2010
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The Cop and the Clown
A patrolman pulled a motorist over for speeding. He approached the drivers window and asked, " So buddy, what's the hurry?"
The driver replied, " I'm a clown, I perform at children's birthday parties,and I'm late for one."
The patrolman said, "That's interesting. You know, I've never seen a clown perform. If you get out of the car and do you act right here, I'll skip the ticket."
The man got out of his car, put on the funny clown shoes, oversized pants, multi-colored wig, clown makeup and began to juggle three balls. He hopped on one foot, juggled high, juggled behind his back, and under one leg, hopping around his car, on and off the road. He asked to the patrolman, "Do you have road flares?"
"Yes I do" the patrolman replied.
"Well get three and light them and toss them to me one at a time." said the clown.
The patrolman did that, and the clown caught them and was now juggling everything, hopping around on one foot and then the other. A car approached and parked behind the patrol car. The driver got out and opened the back door of the patrol car and got in.
The patrolman waked back and looking in at the man asked, " May I help you?"
Pointing at the clown performing, the man replied, " Just take me in. I'll never pass THAT test."
Submitted by Mark Golomb
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
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The Mouthy Parrot
Spring arrives and the bar owner decides to take his parrot outside in his cage and let him get some fresh air. When he goes back inside the bar an old lady comes walking down the sidewalk, the parrot screeches "Hey lady, you're ugly." This did not make the old lady happy, and she left stomping off mad as hell.
The next day same thing happens. Only this time, the lady went into the bar and asked who owned the parrot, to which the bar owner admitted that he did. The old lady explained what had happened the last two days with the parrot, and said that if that bird called her ugly again she was going to sue him. He assures her it won’t happen again.
After she left, the bar owner went to the bird and explained the situation. "Look, don’t tell that lady she is ugly anymore! She said she'd sue me, take over the bar, and start serving parrot on the menu!"
So the next, the little old lady decided to come down to the bar and see if the bird had learned it's lesson. When she got close, she heard the familiar voice of the bird screech "Hey Lady!"
"What?" she answered back.
The parrot then winked at her and said "You know..."
Submitted by Rick Temple
Sunday, November 28, 2010
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Hooker, Mistress and Wife
What is the difference between a hooker, a mistress, and a wife?
After sex, a hooker says "I hope you got your money's worth",a mistress says "I hope it was as good for you as it was for me", and a wife says "Beige honey, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige".
Submitted by Ken Snyder
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
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The Late Night Lecture
A man is pulled over by the police at midnight while driving and asked where he’s going.
“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body,” he answered.
The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
“My wife”, he answered.
Submitted by Jerry Bilkre
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
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Four Guys Fishing
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut it off, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex?" She said, "Wear a sweater."
Submitted by Dan Murrill
Monday, November 22, 2010
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Favor on an Island
A cruise ship in the open sea encounters rough weather and sinks. Two survivors, a man and a woman, are able to grab on to some floating debris and make it to a deserted island. The woman, who turns out to be Heidi Klum, washes ashore unconscious and is revived by the man.
“Thank you for saving my life,” Heidi says. I will do anything to show my gratitude—anything.
Thus, they become lovers.
After a few weeks, Heidi notices that the man is despondent.
“What’s wrong?” Heidi asks.
“Well, you’re great, and the island has been great, but something seems to be missing.”
“What can I do to help?” Heidi asks.
“You know, there might be something,” he replies. “Let’s try this: first, we’ll switch clothes, and then I would like you to draw a little moustache and sideburns on your face using the soot from the fire.”
Heidi is puzzled, but she complies and eventually her appearance is more masculine.
“Now,” the man says, “I am going to walk west around the island, and you walk east. In an hour or so, we’ll meet up.”
Heidi agrees, and they go their separate ways.
After about an hour, the man sees Heidi, dressed as a man, approaching. As they get closer, he runs up to her and says,
“Dude, you are not going to believe who I’ve been sleeping with!”
Submitted by Ben Kolter
Friday, November 19, 2010
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A Man's Fairytale
A man’s fairy tale.
A man is dating a woman,
“Marry me.” he asks.
“NO!” says the woman.
And he lived happily ever after.
Submitted by David Wishnew
Thursday, November 18, 2010
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A Priest and the Taxi Driver
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. "Come with me", said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic-size swimming pool. "Wow, thank you!", said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
"Wait, I think you are a little mixed up", said the Priest. "Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word."
"Yes, that's true" said St. Peter. "But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed."
Submitted by Ben G.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
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The Hunter and the Farmer
Three guys go hunting. They stop at a farmer's house and the driver gets out and goes to the house to ask him if he would allow them to hunt on his property. He tells him yes on one condition, he has an old horse that needs to be be put down, but he doesn't have the heart to do it. The hunter tells him no problem. On his way back to the truck, he decideds to play a joke on his hunting buddies. So he goes stomping up to the truck, opens the door and complains about the farmer not letting them hunt and he is going to go and shoot one of his horses to get even. He grabs his rifle and takes off. On his way back from doing the deed, he's chuckling to himself about how his buddies are going to react. Suddenly he hears boom, boom, boom. When he gets back to the truck his hunting buddies come running up yelling "Yeah and we got three of his cows too!"
