A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
At the end of his rope, the bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day

Submitted by Brent K. Forguson
Friday, July 30, 2004

Two guys catch each other's eye at their 50th class reunion. The one says to
the other, "Hey didn't I bump into you 7 years in Vegas? The other one says
" Nope, never been there". I think I did see you at Charlie Burnside's
funeral 3 years ago?" The guy says, "No didn't know a Burnside", were you
ever in Seattle? The other guys says "Nope, must of been two other guys?"

- Submitted by Kelly Espe
Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Henry loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Ernie looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They draw straws. Joe picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Joe goes over to Henry's apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Joe declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Joe.

- Submitted by Pat Bannister
Tuesday, July 27, 2004

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."

- Submitted by Matt Flenor
Monday, July 26, 2004

Bad Joke Friday

Q - What do you call it when you measure the circumference of an igloo and then divide by 1/2 the radius of the igloo?
A - Eskimo Pi

- Submitted by Ken G
Friday, July 23, 2004

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night." The priest is silent for a moment, then says, "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp."
"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.
"No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that #@*! eating grin off your face."

- Submitted by Tim Kelly
Thursday, July 22, 2004

Q: Why did God invent Economists?
A: To make the weathermen look good.

- Submitted by David Nudo
Wednesday, July 21, 2004

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."
I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you. Her pants were torn, so I gave
her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

- Submitted by Rick Faulkner
Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Bad Joke Friday

Q - Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund?
A - Someone told him " to get a long little doggie."

- Submitted by Larry Jones
Friday, July 16, 2004

A 83 year old woman, who had been alone and sick for most of her life, decided she'd had enough and to end her misery. She thought and thought and decided the best way to do it would be to shot herself in the heart. She wasn't quite sure where her heart was exactly located so she phoned her doctor and asked. "Why, it's 2 inches below your left nipple" he told her. The old lady thanked him, hung up the phone, loaded the gun and promptly shot herself in her kneecap.

- Submitted by Brandi from Bangor Maine
Thursday, July 15, 2004

When Suzanne arrived home from work she was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash Suzanne ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!"

- Submitted by Mark Sumonka
Wednesday, July 14, 2004

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asked.
He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "
She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

- Submitted by Kelly Martin
Monday, July 12, 2004

A 98 year old man goes to a new Doctor for a checkup. After examining him, the Doc says " you are the most healthy man I have ever seen. Normally I wouldn't ask this of someone your age, but I'd like to get a sperm sample." The old man agrees, and takes the specimen jar home. He returns the next day, and with his head hung down, hands the still empty jar to the Doctor. "What happened?", the doc asks.
"Tell you the truth doc", says the old timer, "I did my best. I tried it with both hands, I had my wife use her hands, Hell, we even had the beautiful young blond from next door come over and use her hands, but it was just no use... We just couldn't get the damn lid off the jar!

- Submitted by Larry Stonecipher
Thursday, July 8, 2004

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn anything!"

- Submitted by Tim Ostrander
Wednesday, July 7, 2004

Doctor Nick walks into his office to talk to a patient. He looks at the patient and says: “I have good news and bad news. Which would you like?”
“The good news,” the patient says.
“Well, the good news is we’re gonna name a disease after you.”

- Submitted by Noah Brandis
Tuesday, July 6, 2004

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off-limits for the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

- Submitted by Jason Eager
Friday, July 2, 2004

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says  to the other," I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." 
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might  as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior  points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.  "Two dogs, please," says one.  The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot  dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.  Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."  The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously:  What part did you get?"

- Submitted by Rick Faulkner
Thursday, July 1, 2004

Q - Why does Mike Tyson cry when he's having sex?
A - Pepper Spray will do that to you.

- Submitted by Danny Swartz
Wednesday, June 30, 2004

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, filling everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. Finally, the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

- Submitted by Ken R.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Bobby went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Bobby said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later, he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen."

- Submitted by Bryan Elliott
Monday, June 28, 2004

Bad Joke Friday

Q - What is one animals u should never play poker with?
A - A Cheetah!

- Submitted by Joe D.
Friday, June 25, 2004

A man walks into the dentist's office with a toothache, and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas." So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, " Here," he says. "Take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to."

- Submitted by Rick Faulkner
Thursday, June 24, 2004

A guy goes into a porn shop and buys a Palestinian blow up doll, when he got it home, it blew itself up.

- Submitted by Jessi Stakley
Wenesday, June 23, 2004

A very large man walks into a bar with a huge burlap sack over his shoulder. He leans against the bar and sets the sack on the stool next to him and asks the bartender if he would like to see a trick. The bartender replies "It's been a slow night I would love to see a trick." So the man proceeds to pull the biggest snapping turtle anyone has ever seen out of the burlap sack and sets it back on the bar stool. Next he unbuttons his pants and pulls out his penis, gives the turtle a solid tap on the head and the turtle latches on to it. Next he swings this huge snapping turtle around in circles by his unit for a few seconds and then lets it come to a stop so the turtle is just hanging there. Finally he pokes the snapping turtle in the eyes and it lets go and crawls back into the bag. The man zips his pants back up and says "I'll give anyone in here $10,000 dollars if they can do that." I small nerdy looking fellow down at the end of the bar slowly stands up and says "I'll do it, as long as you don't poke me in the eyes."

