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Home > Quotes
Last 30 Days
"The only problem with this girl was the three other dudes she was sleeping with."
"It's easier to put a mouse in your pocket than a gerbil in your... well, you know."
"As a father you are sort of the Vice President of the family."
"Enjoy your teeth for the next seven seconds, because you're going to get hit."
"I live like a private investigator with no work."
"I have the charisma to be a cult leader, just not the vision."
"I'm crazy, but you're insane!"
"I've never been much of a spitter."
"Demons are dicks."
"I had an insurance adjuster come over to my house. Guess which way he adjusted it?"
"As long as something is kicking your ass, I'm happy."
"White smoke Pope, black smoke nope."
"The breasts are just there to push the nipples forward."
"Why do you cheat at a sport nobody cares about?"
"The Swimsuit Issue is the married man's Playboy."
"Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth."
"Being in an Improv troop is like being in a rock band full of sissies."
"Vegetarians don't ruin Christmas, alcoholics ruin Christmas."
"Barbershop quartets would make more money if they just threatened to go places and were paid not to."
"I'm not saying I have a gambling problem, I'm just saying that my gambling keeps me from being able to spend time with my kids."
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