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Last 30 Days
"Last week was the longest day of my life."
"I feel like I enjoy less intelligent things than you do."
"I don't have dad issues, but "Cat's in the Cradle" is my ringtone."
"Clowns, you should di-clownify when you're in public."
"The only problem with this girl was the three other dudes she was sleeping with."
"It's easier to put a mouse in your pocket than a gerbil in your... well, you know."
"As a father you are sort of the Vice President of the family."
"Enjoy your teeth for the next seven seconds, because you're going to get hit."
"I live like a private investigator with no work."
"I have the charisma to be a cult leader, just not the vision."
"I'm crazy, but you're insane!"
"I've never been much of a spitter."
"Demons are dicks."
"I had an insurance adjuster come over to my house. Guess which way he adjusted it?"
"As long as something is kicking your ass, I'm happy."
"White smoke Pope, black smoke nope."
"The breasts are just there to push the nipples forward."
"Why do you cheat at a sport nobody cares about?"
"The Swimsuit Issue is the married man's Playboy."
"Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth."