Last 30 Days
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The Wicked Slice
A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.
When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.
"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.
"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'SH*T!'"
Submitted by Robert Johnson
Friday, June 14, 2013
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The Pastor's False Teeth
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
Submitted by Eddie Hatfield
Thursday, June 13, 2013
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The Virginity Test
Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.
His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a "Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit": a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a paint brush."
Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc?"
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue. If she says 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!' then she's not a virgin.
Submitted by David Watson
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
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The Sex Therapist
Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist He told them he would only take their case if he was sure he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he to help and he told them to stop at Wal-Mart on the way home and buy three packs of donuts and a bunch of grapes. He told Mrs. Smith to toss the donuts at Mr.Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. He told Mr.Smith to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith's love canal.
A few weeks later, the Jones came to see the doctor. "Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you." They said.
The doctor ran the tests and came back to the Jonses. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do The Jonses said "You helped the Smiths, why won't you help us?"
After continued begging from the Jonses, the Doc said "Ok, Ok ... stop by Wal-Mart and buy a box of Cheerios and a whole crate of oranges."
Submitted by Bryan Melton
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
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Hold That Lantern
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Submitted by Jason Hoffsetz
Friday, May 31, 2013
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The Nervous Patient
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. The woman wanted to know, if it was true that the medication the doctor had prescribed was to be taken for the rest of her life?
The doctor told her that it was, which made her a little nervous.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
Submitted by Andy Lang
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
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The Observant Daughter
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How'd you know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"
Submitted by Jessica Alsman
Friday, May 24, 2013
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Getting Airsick
The seating arrangements on a flight put a timid little guy in a window seat next to a big guy who's in the aisle seat. After the plane takes off, the big guy quickly falls asleep. Pretty soon, the little guy starts to get airsick, but he is afraid to wake up the big guy so he can get to the restroom. Before he gets a chance to make up his mind, his stomach makes it up for him, and he suddenly barfs all over the big guy. He is horrified and immediately begins to worry about what the big guy will do to him when he wakes up. The terrible smell wakes the big guy, and he opens his eyes to find himself covered in vomit. The little guy pats him on the shoulder and says, "Sir, are you feeling better now?"
Submitted by Mark Lutz
Thursday, May 23, 2013
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Counting Sheep
A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life. She cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive. She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would change her life.
While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer who was trying to get his sheep across the road. She stopped her car and waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her first good deed.
After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer, "Your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many there are, could I have one."
The farmer thought it impossible and told the blonde it was okay.
"637", said the blonde.
The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact number, but lived up to his bargain.
"I'll take that feisty one over there", said the blonde.
Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
Submitted by Emily Eversman
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
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The New Sales Kid
A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia, but you're not in the mines anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.
Submitted by Nathan Meece
Monday, May 20, 2013
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The Entrance Exam
When I was young and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility. One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.
Submitted by Eddie Hatfield
Friday, May 17, 2013
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Buy You a Drink
A guy meets a gal in a bar and asks, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good." she replies.
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
She says, "Oh, well that's different. Send her in."
Submitted by John Hollenkamp
Thursday, May 16, 2013
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Just Like Mom
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My dad doesn't like her."
Submitted by Bryan Melton
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
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A Vegas Accident
A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident."
The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?"
The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."
Submitted by Nathan Dale
Friday, May 10, 2013
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Unemployed Dog
A dog goes into an employment office and asks to speak to a counselor. The counselor is amazed when the dog walks into his office and asks if the man can help him find a job.
"A talking dog!" The counselor says. "I think the Circus can find a place for someone with your talents."
The dog thinks about it for a minute then asks, "Oh really? Does the Circus needs a plumber?"
Submitted by Cab D.
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
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She's Alive!
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Submitted by Dan Skratek
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
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My Place Has Been Robbed
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
Submitted by Jerry Bilkre
Monday, May 06, 2013
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A Pro's Advice
A man goes to a golf pro for some advice.
"Well, what should I do?" asked the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he took a s wing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson. The next day, the wife went for her lesson.
The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asked the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood."
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands."
Submitted by Terry Negri
Thursday, May 02, 2013
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Future Ex-Golfer
Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
Submitted by Rick Newman
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
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The Pocket Picture
A man goes into a bar and drinks some ale. After every pint he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it. After the 4th pint the bartender asks him why after every pint he pulls the picture out and looks at it. Then the man says, "It's a picture of my wife.When she looks good to me I'm going home."
Submitted by Eddie Hatfield
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
