Bob & Tom - Jokes

Beer Habit

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, Sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it should cause a scene at the check out stand."
"I can handle that without a problem, the other nun replied and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair," the nun said. "Back at our nunnery, we call it Catholic Shampoo."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."

The Mechanic and the Surgeon

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

The Toughest Cowboy

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales.
Tom, the hand from Brooks Alberta says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."
Ben, from Wyoming, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache."
Old Reuben Loe, the cowboy from Calgary, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

The Old Golfer

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Arthur is 90 years old and has played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day, he arrived home looking downcast. "That's it," he told his wife "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathized, and as they sat down to dinner, she had a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighed Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," said the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur headed off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He teed up his ball, took a mighty swing, and squinted down the fairway. Then he turned to his brother-in-law and asked, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" said the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asked Arthur.
"Can't remember."

Question for Bob

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

Cold Weather is Coming

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in northern Michigan. He said that the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is at fifteen degrees and still dropping... and the wind is increasing to near gale force.
Even the plows are having a hard time getting around.
The schools are closed, and alerts are on all the TV and radio stations urging people to stay off the streets.
He said his wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window for hours on end, just staring. He says he's concerned that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Killing Flies

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell the sex of a fly?"
He responded, "Well, three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

Doctor's Orders

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

The wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that "help" guys get an erection. I called my wife after my doctors visit and told her that he gave me something. You should have seen her face though when I got home and tossed her what the doctor had given me. A case of diet pills! I am still looking for a new place to live.

Escaping the Bull

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, partner."
"Oh yeah, what happened?"
"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!"
"So, how'd you get away?"
"The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."
"Man, that's scary. If it'd been me, I woulda probably crapped all over the place."
"I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?"

Six Double Vodkas

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

From Wisconsin

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

An elderly couple were driving cross country when they got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer says, "Sir did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, who is hard of hearing, asks her husband , "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says I was speeding!"
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman asks her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see my license!"
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Wisconsin. I had a girlfriend there once, worse piece of ass I ever had."
The woman asks her husband, "What did he say?"
And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

A Mother's Daughters

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.
The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffee-house". The mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said "Satisfaction to the last drop," so Mother was happy.
The second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; "Four Square Cigarettes". So the mother looks for the ad, and it says; "LIVE LIFE KING SIZE," so the Mother was happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS."
Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted.
The ad read, "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS!"

The Medical Condition

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it ?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."

What do you like most?

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me? Is it my beautiful face? Or is it maybe my sexy body?"
The husband carefully studied his wife from head to toe, taking it all in. Finally, he replied dryly, "I like your sense of humor."

Blondes having coffee

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced the first blonde.
"Do what?" asked the other blonde. "Drive a truck?"
"No," said blonde one. "I'm going to send my lawn out to be mowed."

The Drunk in Church

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0800

A drunk was staggering down the street and stopped in front of a catholic church. He goes inside and wanders around until he finds the confessional and goes in and sits down. The priest is sitting on the other side waiting for the drunk to start his confession but the drunk says nothing so the priest clears his throat. Still the drunk remains silent so the priest knocks on the wall.
The drunk replies"Don't bother, there's no toilet paper over here either."

Christmas Bus

Wed, 21 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I've never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

Interviewing a Cowboy

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

A reporter was out on a ranch and decided she wanted to interview the cowboy she saw across the way.
"I would like to asked you about your clothing. Why the big hat?"
"Well," said the cowboy, "it keeps the sun and rain out out of my face."
"What about the snapped up shirt?" asked the reporter.
"Well," said the cowboy, "My fingers are sore from holding the rains to my horse, and these snap buttons are easier to do up."
"How about heavy denim pants?"
"Well," said the cowboy, "they hold up better in the brush and dirt."
"And leather chaps?"
"Well, they keep the heavy brush, thorns from my legs."
"This is fantastic. I just have one more question, why are you wearing tennis shoes?"
"Well," said the cowboy, "I don't want people think I was a truck driver."

The Secretary

Fri, 16 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from college and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
She thought about it for a minute then replied "Everything but my ear rings!"

