Bob & Tom - Jokes

The Movie Prediction

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Two guys go to the theater to watch a Western movie. During the movie one of the guys says, "I'll bet you 10 bucks I can guess what's gonna happen in the next scene."
The second guy says, "Okay, you're on. What do you think is going to happen?"
The first guy says, "The good guys are gonna chase the bad guy around a bend in the road, the bad guy gets clotheslined on a tree branch, he falls off his horse, then the good guys hang him."
As they watch the next scene, it unfolds exactly as the first guy predicted. The second guy pulls out a $10 bill and says, "Well, you were right, here's your ten dollars."
The first guy hands back the $10 and says, "You keep it. I've gotta confess, I watched the movie last week. I already knew what was gonna happen."
The second guy hands back the $10 and says, "No, you keep it. I saw the movie yesterday. I just can't believe the guy would do the same thing two days in a row."

A Last Request

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

An old geezer is lying in a bed at a hospital coronary care unit. The nurses can tell from the rate and shape of the QRS complexes that the patient doesn't have much time left on this earth. In addition to that, he's a no code. One of the nurses goes into his room and asks the patient if he has any last requests. The old man says that he'd like to have sex one last time. The nurse says that's kind of an unusual request, and might be difficult to fulfill. The old man says he's willing to pay $500. After asking around, they find a candidate. The enterprising nurse goes into the old man's room, closes the door and completes the transaction. When they're done, the old man says, "That was really nice.... a good way for me to go out. But if I'd known you were a virgin I'd have been willing to pay $1000." The nurse says, "If I'd known you could get it up I would've taken off my pantyhose."

The Hard Puzzle

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the Kellogs box."

Bar Topics

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A drunk goes into a bar sits down and says “Hey bartender can we talk about politics in the bar?”
The bartender yells “IF THERE IS ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S POLITICS!”
A little while later the drunk asks “Hey bartender can we talk about religion?”
Again the bartender angrily yells "IF THERE'S ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S RELIGION!"
Finally, the drunk asks “Hey bartender can we talk about sex?” The bartender nods his head and says
“Sure, we can talk about sex.”
“Good,” the drunk says. “Screw you!”

Raisin Bread

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin."

The Street Name

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

One day a man was walking down the street and came across another man lying in the road unconscious. Trying to revive him and save his life, he calls 9-1-1. "Please send an ambulance, this guy's dying." the man screams.
"Okay, Okay..... Just stay calm" the dispatcher says.
"Where are you"?
"We're on Sycamore Street" The man stutters while trying to start CPR.
"Sir, can you spell that", the dispatcher asks.
Let's see, the man thinks.... "Sick....no,no....Sykka....no, that's not right either....." The man yells into the phone.
"Slow down and try again, " the dispatcher urges the caller "We need to know how to find you."
Taking a deep breath, the man tries again, "Syicc.......DAMMIT", The man screams....
Tell you what, I'll just drag his ass over to Elm street, you can come get him there".

Change the Oil

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain’t got done yet!'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, it's a bloody good thing we didn't use WD-40.

The Old Fence

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

The local Sheriff walks into the restaurant and sits down in the booth next to an old couple celebrating their 50 year anniversary. The sheriff over hears the couple talking about all the good years they've had and how all the children have grown up. That’s when the old man starts to talk about their honeymoon in which they spent the night in old man Picher’s field making love up against the fence all night long. The couple feeling kind of frisky, decided to go back Picher’s field and celebrate there anniversary the same way. The sheriff, being kind of curious, decides to follow them into the field. Once there, the old couple took off all of their clothes and started making love up against the fence. The old couple made love for almost an hour when they finally fell to the ground out of breath and totally exhausted. Amazed that a couple of their age could make love for so long the sheriff wanted to know there secret. So he went up to the old man and asked "Sir I have been over there watching and I need to know how you keep your love life so active."
After catching his breathe the old man replies "Well, that fence wasn’t electric 50 years ago"

The Supportive Wife

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."

The Changing Picture

Thu, 04 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

After living in the remote wilderness all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumes, "So that's the ugle bitch he's runnin' around with."

