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Home > Quotes
"I'm not a gambler, I only bet on sports."
"Having sex with you is probably like cracking a safe. The lights have to be perfect, all the conditions need to be right. You've have to have sex at least five times because of those kids you have running around."
"I won't tell you how many times my dad has been married, but if they were sandwiches, his next one would be free."
"Godfather III is the Curly Joe of that film series."
"I'm feeling like I need to come over and throw cauliflower at your house? Would that be okay? I'm thinking around sunset."
"I'm a widower... if everything had gone according to plan."
"Those new sports tampons might be better suited for sports that use periods instead of quarters."
"T-shirts that get you out of jury duty will not get you through air port security."
"I'll tell you one thing about women, they don't give a damn about things on the side of the road."
"Nicole Kidman at 9-months pregnant is my goal weight two years from now."
"Maybe joy is a guy thing."
"Thousands of years of funk smells nasty. It kinda smells like an old bucket of chicken and Lance Armstrong's bike seat after the Tour de France."
"I registered as a sex offender the other day so that I won't have to pass out candy on Halloween."
"My ex-wife is going to hell on a scholarship."
"Deep down all pets want to be homeless. That's why you have to keep an eight foot leash and a fenced in yard."
"Redskin's owner Dan Snider is now laying out Coach Jim Zorn's clothes for him every morning."
"My body has no sexual meaning anymore, so if I can make people laugh with it, at least it's being used."
"It's amazing that Johnny Carson becomes even more beloved with each new episode of The Tonight Show that airs."
"CBS sportscaster Jim Nantz is in the middle if a nasty divorce. Now the term 'Final Four' refers to the money left in his bank account."
"My new album's title is "Forgotten But Not Gone.""
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