Last 30 Days
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The Entrance Exam
When I was young and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility. One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.
Submitted by Eddie Hatfield
Friday, May 17, 2013
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Buy You a Drink
A guy meets a gal in a bar and asks, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good." she replies.
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
She says, "Oh, well that's different. Send her in."
Submitted by John Hollenkamp
Thursday, May 16, 2013
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Just Like Mom
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My dad doesn't like her."
Submitted by Bryan Melton
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
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A Vegas Accident
A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident."
The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?"
The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."
Submitted by Nathan Dale
Friday, May 10, 2013
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Unemployed Dog
A dog goes into an employment office and asks to speak to a counselor. The counselor is amazed when the dog walks into his office and asks if the man can help him find a job.
"A talking dog!" The counselor says. "I think the Circus can find a place for someone with your talents."
The dog thinks about it for a minute then asks, "Oh really? Does the Circus needs a plumber?"
Submitted by Cab D.
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
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She's Alive!
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Submitted by Dan Skratek
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
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My Place Has Been Robbed
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
Submitted by Jerry Bilkre
Monday, May 06, 2013
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A Pro's Advice
A man goes to a golf pro for some advice.
"Well, what should I do?" asked the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he took a s wing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson. The next day, the wife went for her lesson.
The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asked the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood."
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands."
Submitted by Terry Negri
Thursday, May 02, 2013
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Future Ex-Golfer
Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
Submitted by Rick Newman
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
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The Pocket Picture
A man goes into a bar and drinks some ale. After every pint he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it. After the 4th pint the bartender asks him why after every pint he pulls the picture out and looks at it. Then the man says, "It's a picture of my wife.When she looks good to me I'm going home."
Submitted by Eddie Hatfield
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
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The Single Shopper
A woman was in the check-out line at the grocery store paying for her items. She bought a half gallon of milk, a small jug of juice, one loaf of bread, a pack of bacon, a head of lettuce , and a small can of coffee. Standing behind her was a drunken bum who had apparently taken an interest in the lady’s purchase.“H..h..hey...you know...what?” he slurred, “I-I-I bet you’re s-s-single.”
The lady was stunned yet impressed. Thinking there was no possible way he could gather that just by her items, she said “Why yes, I am single! But how did you know?”
“Well," he slurred again, “Because you’re ugly!”
Submitted by Jonna Dunn
Monday, April 29, 2013
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Robert Johnson
I met an older woman at a club last night. This isn't usually my thing, but she was attractive enough for a 50-year-old. We had a few drinks, danced a little bit, and the next thing you know my hand was caressing her thigh and she was whispering dirty nothings in my ear. She asked me if I'd ever had a sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3-some? I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says tonight was my lucky night. We went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
Submitted by Robert W. Johnson
Friday, April 26, 2013
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An Angry Wife's Request
My wife packed all my things last night and put them in the front yard.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you miserable bastard!"
“Oh,” I replied, "So now you want me to stay!"
Submitted by Chip Howe
Thursday, April 25, 2013
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A Woman With a Duck
A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
A drunk guy asks, "Hey you! What do you think you're doing bringing a pig in here?"
The lady turns to the drunk and replies, real snooty, "I'll have you know that this, sir, is a duck, not a pig."
The guy finishes his drink and says with a smirk, "I was talking to the duck!"
Submitted by George Meyer
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
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After the Exam
A wife gets home after her annual physical exam and was passing her husband, who was watching baseball in his recliner. Without looking up he asks, “How’d your exam go?”
She stops and says, “Just fine. The doctor said I’m in great shape for my age. In fact, he said I have the breasts of a 20 year old.”
The husband smirks and replies, “What did the doctor say about your 40 year old ass?”
She thinks for a moment and says, “Uh, your name never came up.”
Submitted by Pat Lennon
Monday, April 22, 2013
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The Goldfish
A lady walks into the vet vet with her goldfish in a bowl. "Doctor. My goldfish has epileptic seizures!" she says.
The doctor looks at the fish and notes, "He looks perfectly healthy. He's swimming and strong and I see nothing wrong with him."
The distraught lady replies; "No silly. Let me take him out and lay him on the table first."
Submitted by Man King
Friday, April 19, 2013
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The Father of One of My Children
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, "Hello."
He's rather taken aback because he can't remember or place her, so he asks, "Do I know you?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table,with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Submitted by Bill Smith
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
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The Sick Nun
In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader...
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, "DON'T EVER SELL THAT COW."
Submitted by Terry Negri
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
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Coming Home for Dinner
A man brings his best buddy back home for dinner.
His wife screams at him, "my hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him around for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married...."
Submitted by Terry Negri
Friday, April 12, 2013
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How Many Riders
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, “Did you guys have a good game today?”
The first old guy said, “Yes, I had three riders today.”
The second old guy said, “I had the most riders ever. I had five.”
The third old guy said, “I had 7 riders, the same as last time.”
The last old man said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.”
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, “I’ve been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?”
The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it.”
Submitted by Larry Chambers
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
