Bob & Tom - Colorful Quotes

Dom Irrera on Gambling

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

I'm not a gambler, I only bet on sports.

Chick McGee on Tom's Sex Life

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Having sex with you is probably like cracking a safe. The lights have to be perfect, all the conditions need to be right. You've have to have sex at least five times because of those kids you have running around.

Jimmy Pardo on His Dad's Love Life

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

I won't tell you how many times my dad has been married, but if they were sandwiches, his next one would be free.

Tom Griswold on The Godfather series of films

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Godfather III is the Curly Joe of that film series.

Harland Williams to Bob Kevoian

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

I'm feeling like I need to come over and throw cauliflower at your house? Would that be okay? I'm thinking around sunset.

Brad Upton on his Wife

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

I'm a widower... if everything had gone according to plan.

Bob Kevoian on Feminine Hygiene

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Those new sports tampons might be better suited for sports that use periods instead of quarters.

Emo Philips on T-Shirts

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

T-shirts that get you out of jury duty will not get you through air port security.

Tim Wilson on Women

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

I'll tell you one thing about women, they don't give a damn about things on the side of the road.

Tom Griswold on Women and Happiness

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Maybe joy is a guy thing.

Caroline Rhea on Being Pregnant

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Nicole Kidman at 9-months pregnant is my goal weight two years from now.

Java on the smell of the Mummies

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Thousands of years of funk smells nasty. It kinda smells like an old bucket of chicken and Lance Armstrong's bike seat after the Tour de France.

Spanky Brown on his Ex-Wife

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

My ex-wife is going to hell on a scholarship.

Larry Reeb on Halloween

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

I registered as a sex offender the other day so that I won't have to pass out candy on Halloween.

Drew Hastings on Pets

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Deep down all pets want to be homeless. That's why you have to keep an eight foot leash and a fenced in yard.

Bill Scheft on Washington Redskins Management

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Redskin's owner Dan Snider is now laying out Coach Jim Zorn's clothes for him every morning.

Louis C.K. on doing a nude scene

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

My body has no sexual meaning anymore, so if I can make people laugh with it, at least it's being used.

Tim Cavanagh on Johnny Carson

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

It's amazing that Johnny Carson becomes even more beloved with each new episode of The Tonight Show that airs.

"Larry King" on Jim Nantz's Divorce

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

CBS sportscaster Jim Nantz is in the middle if a nasty divorce. Now the term 'Final Four' refers to the money left in his bank account.

Geechy Guy on his new album title

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

My new album's title is "Forgotten But Not Gone."

Scott Dunn on Retirement

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

After what happened to my 401k, my new retirement plan is the Rapture.

Nathan Trenholm on Enlargement E-Mails

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

I'm not going to get an operation on my johnson just because some e-mail keeps suggesting it. But my wife just keeps sending it

Chick McGee on Maria Shriver

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

When is that skinny awful woman going to turn into a pile of dust.

Jim Gaffigan on the Green Lifestyle

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

My wife bought me a natural deodorant. It said right there on the packaging, "Does Not Work."

Daniel Tosh on Young Women

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Jim Jefferies on Women

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

I like women with nice skin. Australian women look like wallets to me.

Tom Griswold on Himself

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

(Interrupting Kristi) Am I the Kanye West of this show?

Bob Zany on the President

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

The last time anyone accepted one of Barack Obama's proposals was when he asked Michelle to marry him.

Bob Zany on Stage Names

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

I often get asked if my real name is Bob Zany. I tell them no, my real name is Big Dick McGee.

Dave Dugan on Living with His Parents

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Everyday was like waking up at the Cracker Barrel.