Bob & Tom - Jokes

Dirty Parrots

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A woman goes to her rabbi with a serious problem. Her two female parrots have picked up a bad habit. Any time she has visitors, the two parrots embarrass her by saying, in unison, "Hi ! We're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"
To her surprise, the rabbi breaks into a smile, explaining that he has two male parrots which he has trained to pray and who've become very observant, spending much of the day praying in their cage. He's confident that if the woman brings her two parrots over to his house, his two parrots will exert such a positive influence that her birds will turn into model parrots.
The next day the woman drives over to the rabbi's house and brings her two parrots into his home. As she looks around, she notices a large cage with two parrots, each wearing a little kippah and tiny tallis and each holding a miniature siddur, while they rock back and forth in prayer. Sure enough, as soon as she places her female parrots in the cage, they shout out to their male counterparts "Hi! We're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"
One of the rabbi's parrots immediately turns to the other, squawking: "Moishe, put the damn book down. Our prayers have been answered!"

The Expensive Lady

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 00:00:00 -0800

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.
“No, I must see Valerie,” he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.
The man replied, “Cleveland .”
“Really?”, she said. “I have family in “Cleveland .”
“I know.” the man said.. “Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”

The Entertaining Bum

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

Golfing Nun

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the sister, "and I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother, a 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted the sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the GD putt, didn't you?

Question for Grandma

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A ten year old lad goes to his grandmother and asks, "What is it called when someone is on top of someone else in the bedrooom?"
His grandmother was taken aback and she thought, "oh no, it's time for the talk."
She tells her grandson that it's called sexual intercourse and sends him on it's way.
Confused, the boy went outside to talk to his friends. A few minutes came back in and said, "Grandma, it's not called sexual intercourse, they're called bunk beds."

Three Boastful Ladies

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his johnson."
After this, the first one looks shamefully at the other two and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me too. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

Elvis Fan

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A lady who was a fan of the late Elvis Presley was distraught over the demise of the King. Thinking it might cheer her up, she took a favorite photo of Elvis to a tattoo parlor and told the artist that she wanted this profile likeness high up on the inside of her thigh, looking in. The artist agreed, and after removing her underpants, she climbed into the sturrips and he began duplicating the photo on her inner thigh.
After about an hour, he backed up and with a hand held mirror, showed her his intricate artistry.
She looked at the tattoo, and in shock, said, " That doesn't look like Elvis.
The artist, also in shock, said " Lady, it's perfect. Looks just like the photo you gave me."
"Well, I don't like it." she said.
"It's a tattoo, I can't WIPE it off, what do you want me to do?"
"Well, could you try to do a BETTER job in reverse on my other thigh?"
Thinking this was his only way out, the artist agreed and began the second tattoo, more detail, more time.
When he finished he again held up the mirror. She looked disappointed again.
"No, that doesn't look like Elvis either."
The artist replied, " Lady, ANYONE would recognize either of these tattoos as Elvis, I'll prove it to you."
He walks out of the shop and into a park where he finds a drunk half asleep on a park bench. He tells him what he needs, gives him $20, and tells him he will give him more if she's convinced.
They both walk into the room where the lady is spread-eagle in the sturrips facing them, he he tells the drunk, " Now look up there and tell me who the FAMOUS musician is...?"
The drunk sqints and blinks, trying to focus, and says, " Well it beats the hell out of me who the twins are, but the one in the middle reminds me a lot of Willy Nelson."

The Stumbling Drunk

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Guy walks out of a completely packed bar, into the parking lot. He's stumbling over his own shoes, swaying this way and that... Totally wasted.
He tries his keys in several different car doors before he finally finds his. The cops seeing this are just waiting to pull him over, as soon as he remembers how to drive.
Well, the guy is turning on and off his turn signals, the lights, the dome light, hazard lights... everything. Even sets off his own car alarm. All the while, other people are leaving in a much more sober fashion. Soon, the parking lot is half empty and the cops are getting impatient but their waiting pays off. The guy backs up a little, changes his mind and pulls forward, realizes he can't go that way and then backs out of the spot. As soon as his tires touch the road, the cops flick on their lights and pull him over.
Going through the normal routine, the cops ask for license and registration and then ask him how many drinks he's had.
His reply, "None, I'm just my friends' designated decoy for the evening."

