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The Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
Submitted by Jerry Duncan
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
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The Waiter and the Spoon
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?''
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Submitted by Rich DiPaolo
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
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The Medical Checkup
A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.
The doctor speaks to the man’s wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he’ll probably live another 20 years."
She returns to her husband’s side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."
Submitted by Toby Prichard
Monday, February 08, 2010
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The Friendly Doctor
A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."
Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.
"No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"
Submitted by Nathan Boyer
Thursday, February 04, 2010
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The Wife's Funeral
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Submitted by Will Tate
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
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You're No Tiger Woods
A couple was on their honeymoon. They went to bed and were about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's really beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"Heck No!" he says. "I'm calling Tiger Woods, I need to know the par for this hole!"
Submitted by Mike Hayes
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
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Hurting All Over
A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doctor, I hurt all over."
The blonde says, "I'll show you."
She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!"
So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for a couple of minutes. Then he asks, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?"
The blonde says "Yes, why?"
The doctor says, "Well, you've got a broken finger."
Submitted by Toby Prichard
Monday, February 01, 2010
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The Perfect Woman
One day Adam was sitting in the garden of Eden when the lord called down to him. "Adam my son, why are you sad? Have I not given you all you could want and need?"
"Yes father" said Adam, "but I have an empty spot in my soul that I can't explain."
Then the lord said "I think I know what's missing. I will create for you the perfect companion, you will only know joy and content for the rest of your life. However, for this I must have an arm and a leg."
Adam thought and then said "what can I get for a rib?"
Submitted by Steve Gilmore
Friday, January 29, 2010
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The College Paper
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
Submitted by Ed Sinner
Thursday, January 28, 2010
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The Train Conductor
A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Submitted by Will Tate
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
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The Three Wives
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect manhood."After this, the first one looks shamefully at the other two and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me too. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth.""Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
Submitted by Toby Prichard
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
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The Pilot
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a twin-engine plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'
Submitted by Jon LaFrance
Monday, January 25, 2010
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Leroy's Hearing
If anyone needs to be prayed over, come forward to the front at the altar," the Preacher said.
After hearing that, Leroy gets in line. When he arrived at the front the preacher asked "Leroy, what would you like for me to pray about?"
Leroy replied "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The preacher then put one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and began to pray.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy stoop up, shook the preacher's hand and said "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday!"
Submitted by Rich DiPaolo
Friday, January 22, 2010
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The Sky is Falling
A kindergarten teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to the children in her class one day. She reached the part in the story in which Chicken Little ran up to the farmer and yelled, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!!!!”
The teacher paused for a moment in her reading and asked her young students, “Children, what do you think the farmer must have thought to himself when Chicken Little ran up to him and yelled “The sky is falling the sky is falling!!!”
Little Johnny raised his hand, at once the teacher acknowledged him saying, “Yes Johnny, what do you think the farmer must have thought?"
Little Johnny responded, “Well teacher, I think he must have thought to himself, “Holy crap, a talkin’ chicken!!!”
Submitted by David Starns
Thursday, January 21, 2010
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A Pirate Walks Into a Bar
A pirate captain walks into a bar with the steering wheel of a ship shoved down the front of his pants. He settles up to the bar and says, "I be having Rum."
The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy".
The bartender delivers the drink and says, "If you don't mind my asking, doesn't that steering wheel bother you?"
The captain looks at him and says; "Arr, it's drivin' me nuts."
Submitted by Andy Chezem
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
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Irish Confessional
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it 's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
Submitted by Mike Hayes
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
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Eve is so Perfect
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you
Submitted by Tim Dorton
Monday, January 18, 2010
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Funeral For a Homeless Man
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."
Submitted by Mark Hoffman
Friday, January 15, 2010
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The Vacation E-Mail
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
Submitted by Debbie Lazo
Thursday, January 14, 2010
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Three Vampires in a Bar
Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?"
The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood."
The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!"
The third vampire says "Give me plasma."
The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light."
Submitted by Urb
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
