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"I'm not a gambler, I only bet on sports."
- Dom Irrera on Gambling

"Having sex with you is probably like cracking a safe. The lights have to be perfect, all the conditions need to be right. You've have to have sex at least five times because of those kids you have running around."
- Chick McGee on Tom's Sex Life

"I won't tell you how many times my dad has been married, but if they were sandwiches, his next one would be free."
- Jimmy Pardo on His Dad's Love Life

"Godfather III is the Curly Joe of that film series."
- Tom Griswold on The Godfather series of films

"I'm feeling like I need to come over and throw cauliflower at your house? Would that be okay? I'm thinking around sunset."
- Harland Williams to Bob Kevoian

"I'm a widower... if everything had gone according to plan."
- Brad Upton on his Wife

"Those new sports tampons might be better suited for sports that use periods instead of quarters."
- Bob Kevoian on Feminine Hygiene

"T-shirts that get you out of jury duty will not get you through air port security."
- Emo Philips on T-Shirts

"I'll tell you one thing about women, they don't give a damn about things on the side of the road."
- Tim Wilson on Women

"Nicole Kidman at 9-months pregnant is my goal weight two years from now."
- Caroline Rhea on Being Pregnant

"Maybe joy is a guy thing."
- Tom Griswold on Women and Happiness

"Thousands of years of funk smells nasty. It kinda smells like an old bucket of chicken and Lance Armstrong's bike seat after the Tour de France."
- Java on the smell of the Mummies

"I registered as a sex offender the other day so that I won't have to pass out candy on Halloween."
- Larry Reeb on Halloween

"My ex-wife is going to hell on a scholarship."
- Spanky Brown on his Ex-Wife

"Deep down all pets want to be homeless. That's why you have to keep an eight foot leash and a fenced in yard."
- Drew Hastings on Pets

"Redskin's owner Dan Snider is now laying out Coach Jim Zorn's clothes for him every morning."
- Bill Scheft on Washington Redskins Management

"My body has no sexual meaning anymore, so if I can make people laugh with it, at least it's being used."
- Louis C.K. on doing a nude scene

"It's amazing that Johnny Carson becomes even more beloved with each new episode of The Tonight Show that airs."
- Tim Cavanagh on Johnny Carson

"CBS sportscaster Jim Nantz is in the middle if a nasty divorce. Now the term 'Final Four' refers to the money left in his bank account."
- "Larry King" on Jim Nantz's Divorce

"My new album's title is "Forgotten But Not Gone.""
- Geechy Guy on his new album title

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