- Submitted by Ross Muhleman
Tuesday, June 22, 2004

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

- Submitted by Mary Alan
Monday, June 21, 2004

Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? The newspaper reported that there's a small, medium, at large.

- Submitted by Casey Quinlan
Friday, June 18, 2004

Sean Morey Tribute

Q - Why aren't there banjos on Star Trek?
A - Because it's the FUTURE!

- Submitted by Steve Sinelli
Wednesday, June 16, 2004

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said,"Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

- Submitted by Don Anderson
Tuesday, June 15, 2004

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them. Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage. St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it. Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding. The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

- Submitted by Jean-Ann Reynolds
Monday, June 14, 2004

A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas."
The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas."
Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from work: " Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas."
Each time the man heard the voice he became increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, got together all his money, and headed to Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, "Go to Harrah's."
So he hopped into a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table." The man did as he was told.
When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel.
Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed, until finally it settled into number... 21.
The voice said, "Damn..."

- Submitted by Bryan Elliot
Thursday, June 10, 2004

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."

- Submitted by Bill Cook
Wednesday, June 9, 2004

An elderly couple stop for gas at a remote roadside gas station. The old man gets out to pump the gas. While standing next to the car, a young attendant comes out, looking for some conversation.
"Where you folks from?" he asks
"We're from South Dakota" replies the old man
"EH? WHAT'D HE SAY?" the old lady shouts
"HE WANTS TO KNOW WHERE WE'RE FROM" the old man shouts back
"OH" the old lady replies
"Where abouts in South Dakota?" the young man asks
"Pierre"
"EH? WHAT'D HE SAY?" the old lady shouts
"HE WANTED TO KNOW WHERE IN SOUTH DAKOTA WE'RE FROM, AND I TOLD HIM PIERRE" the old man shouts.
Then the young man chuckles."You know, the worst lay of my life was a woman from Pierre. Bitchy, nasty! Boy, I'll never forget her."
"EH, WHAT'D HE SAY?"
The old man leans into the car
."HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"

- Submitted by Tom Pellino
Tuesday, June 8, 2004

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

- Submitted by Michael Campbell
Monday, June 7, 2004

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers. There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

- Submitted by Rick Faulkner
Friday, June 4, 2004

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

- Submitted by Karen from Iowa
Thursday, June 3, 2004

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa, good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

- Submitted by Tim Kelly
Wednesday, June 2, 2004

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man says, "And the Viagra?"
"Keeps him from falling out of bed."

- Submitted by Bobby Reggins
Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Bad Joke Friday

Did you hear Monica Lewinsky is now a Republican?
She says the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

- Submitted by Nathan Waleryzak
Friday, May 21, 2004

- Submitted by Robert Revcheck
Wednesday, May 19, 2004

- Submitted by Jim Neill
Tuesday, May 18, 2004

A young boy goes to see his grandfather at the nursing home. When he gets there, he sees that all of the residents are in the recreation room just sitting around doing nothing. Suddenly, someone yells out the number 22 and everyone starts laughing. The boy asked his grandfather what was going on, and the old man told him that they've all been in the home for so long that instead of telling an entire joke, the residents just numbered them. Now if anyone wants to tell a joke, they just yell out the corresponding number. The boy was intrigued with the game, so he asked if he could try. The grandfather told him to go ahead, so the boy hollered out the number 28. Nobody even smiled." The boy decided to try again and yelled out 32. At this, many of the residents began getting up and walking out. Confused, the boy asked his grandfather what was going on. "Well boy," said the old man, "you know what they say, some people can tell 'em, some can't."

- Submitted by Bryan Coffey
Monday, May 17, 2004

Bad Joke Friday

Q: What do bass players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

- Submitted by Brent Russell
Friday, May 14, 2004

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. As he passes the first woman, she looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who takes a good long look as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

- Submitted by Lewis Thomas
Thursday, May 13, 2004

The college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
"Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who's it is?"

- Submitted by Mike Winters
Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Three guys were sitting around, bragging about how they've got it made. The first guy said, "I've got a beautiful wife and five kids. That's enough for a basketball team."
"That's nothing," said the second guy, "I''ve got two beautiful wives and 11 kids, that's enough for a football team."
The third guy says, "I've got both of you beat. I have 17 wives; one shy of having a golf course!"

- Submitted by Gregory Santos
Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Q - Why did God create economists?
A - To make weathermen look good!

- Submitted by Scott Kravitz
Monday, May 10, 2004

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." 
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive today if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along,"

- Submitted by Mark Sumonka
Friday, May 7, 2004

Q - How do you get three old ladies to drop the F*Bomb?
A - Have a fourth one yell "BINGO!"

- Submitted by Brian Eickhoff
Thursday, May 6, 2004

Hellmann's mayonnaise history....
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its April stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But, as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The Titanic hit an iceberg and sank. The cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

- Submitted by Mike Campbell
Wednesday, May 5, 2004