked how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," their companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free, every day"
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
Sam glared at Edith and said, "You and your shitty bran muffins. We could have been here 15 years ago.."

Submitted by Cal Joyce
Monday, June 12, 2006

Bad Joke Friday

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bass player
Bass player who?
Exactly.

Submitted by Ray Urias
Friday, June 9, 2006

When Sister Marlena entered the Monastery of Silence, the Abbot said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Marlena lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbot said to her, "Sister Marlena, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Marlena said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Marlena was called in by the Abbot. "You may say another two words, Sister Marlena."
"Cold food," said Sister Marlena.
The Abbott assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Sister Marlena into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I quit," said Sister Marlena.
"It is probably best," said the Abbott. "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

Submitted by Barry Teter
Thursday, June 8, 2006

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross- eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

Submitted by Dan Palmer
Wednesday, June 7, 2006

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. How much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

Submitted by Steve Bjork
Tuesday, June 6, 2006

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,
"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice!"
The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never, Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"Father, it is not just you. I'm telling EVERYBODY!"

Submitted by Ronald Boyer
Monday, June 5, 2006

All his life a man has desired to have the fastest car around. Finally he buys his dream car, a brand new Corvette Stingray. He notices pulling out of the dealership that the gas tank was near empty. This didn’t bother him as he was so excited about the car and wanted to show it off that he pulls into the first gas station he sees. Wanting to look like a big shot, he pulls up to the pumps with an attendant, throws open his door, jumps out and tells the guy to fill her up. While he’s bragging to the gas station attendant, a kid on a mini-bike pulls up to his open car door and starts nosing around. The man pays the attendant and starts towards the open door when he sees the kid on the mini-bike. Infuriated, the man runs over, jumps in his car, slams the door and yells at the kid to get away from his brand new car.
The man pulls out of the gas station and heads down the road. He notices in his rear-view mirror the kid on his mini-bike is following close behind him down the road. He steps on the gas and the kid on the mini-bike goes blowing by him. He watches as the mini-bike makes a turn in front of him and speeds back the other way. The Corvette owner is pissed. He sees the kid on the mini-bike looping around behind him and coming up once more on his tail. Deciding he’s had enough of this kid, he punches the pedal to the floor. He can’t believe it when he sees the kid on the mini-bike zoom past him like he’s standing still. Once again he sees the kid making a turn and coming back the other way.
All of his lifelong dreams have been shattered. A little mini-bike is faster than his Corvette. He can’t take it any longer and slams his brakes on and puts the card into a slide right in front of the approaching mini-bike. The unfortunate kid and mini-bike slam into the side of his car. The man runs over, grabs the kid by the shirt and screams, “I’ve got to know what you’ve got in that mini-bike.” Still stunned the boy looks up and says, “I don’t have anything in my mini-bike. I got my suspenders caught in your door.”

Submitted by Tom Onestak
Friday, June 2, 2006

Man: My dog doesn't have a nose.
Woman: Oh my, that's incredible. How does he smell?
Man: He smells awful.

Submitted by Wayne Thompson
Thursday, June 1, 2006

If you still aren't laughing, check your pulse.
And then read some More jokes!