Submitted by John Larson
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
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Let Me Take Your Picture
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
Submitted by Will Tate
Sunday, November 14, 2010
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The Old Pirate
An English sailor and a peg-legged, hook-handed, patch-eyed pirate met in a bar. The sailor asked the pirate how he got the peg leg.
“Arr, we were on a ship at sea, an’ a great storm came up, an’ I were washed over the side. An’ as me mates were pullin’ me back on board, a great shark bit this ‘ere leg off clean below the knee an’ that’s ‘ow I got this ‘ere peg leg. Arr”
“Oh that’s terrible, but how did you get that hook hand?”
“Arr, we were on a ship at sea raidin’ a freighter, an’ the swords an’ sabers were slashin’ an’ swingin’ an’ some’ow in the fracas I got this ‘ere hand cut off at the wrist an’ that’s ‘ow I got this ‘ere ‘ook. Arr”
Oh that’s awful, but how did you get that patch eye?”
“Arr, I were walkin’ down the beach one day , an’ it were a bee-yoo-tee-ful day, an’ the sun were shinin’ an’ the wind were blowin’ through me ‘air, an’ as I looked up at th’ bee-yoo-tee-ful blue sky, a great seagull flew o’er me and dropped a shit in this ‘ere eye an’ that’s ‘ow I got this ‘ere patch. Arr”
“You mean after all you’d been through you lost your eye to a seagull?”
“Weeeellll, it were me first day wi’ the ‘ook.”
Submitted by Mark Greenbaum
Friday, November 12, 2010
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The Job Applicants
Murphy applied for a forklift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin
A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job."
Murphy said angrily, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
"Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."
Submitted by Mike Hayes
Thursday, November 11, 2010
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A Few Winos
A few winos are drinking on top of a five story warehouse, when one of them ventures too close to the edge and falls off, hits an awning, rolls off into a fruit stand, and ends up in the middle of the street. A cop who hears the horrific screams of the witnesses runs up to the crowd, and asks, "What's going on here?"
The drunk answers up: "I don't know, I just got here myself."
Submitted by Sam Santilli
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
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Young Salesman
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'
Submitted by Bill Smith
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
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Blonde behind the wheel
A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror,the officer replied, "Ma'am...that's your air freshener."
Submitted by Stacy Riley
Sunday, November 07, 2010
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Related Question
Two hillbillies were sitting on the front porch drinking moonshine.
One says to the other, "If, one of these days when you're out hunting, I go into your house, make love to your wife, get her pregnant, and then you start raising the kid as your own while being none the wiser, would that make us related?"
The other one responded, "No, but it would make us even."
Submitted by Jason Gallentine
Friday, November 05, 2010
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Talking to Animals
A traveling salesman goes to a farm house'.
The farmer goes, 'I could put you up for one night, but you'll have to stay in the barn.'
So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, 'Were you comfortable?'
He goes, 'I had a great time; I talked to all the animals.'
He goes, 'You talked to the animals?'
He goes, 'Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six.'
He goes, 'That's exactly right.'
He says, 'The horse tells me his name is Otis, you've owned him for 10 years.'
He goes, 'That's incredible.'
And he goes, 'I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30.
And then I spoke to the sheep.'
And the farmer goes, 'Those sheep are lying’.
Submitted by Matt Thompson
Thursday, November 04, 2010
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Seeing Eye Dogs
There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
Submitted by Matt Thompson
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
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The Flea
There was a flea sitting at Miami Beach one sunny summer day. He had his piña colada, suntan lotion, umbrella and sunglasses. He looks up to see a flea-friend of his stumbling down the beach toward him. He was cut up, bruised....a total mess.
The first flea asks, "What happened to you?"
The second replies, "Man, I had a rough trip down here! I caught a ride in a guys mustache and he wound up riding a motorcycle down. The wind just whipped the hell outta me!"
The first flea tells him, "I can tell you the right way to make the trip if you'd like. You go to the airport, go into the stewardess' lounge, jump up on the toilet seat, wait for one to sit down then jump in! It's warm, smells nice and you ride in style!"
The second flea exclaims, "That's a great idea!"
A year goes by and there's the first flea sitting on his blanket at Miami Beach. Again, he's got his suntan lotion, piña colada, sunglasses and umbrella. Once again, he looks up to see the second flea stumbling towards him, beat to hell again.
"What happened dude! I thought I told you the right way to make the trip down!"
"Man, I did everything you said. I went to the airport, went into the stewardesses lounge, jumped on the toilet seat. When one sat down I jumped right in! You were right; it was warm and smelled nice but the next thing you know, I'm in a guys mustache riding down on a motorcycle!"
Submitted by Eric Hayes
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
