Bob & Tom - Jokes

The Baby Skunk

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.’
'But what about the smell?'
'Just hold its little nose.'
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Man, Sheep and Sheep Dog

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" agian. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex in months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, "Take the dog for a walk."

The Office Genie

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

The Dream Auction

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10."
"What about one my size?" the husband asked.
"Didn't get a bid!" she replied.
Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream too, "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10."
"What about ones like mine?" she asked.
To which he replied "That's where they held the auction."

How to Play Poker

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Kim wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.' After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Kim told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Kim the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Kim answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'
Kim, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

The Gyno Mechanic

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said,
"During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire life".

The Five Catholics

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Bowl of Peanuts

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A young lady, wanting to introduce her new boyfriend to her grandma, stopped by her house on the way to a dance. As they were chatting, her boyfriend spied some peanuts on the coffee table and began munching on them as they conversed. After about an hour, the young couple was getting ready to leave, and he thanked the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.
"Oh, you're welcome, young man," she said. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

Forgetful Couple

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A married couple of twenty five years noticed that both of them have trouble remembering things. They decide to attend a memory workshop to help improve their short term memory.
One evening, they are watching TV and the husband says he is going to the kitchen to get some ice cream. He asked if he could get something for his wife. She replys, "If you are going to get me some ice cream, I would also like whipped cream on it. And if you can remember that, I would also like some chocolate sauce with cracked nuts. Can you remember all of that?" The husband affirms that it would not be any problem.
The husband is in the kitchen for about twenty minutes and returns with a plate of eggs and bacon for his wife. She looks at him and says, "I knew you would not remember it right. You forgot my toast!"

Two Muffins

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One looks over at the other and states “Man is it hot in here!”
The 2nd muffin turns to the first muffin and exclaims “ Oh my god, A TALKING MUFFIN!”

Buy the Woman a Drink

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

An old man with bad vision sat at the end of a dimly lit bar when a hefty woman with hairy armpits and a tank top on came in and sat at the opposite end of the bar. She held her arm up high and asked, " who will buy this lady a drink?" The old man squinted with amazement and said bartender, give that ballerina a beer on me. The bar keep was a bit perplexed but gave the lady a beer. Upon finishing the suds, she again lifts her arm up high and asks , "who will buy this lady a drink?". As before the old man squinted in the dark bar and told the bartender to give that ballerina a beer on me. After doing so, the bartender asked the old man what made him think that lady was a ballerina? The fellow replied, " anyone can kick their leg up that high has to be a ballerina!!"

The Farmer & the Duck Hunter

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A man, who loves duck hunting, but has yet to actually shoot a duck, vows to himself that if he doesn’t get a duck this duck-hunting season, he will quit duck-hunting forever, even though he loves it.
Well, it’s the last day of duck-hunting season, and after numerous attempts, he still hasn’t gotten a duck and it’s getting late in the day. Suddenly, a large group of ducks flies overhead. He aims; he fires, and down comes a duck. He is overjoyed! Finally got one!
He runs to retrieve the duck, only to find that it landed in a farmer’s fenced-in backyard. He looks around and says ‘”The Hell with it” and jumps the fence and runs after his duck.
Like a bolt of lightning, an old farmer runs out his back door and snatches the duck a second before the hunter.
“Hey, that’s my duck”, says the hunter.
“My yard, my duck”, replies the farmer.
“You don’t understand”, says the hunter and begins to tell the farmer his whole sad duck-hunting story.
“My yard, my duck”, replies the farmer.
“Please, could you just let me have this one duck? I’ll do anything!” says the hunter.
“OK, we’ll settle this Kentucky Style”, says the farmer.
“What’s that?” the hunter asks.
“We take turns kicking each other in the balls – whoever quits first, loses.” explains the old farmer.
The hunter reluctantly agrees and says, “OK, I’ll go first”.
“My yard, I go first”, replies the farmer.
The hunter groans, and braces himself for the onslaught. The old farmer gets a running start and “BOOM!” lands his foot right in the hunter’s crotch so hard that it actually lifts him off the ground. The hunter screams, and falls to the ground. The hunter rolls on the ground, holding his crotch, screaming, vomiting, with blood coming out of his nose and mouth and tears streaming down his face. After ten minutes of extraordinary pain, he finally manages to get to his feet, looks at the old farmer, and says, “OK, now it’s my turn!”
The old farmer says, “Naw, I quit. You can keep the duck”.