Out Shopping

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon when, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded, "Where the hell are you?"
He replied, "Darling you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money at the time and said 'Baby, it'll be yours one day.'?"
Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yes, I remember that my Love."
"Well," said the Husband, "I'm in the Pub next to that shop."

Finding Jesus

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

A man is stumbling totally drunk through the woods when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher is almost overcome by the smell of booze, so he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river.
He pulls him up and asks him, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't."
The preacher dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
At this point the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk again, but holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in???!!!"

That's Nuts

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

A man sits down at a bar and orders a drink. After a while he hears a female voice say, “You’re very handsome.”
Looking around and not seeing anyone nearby, he decides he was hearing things. Again the voice says, “I really like that jacket you’re wearing” and, again, he can’t find the person talking.
After he hears, “Your hair style looks nice on you,” he motions to the bartender.
“I keep hearing a voice saying nice things about me,” the man says.
The bartender replies, “Oh, those are the peanuts … they’re complimentary.”

The Most Wanted Man

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.
One little boy looks at the sign and asks "That guy is the MOST WANTED in the whole USA?"
The Officer smiles and says, "Yes, we're still looking for him, but one of these days we'll catch him."
The Little Boy stops to think about this for a second and then asks, "Well, why didn't you just keep him when you took his picture?"

Baby Names

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

Mary was pregnant when she was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, “You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them.”
The woman thought to herself, "Oh no! Not my brother. He's a clueless idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, “Well, what's my daughter's name?”
“Denise.” said the doctor.
The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, "Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like Denise."
Then she asked, “What's the boy's name?”
The doctor replied “Denephew.”

The Old Man's Birthday

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

An old fella was celebrating 72 years on this earth.
He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know, you are 72 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"
"Hello, knees.", he continued. "How are you? You know you're 72 today.. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy birthday, knees."
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 72 too.

Blonde on a plane

Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

This is the story of a blonde who was flying in a two-seater airplane. Suddenly, the pilot had a heart attack and died.
She frantically called: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
The blonde then heard a voice over the radio saying: "This is the tower. I have received your message and I'll talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Please give me your height and position."
"I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"Okay" said the voice from the tower, "Repeat after me: Our Father who art in Heaven . . ."

Headache Cure

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:00:00 -0800

The two housewives were drinking coffee together. "On my way over here," said Louise, "I developed an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?"
Her friend Martha responded, "When I get a headache, my husband is the best remedy. He rubs my shoulders, then the back of my neck, caresses my breasts while kissing my tummy, and... Well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all he's soothed the pain away. You should try it!"
"I'd love to," her friend replied. "What time does your husband get home?"

Family Beach Vacation

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:00:00 -0800

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
The mother told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.” Satisfied with the answer, the boy left to play in the ocean, but returned to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “pee-pees” than his dad.
His mother explained, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.” Again, satisfied with the answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again, promptly informing his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!”

Photo of a wife

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 00:00:00 -0800

The old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening only to find two sherrif deputy's standing there.
"Sir, are you married?" One deputy asked.
"Why yes," the old man replied "for 48 years."
"Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?" the second deputy questioned.
The old man pulled a picture out his wallet and handed to the officers. They looked it over and handed it back to him.
"Sir, I'm sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."
The old man says, "I know son, but she's got a wonderful personality and she's a great cook."

Going to the Doctor

Sun, 27 Nov 2011 00:00:00 -0800

This woman wasn't feeling well, so she went to see the family doctor. After hearing her symptoms the doctor scheduled her for a complete physical. Days
later she returned to get the results. The doctor tells her that everything came back normal.
He asks, "How's your appetite?"
She replied, "Great! I eat like a horse."
He then asks, "Do you sleep well?"
"About 8 hours a night," she said.
"How about your elimination?" he asks.
"Every morning about 7:20 AM" she replied.
The doctor thinks a minute then says, "There's something going on that I can't put my finger on. I'm going to give you an antibiotic and see if that will
cure the problem."
These 3 germs inside are listening to all of this and one of them says, "What are we going to do?"
One says, "I think I'll hide in the liver."
A second one says, "I think I'll hide in a kidney."
The last one says, "You guys can stick around if you want to, but I'm taking the 7:20 out of here."