An excerpt from Dave Dyer’s forthcoming fictional autobiography called “A Life I Could’ve Had.”
Maybe if my Dad had starred on “Hotel” back in the ‘80s, things would’ve been different. Maybe if MY mother-in-law had played Central Park to 135,000, my career would’ve gone down a different road. And maybe, just maybe, if I’d been nicer to Diane Lane in my early days, she would’ve been my wife for a blip and I wouldn’t have had to bring my sister-in-law to so many awards ceremonies.
But that’s not what happened and I only have my self to blame for not getting the part of Thanos. Of course, it didn’t help that his publicist undermined me by releasing a slanderous statement saying I’d given Emma Stone a case of the crabs. I didn’t… I’ve only met Emma once, it was in public, and the crabs issue had been extinguished two weeks before that.
Or perhaps, my reputation was dented when I ran into him at the Westwood Buffalo Wild Wings location and he put me in a headlock and gave me a Melvin that ripped the waistband of my Fruit of the Looms right in front of my Aunt Norma and Uncle Bill. But nope….it’s my own fault. I didn’t make a lasting impression on the casting director. Of course, maybe the reason I didn’t make an impression was because my articulation was a little stoic due to the fact that I was wearing a neck brace after he had pinned me down, sat on my chest and farted in my face at John Favreau’s annual Jart Tournament the day before. No way, Jose…that can’t be the explanation.
It just wasn’t my role to have. The part of Thanos required a bully and I’m not a bully. I don’t dookie on other people’s front porches. I don’t ask people to grab me a drink at an event and then try and birddog their date while they’re grabbing the drink I asked for. I also don’t make sick jokes about trysts with other peoples’ mothers and then describe the features of their mother’s skin with incredibly accurate detail. No… that’s not me. But I can tell you this… they sure as Hell got the right guy.