Last 30 Days

"Last week was the longest day of my life."
- Donnie Baker on having a tough week

"I feel like I enjoy less intelligent things than you do."
- Pat McAfee to Chick McGee on his taste in movies

"I don't have dad issues, but "Cat's in the Cradle" is my ringtone."
- Mike Lawrence on Daddy Issues

"Clowns, you should di-clownify when you're in public."
- Robert Hines on Clowns

"The only problem with this girl was the three other dudes she was sleeping with."
- David Dyer on young love

"It's easier to put a mouse in your pocket than a gerbil in your... well, you know."
- Tom Griswold on a News Story

"As a father you are sort of the Vice President of the family."
- Jim Gaffigan on being a father

"Enjoy your teeth for the next seven seconds, because you're going to get hit."
- Ian Bagg to Chick after talking bad about hockey

"I live like a private investigator with no work."
- Nick Griffin on living alone

"I have the charisma to be a cult leader, just not the vision."
- Marc Maron on Cult Leaders

"I'm crazy, but you're insane!"
- Chick McGee to Tom

"I've never been much of a spitter."
- Kristi Lee on spitting cherries

"Demons are dicks."
- Donnie Baker on the occult

"I had an insurance adjuster come over to my house. Guess which way he adjusted it?"
- Bill Burr on owning a house

"As long as something is kicking your ass, I'm happy."
- Bob Kevoian after hearing that Daylight Savings Time is "Kicking Tom's Ass"

"White smoke Pope, black smoke nope."
- The simplification of the Pope picking process

"The breasts are just there to push the nipples forward."
- Drew Hastings on being a nipple guy

"Why do you cheat at a sport nobody cares about?"
- Steve Trevino on Lance Armstrong and cycling

"The Swimsuit Issue is the married man's Playboy."
- Kristi Lee on the Swimsuit Issue

"Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth."
- Mike Tyson on fighting Mike Tyson