The Missunderstanding

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A man was asked by his lesbian neighbors what he wanted for Christmas this year.
He replied, “I wanna watch!”
So they gave him a Rolex.

Cow Bells

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don't work!

An Old Folks Halloween

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, “You can't go out like that!"
She said, "I can go anyway I want to!"
Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.
The old woman says, "You're going out like that?"
He replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator"

Picking a Jury

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued,"who' s not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jed mount his sheep from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the sheep turn around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal, when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good sheep will do that

The Physical Exam

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Nursing Home Flasher

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

In a nursing home, there is this old woman named Gladys who likes to walk around and flash people. She walks up to a nun, opens her robe and yells "Super Sex!" The nun says, "Gladys, you know you're not supposed to do that. Now go back to your room. Gladys starts walking back and sees the minister. She walks up to him, opens her robe and yells "Super Sex!" The minister is shocked and tells her to go back to her room. As she continues, she sees an old man lying on the bed. She walks in, flashes him, and yells "Super Sex!" The man slowly turns his head and says, "Thanks, I think I'll have the soup."

Blind Cowboy

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat, the bouncer is a blonde girl, I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter, and the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

The Penguin's Car

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A penguin is driving through a small desert town when his car suddenly experiences some problems. He limps the car to the town's mechanic and explains the problem to him before heading to the shop's waiting area. The mechanic tells him it may be awhile so he may want to take a walk and explore the area. After a little time hitting the sidewalk, the penguin notices an ice cream parlor in the town's square and decides that, being a penguin in the desert, he's hot and could use something cool. So he heads into the parlor and orders a big bowl of vanilla ice cream to enjoy, which he does to the point of making a huge mess all over his face. Upon finishing the treat, he decides it's time to head back toward the shop to see if his car is fixed and ready to go. As he approaches the shop, the mechanic comes walking out to meet him and says 'it looks like you blew a seal'.
The penguin quickly cleans off his face and replies 'no no I just had ice cream!'.

Catholic Kids

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Head For a Son

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink! Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooosh! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender still ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooosh! Two legs pop out.The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

The Chicken Surprise

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I brought you Peeking Duck'.

The Banana Split

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis..."

The New Procedure

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

The Teacher's Question

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "'Anybody?'
"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy.' Then she turned to Mary and continued. "And as for you, young lady, I have three things to say: one, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

The Blondes Car

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it?"

The Talking Clock

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends very late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. 'What's with the big brass gong?' one of the friends asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk slurred in response.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 'How's it work?'
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He stumbled across the room, picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood in silence, looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You idiot..it's three-fifteen in the morning!!'

The Teacher's New Name

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A young newlywed elementary school teacher was trying to get her class to remember her new, married name, as they were constantly calling her by her maiden name. She drew a picture of a cat on the blackboard and addressed the class by saying, "Class, I've got an easy way to remember my new name . It sounds like pussy cat, but the second letter is an "R", so you say it Prussy. It's very simple."
The next day she asked her students if they remembered her new name. They all looked confused as they tried to think of how she told them to remember, until little Charlie's face brightened up and his hand shot into the air.Relieved, she called, "Yes, Charlie?"
Smiling smugly at his classmates' failure, and his own genius, he proudly pronounced her name as,"Mrs. Crunt!"

Dog on the Golf Course

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.The man's friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the first golfer.
"Somersaults!" says the friend. "That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."