Last 30 Days
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Beer Habit
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, Sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it should cause a scene at the check out stand."
"I can handle that without a problem, the other nun replied and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair," the nun said. "Back at our nunnery, we call it Catholic Shampoo."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."
Submitted by G.A.
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
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The Mechanic and the Surgeon
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
Submitted by Buddy
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
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The Toughest Cowboy
Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales.
Tom, the hand from Brooks Alberta says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."
Ben, from Wyoming, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache."
Old Reuben Loe, the cowboy from Calgary, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.
Submitted by David Watson
Monday, January 30, 2012
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The Old Golfer
Arthur is 90 years old and has played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day, he arrived home looking downcast. "That's it," he told his wife "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathized, and as they sat down to dinner, she had a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighed Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," said the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur headed off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He teed up his ball, took a mighty swing, and squinted down the fairway. Then he turned to his brother-in-law and asked, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" said the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asked Arthur.
"Can't remember."
Submitted by John Doe
Thursday, January 26, 2012
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Question for Bob
Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
Submitted by Mark Hoffman
Monday, January 23, 2012
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Cold Weather is Coming
I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in northern Michigan. He said that the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is at fifteen degrees and still dropping... and the wind is increasing to near gale force.
Even the plows are having a hard time getting around.
The schools are closed, and alerts are on all the TV and radio stations urging people to stay off the streets.
He said his wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window for hours on end, just staring. He says he's concerned that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
Submitted by Jon Doe
Friday, January 20, 2012
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Killing Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell the sex of a fly?"
He responded, "Well, three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Submitted by Kevin Hassing
Thursday, January 19, 2012
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Doctor's Orders
The wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that "help" guys get an erection. I called my wife after my doctors visit and told her that he gave me something. You should have seen her face though when I got home and tossed her what the doctor had given me. A case of diet pills! I am still looking for a new place to live.
Submitted by Bill Smith
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
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Escaping the Bull
At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, partner."
"Oh yeah, what happened?"
"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!"
"So, how'd you get away?"
"The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."
"Man, that's scary. If it'd been me, I woulda probably crapped all over the place."
"I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?"
Submitted by Robert Johnson
Monday, January 16, 2012
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Six Double Vodkas
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
Submitted by Bill Smith
Friday, January 13, 2012
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From Wisconsin
An elderly couple were driving cross country when they got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer says, "Sir did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, who is hard of hearing, asks her husband , "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says I was speeding!"
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman asks her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see my license!"
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Wisconsin. I had a girlfriend there once, worse piece of ass I ever had."
The woman asks her husband, "What did he say?"
And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
Submitted by Donald Casey
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
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A Mother's Daughters
A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.
The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffee-house". The mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said "Satisfaction to the last drop," so Mother was happy.
The second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; "Four Square Cigarettes". So the mother looks for the ad, and it says; "LIVE LIFE KING SIZE," so the Mother was happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS."
Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted.
The ad read, "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS!"
Submitted by Robert Johnson
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
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The Medical Condition
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it ?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
Submitted by Mark Hoffman
Monday, January 09, 2012
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What do you like most?
A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me? Is it my beautiful face? Or is it maybe my sexy body?"
The husband carefully studied his wife from head to toe, taking it all in. Finally, he replied dryly, "I like your sense of humor."
Submitted by J. Cabbage
Friday, January 06, 2012
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Blondes having coffee
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced the first blonde.
"Do what?" asked the other blonde. "Drive a truck?"
"No," said blonde one. "I'm going to send my lawn out to be mowed."
Submitted by Terry Negri
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
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The Drunk in Church
A drunk was staggering down the street and stopped in front of a catholic church. He goes inside and wanders around until he finds the confessional and goes in and sits down. The priest is sitting on the other side waiting for the drunk to start his confession but the drunk says nothing so the priest clears his throat. Still the drunk remains silent so the priest knocks on the wall.
The drunk replies"Don't bother, there's no toilet paper over here either."
Submitted by Ted Mackrel
Sunday, January 01, 2012
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Christmas Bus
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I've never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
Submitted by Ken G.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
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Interviewing a Cowboy
A reporter was out on a ranch and decided she wanted to interview the cowboy she saw across the way.
"I would like to asked you about your clothing. Why the big hat?"
"Well," said the cowboy, "it keeps the sun and rain out out of my face."
"What about the snapped up shirt?" asked the reporter.
"Well," said the cowboy, "My fingers are sore from holding the rains to my horse, and these snap buttons are easier to do up."
"How about heavy denim pants?"
"Well," said the cowboy, "they hold up better in the brush and dirt."
"And leather chaps?"
"Well, they keep the heavy brush, thorns from my legs."
"This is fantastic. I just have one more question, why are you wearing tennis shoes?"
"Well," said the cowboy, "I don't want people think I was a truck driver."
Submitted by Tony Bohrn
Monday, December 19, 2011
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The Secretary
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from college and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
She thought about it for a minute then replied "Everything but my ear rings!"
Submitted by Phillip Carroll
Friday, December 16, 2011
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Out Shopping
A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon when, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded, "Where the hell are you?"
He replied, "Darling you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money at the time and said 'Baby, it'll be yours one day.'?"
Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yes, I remember that my Love."
"Well," said the Husband, "I'm in the Pub next to that shop."
Submitted by Terry Negri
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