Hotel Undertaker

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "But how did you get the black eye?"
Roy replied, "Wrong room."

Aging Buddies

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A group of 40 year old buddies discussed where they should meet for dinner.
Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were very young and very hot.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was excellent.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because th e restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Sitting in the Pew

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

One Sunday an elderly couple sat in church listening to their preacher’s sermon. After several minutes, the man leaned over to his wife and whispered,” On our way home we need to stop past the drug store and get me some Beano. I have had gas all morning and luckily, they have been silent.”
She leaned and whispered back,” We need to get you new hearing aid batteries too.”

The Honest Priest

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?"
Of course child," he said: "What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it," she explained. "Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear," he replied, "but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," he replied truthfully.
The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next

Cuckoo Clock

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

The other night I was invited to a night out with the "girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed home. Just as I got to the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos=MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him midnight.
He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh crapThe C", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table & farted."

The Stolen Hat

Wed, 24 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”   
Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”   
The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?” 
 Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.” 
 With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?” 
 Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”.

The Blonde on the Horse

Tue, 23 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down. She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.

The Old Couple

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

An elderly couple were enjoying the evening by swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset. After a few minutes the ol'lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.
A few more minutes go by and the ol' man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa. She sits here a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Pa?" He replies: "That's for knowing there was more than one size."

Looking For Crisco

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals, "Crisco, Cris--co!"
Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five."
"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."
"Your wife is named 'Crisco?'"
"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket."
"Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?"
"Lard ass."

Driving in Heaven

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a skateboard."

The Pricey Rug

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

What'd Ya Say?

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

An elderly couple on vacation are driving across country. After a while they have to stop for gas somewhere in Illinois they pull into a station and the man gets out to pump the gas. As he’s standing there, the guy next to him notices his license plate and strikes up a conversation.
“So where ya headed?” asks the guy.
“Oh, just travelin’ ‘cross country with the wife.” Replies the old man.
Since the windows were down, the elderly woman, hard of hearing, stuck her head out the car window and yelled, “What’d ya say?!?”
The old man sighs and yells back, “This young man here asked us where we were headed and I told him we were goin’ ‘cross country!!”
The old lady accepts this and her head slips back through the window. After the pause the guy says, “I see you’re from Indianapolis. Nice city… I used to live around there.”
Before the old man can answer, his wife’s head sticks out the window again and she bellows, “What’d ya say!?!?!”
Another, heavier sigh and the old man replies, aggravated, “He asked if we were from Indianapolis and I told him yeah!”
The wife’s head slides back through the window once more, satisfied and the old man turns back to finish up with the fueling.
The young man, wanting to ease the older gentleman’s tension, jokingly says, “Yeah… worst lay I ever had was in Indianapolis…”
The guy no sooner gets the words out and here comes the wife’s voice again, quite loudly, “WHAT’D HE SAY?!?!?!”
Red-faced, the old man turns to look at his wife’s head sticking out the window and shouts, “JESUS CHRIST, WOMAN, HE THINKS HE KNOWS YA!!”

The Chief Reads the Weather

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

It is late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like...
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

Two Buzzards

Thu, 11 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Two buzzards were eating a clown.
All was going fine until one buzzard looks at the other buzzard and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

Heading to the Restroom Drunk

Wed, 10 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A Guy is in a bar and is getting drunk. After a few drinks, the man slurs "Where's the bathroom?"
Without looking up the bar maid pointed over toward the mens room. After a few minutes of silence the man starts yelling for help. Wondering what was wrong, the bar maid ran over to see if the man was okay. "What's wrong with your toilet?" the man, obviously in pain. "Every time I flush, my balls get squeezed!"
Laughing and shaking her head, the bar maid replied, "You dumbass, your on the mop bucket."

The Waiter and the Spoon

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?''
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

The Ostrich

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

The Medical Checkup

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.
The doctor speaks to the man’s wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he’ll probably live another 20 years."
She returns to her husband’s side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."

The Friendly Doctor

Thu, 04 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."
Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.
"No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"

The Wife's Funeral

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"