Bob & Tom - Colorful Quotes

Shane Mauss on the ballet

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

I had a hard time hearing the show over the voice in my head booing.

Tom Griswold on Kristi having never used a plunger

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Kristi Lee is so delicate she's never clogged a toilet.

Chick McGee on Health Concerns

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Riddled with Polyps, now that's a good name for a band.

Saleem Muhammad owning wicker furniture

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Wicker is a fat man's Kryptonite

Brendon Walsh on Women

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

It's okay because ugly girls don't have feelings.

Bob Kevoian on Adult Circumcision

Thu, 04 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Of course it's dangerous, it's your wiener.

Kristi Lee to Tom Griswold

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

You're the bull-terrier of comedy, you never let anything go.

Mike Birbiglia on Sex Tapes

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 00:00:00 -0800

I don't know why people video tape sex because after I have sex, the only thing I can think of is that I'm glad nobody saw that.

Chick McGee to Mark Sweeney on his looks

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

You're too big to be a troll. You're an ogre.

Tom Griswold on Relationships

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Very rarely do you get that kind of opportunity to ruin someone's life

Tom Griswold on Dating Sites

Wed, 24 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Some of these dating sites sound like a good way to lose your soul.

Pat Dixon on Tiger Woods' Exploits

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

If you change the world, you get extra pudding crevasse

Tom Griswold on everything

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

I'm biased because I'm me.

Maria Bamford on Voice Over Work

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

I can do comedic voices. Sincerity seems to be my problem.

E-mail regarding penis tricks

Thu, 11 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

What's the big deal about the guy who could pull a truck with his penis? When I was sixteen, I could have pushed it.

Donnie Baker on Island living

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Islands are like the nipples of the sea.

Tammy Pescatelli on In-Laws

Thu, 04 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

My mother-in-law is so difficult, the Pope would stab her with his hat.

Jim Gaffigan on Fashion

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 00:00:00 -0800

The robe is a lazy man's tuxedo.

Scott Dunn on Other People's Dogs

Fri, 29 Jan 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Dogs are like penises. I enjoy my own, but I don't want to be touched by anyone else's.

Randy Ericksen on the new iPad

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Does the new iPad run Windows every 28 days?

Kristi Lee on Nudity

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 00:00:00 -0800

I would rather be bottomless than topless any day.

Nick Griffin on his Mental State

Thu, 21 Jan 2010 00:00:00 -0800

There's more to me than depression... there's shame.

Chris Hardwick on Vegas Conventions

Tue, 19 Jan 2010 00:00:00 -0800

The Porn Rodeo in Vegas smells like poop and sadness.

On Kristi's Lost Chinchilla

Tue, 19 Jan 2010 00:00:00 -0800

That chinchilla is as good as dead.

A Toast from an Anonymous E-Mail

Mon, 18 Jan 2010 00:00:00 -0800

"Here's to the hole that never heals."

Greg Fitzsimmons on Taking a Punch

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 00:00:00 -0800

If you can smell the other guy's fist, you're going to lose the fight.

Bob Kevoian on Sexual Healing

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 00:00:00 -0800

It's not good until it scabs over.

Chick McGee to Tom Griswold

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 00:00:00 -0800

If you were any more uptight you'd be spitting out diamonds every morning.

Kristi Lee on Marriage

Tue, 12 Jan 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Wedding vows sound like talking to a lawyer because they're warming you up for later.

John Garrett on the McRib

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 00:00:00 -0800

The McRib is the deadbeat dad of the fast food restaurant. It comes around every 6 months and you're supposed to be excited about it