The Elderly Couple

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently” she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered – “Is that one word or two?”

Ralph and Edna

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I've concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I'm so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

At the Grocery Store

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A husband and wife went to the grocery store. Wandering up and down the aisles they shopped as they normally did. In aisle 5, the wife said "I forgot to get pasta. Stay here and I will go get it.''
She left and the husband started looking at bottles of salad dressing. He bent to pick one up, just as his lovely bride came up behind him. Seeing that they were alone in the aisle, the wife rubbed his bottom. The husband stood up and said
"Carol, that had better be you. But if it's not, I usually shop here alone on Wednesdays!"

The Waiter

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A man was sitting at a restaurant table when his waiter walked up with his steak dinner. All was fine except the waiter had his thumb on the steak.
"Excuse me," the man said, "I don't want to be a bother, but why do you have your thumb on my steak?"
"Well," said the waiter "I figured you'd rather me do this then have it fall on the floor again."

The Psychology Instructor

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Two Old Guys

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."

The Blonde Painter

Fri, 13 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

She went to the front door  of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said.
"How   much will you charge me?"   Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"  
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she  would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"  
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.   The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all  those dumb blonde jokes."  
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.   
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.   
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."   
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it   to her along with a $10 tip.   "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's  a Lexus."

Why Sharks Circle

Thu, 12 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better when they’re not full of crap!"

The Old Dog

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

The Dirty Diner

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

Talking Nuts

Sun, 08 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!

Standing at the Gates

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."

The Obnoxious Biker

Thu, 05 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. This man came in, he was already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"

The Young Bride

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on the 50 year old executive.Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex , and this was the result of her investments.By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

Nun's Final Words

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A 98-year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little… then a little more. Before they knew it she had drank the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.” She raised herself up in the bed and whispered, “Don’t sell that cow.”

Guilty Golf Game

Mon, 02 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0800

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant. Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted,
"You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!"
"I hope you're proud of yourself!"
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!"
"It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...
The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

Three Nuns

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Three nuns go to heaven together where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter welcomes them but he informs them that before he can grant them entry into paradise they must each answer one question correctly. St Peter turns to the first nun and says, "Okay sister here is your question. Who was the first man on earth?"
The nun merrily answers, "Oh that's an easy one. The first man on earth was Adam."
Suddenly the angels began to sing, the trumpets blew and the pearly gates opened wide as she entered paradise.  Then St Peter turns to the second nun and says, "Okay sister your question is this, who was the first woman on earth?"
 The second nun, much relieved, happily replies, "Oh that's an easy one. The first woman on earth was Eve."
Again, the angels began to sing, the trumpets blew and the pearly gates swung wide open for her too.  Finally St Peter turns to the last nun and says, "Okay sister your question is this, what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?”
The last nun, clearly stumped replies, "Dang, that's a hard one."
And the angels sang the trumpets blew and the pearly gates swung wide open for her.

The Coach's Advice

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 00:00:00 -0800

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded 'yes'.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?'
The little boy nodded 'yes' again.
He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?'
The little boy shook his head 'NO'.
'GOOD', said the coach.
'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.'

Pilot's Intercom

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 00:00:00 -0800

During a cross-country airline flight, the pilot announced over the plane’s intercom, “Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We are currently cruising at 35,000 feet, the flight duration should be about five hours, and the weather in Los Angeles is sunny and 85 degrees. We expect a smooth flight, so sit back, relax and enjoy the trip.” Having failed to turn off the intercom, the pilot then said to the co-pilot, “It's a long flight, so I think I’ll go take a crap and then screw the flight attendant.” With the pilot’s unfortunate announcement having been broadcast throughout the plane, the flight attendant was mortified. She immediately ran from the back of the plane toward the cockpit to alert the pilot of his gaffe. On her way up the aisle, the flight attendant tripped and fell at the feet of a sweet little 80-year old lady who leaned over and said, “Ain’t no sense in hurrying honey, you heard him say he was going to take a crap first.”

The CEO

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."

Two Old Men

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Two old men are sitting in the park. One looks at the other and asks "How's your wife doing?"
The other says "I think she's dead."
The first old man says "Why do you 'think' she's dead?"
The other says "Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

Small Town Jail

Fri, 23 Jul 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "You're going to cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say—"
"And I said to keep quiet!"
A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "You're lucky the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."